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I'm a first time poster here on the forum, but used to post and comment in the subreddit often.
I learned about FDS somewhere around late 2020 to early 2021, but by then I was already in a committed relationship and wasn't actively dating.
Recently I moved to a country in north America and finding myself single again, I wanted to explore the dating world and apply all the FDS knowledge.
As a newcomer here, I had to go on online dating to find eligible people to go on dates. One of these people was a guy from Asia with whom I had a nice chat. He's very well educated, is finishing his PhD and spent his whole academic life ever since college in the West. First in Europe and then North America.
He took me to brunch, paid for everything, was very chivalrous and gentlemanly, flirted lightly and tastefully, nothing too over the top or creepy. Even gave some green flag answers about his stances on marriage and children (ie, he also dates for marriage, and thinks women should decide about pregnancy and having kids). Also said he had LTR with both women from his culture and outsiders, and that all of them were well received and approved by his parents.
Anyways, things seemed to be going well after our date, he was very sweet, texting regularly but not bombarding me with messages, making some comments here and there about how much he enjoyed talking to me, complimenting me on more than my looks. It didn't feel like he was lovebombing, and there was no future faking either, he only planned our next date. We didn't kiss or anything when we met, only hello and goodbye hugs.
So one night after our date, we were texting casually and he said he'd like to cuddle or something, and said something that sounded like he was inviting me over to his place. I said I'd like to see his apartment, but maybe in the future and that we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves.
That's when I said I'd like to take things slowly and make sure we're compatible before being intimate. He said he respects and understands me, but that he has a different perspective on it, and that taking things slowly kills the spark and the chemistry.
We talked a little about it, and I said that it's better if we stay as friends, if he can't deal with this boundary of mine. He reiterated that he respects my wishes and my point of view, thanked me for my time and for going out with him, that our date was really perfect and he couldn't ask for more.
And that was it. So now I'm thinking... Did I ruin things or dodged a bullet? I made it clear that taking things slowly doesn't mean being boring, frigid or anything like that.
Would this be a case where we just weren't compatible? He really didn't seem or act like a fuck boy, but I guess if he's all put off when a woman tells him to go slow, he was probably just desperate for quick pussy.
Either way, good riddance, he wasn't for me and that's fine, it was just a first date, he probably had way more shit to unpack and I'm glad he didn't even get to kiss me.
I'm thinking of the rest of the roster I'm building now. Should I have the talk of "let's take things slowly" as a way to filter out men, or should I just not mention it and kind of go with the flow? Ngl, I don't like to waste time and I like to see the masks drop, so I'm more inclined on going with the first and having that talk before ever meeting in person.
Curious to hear what you queens have to say and your own stories, success or fail.
TL;DR guy showed several green flags but bounced when I said I wanted to take things slowly. Is this a good vetting strategy, or is it better to not mentioned that?
I am wary of telling men that we should “take it slow” as there are narcs out there willing to play the long game when they hear that. I don’t like revealing my hand to men. It is up to them to prove to me who they are, not the other way round. I am the prize, he does the courting. In relation to your situation, this guy straight up told on himself that he is looking for an easy hookup. Great! No stringing you along, and you got a fun date out of it! Time for you to move on and live your best life 💅
I parked it at this paragraph of your post:
That's when I said I'd like to take things slowly and make sure we're compatible before being intimate. He said he respects and understands me, but that he has a different perspective on it, and that taking things slowly kills the spark and the chemistry.
that right there is manipulative. He is playing nice guy and giving you an ultimatum to see if he can push your boundaries. If taking things faster is his idea of how to keep the chemistry up, and you can keep your chemistry up without doing that, then you're already on uneven ground if you continue. He will have the power from now on if you give in to that. So your only other choice is to not continue wasting your time!
You didn't do anything wrong in my view. I see this as you wanting a real relationship. and him just wanting to play.
If you even have to enquire with internet strangers about a dating experience you had, it's an automatic no.
You can't by definition "ruin things" with a man because it's his whole and entire responsibility to prove himself to you that he's compatible with your every single requirement, and should ideally be competing with other prospective partners. The moment he's not ok with any single one of your boundaries or requirements, he "ruined it" for himself.
Relatedly, "green flags" do not exist. The one green flag might be a man who's gone to his grave having made his female partner's life objectively materially and spiritually better the whole time. Otherwise only red flags exist, and him being pushy about your intimacy boundary is a red flag that no amount of good answers to questions or other things may ever balance out.
You dodged a bullet and frankly, I advise against telling a guy what you want or what your strategy is, because that allows him to tell you what you want to hear while he worms his way into your heart, life, and eventually your bed. Silently show him with your actions what kind of relationship you expect and let him either conform to it and respect your boundaries, or act like the manipulative scrote he is. Being passive in dating gives us a chance to watch men carefully to see what kind of people they really are. LVMs always tell on themselves, as this one did when he tried to insinuate that taking things slowly "kills the spark" (lmao okay scrote, that flies in the face of just about every romantic experience everyone else on Earth has ever had).
You set a boundary; he tried to talk you out of it. NEXT! Ghost, block, delete.
Dodged the bullet!
Good question, though.
Saying outright you want to take things slow can expose the players, but it can also make them double down on their nice-guy acts so they can "win."
I think in general it's best not to say it outright...but that feels somehow disingenuous.
I dunno!
he was a player, and you're no longer wasting your time with him.
Taking it slow does the opposite of killing the spark. Manipulative. Possibly porn addicted.
A proper HVM will respect your boundary to take it slow, understand it, and not low key insinuate that he will lose interest in you as a result (“kills the spark” my puckered asshole). You dodged a bullet that plays honest-onions enough to get into your panties. You lost nothing.
You did the right thing. My opinion is probably unpopular but I move slowly in relationships and I have no problem in showing it and saying it. In my experience, men who are not ok with my pace reveal themselves sooner than later. I've dated narcissists and in retrospect, although they pretended to be ok with things in order to bag me, they would occasionally slip and show their impatience and complain like the whiny little bitches they are. I believe most men will tell on themselves, we are just trained to not believe what we hear.
Next, tbh
If he really wanted you and was of value, he would‘ve respected your wishes and do what it takes to earn his place in your life.
dodged a bullet. i was in a similar situation with a guy who behaved as he should but when i asked the hard questions, he flipped and flopped. claimed he wanted to meet as many people as possible yet he also "stuck to one woman if he's seeing her". this was on top of his excessive drinking as well as workaholic tendencies.
i have since blocked and deleted him.
He asked for something you weren't comfortable with. You essentially told him you weren't comfortable with it. He disagreed but didn't try to force you to see things his way. Instead of pretending to agree with you or manipulate you into seeing things his way, he didn't procede in trying to date you . All in all, this is ideally how an interaction with someone not right for you should go. He could have easily pretended to be cool with your timeline all just to bed you or he could have easily tried to keep the conversation going to see if he could push your boundaries. Instead, he simply stated upfront that he wanted physical intimacy sooner than later and explained why and then went along his merry way. He didn't lie. You didn't lie. Just a situation that was not going to work.
I think what you said was fine. He asked for cuddling/ coming over and you told him you don't like to have that kind of intimacy without first building something. I wouldn't randomly offer that information upfront, but I think it's fine to specify in response to a request.
Thank you, next. He told on himself the moment "spark," came out of his mouth.
"He said he respects and understands me, but that he has a different perspective on it, and that taking things slowly kills the spark and the chemistry." - BS. He was either looking for sex or to lock you down asap. Many men say that kind of stuff then later on say you were "easy to get" or worse. Also sweets, never tell a man precisely what you're looking for or you risk them just telling you what you want to hear.
I think what you did was fine. be tough part is just to recognize that this is things working. Think of it this way, if you didn’t do that you would’ve gone on more dates. Maybe he wouldve made a move. Maybe you’d get attached. Maybe he would get attached and try his best until he found himself committed and trying to escape. The thing is this guy talking about “exciting” means infatuation, which has a short shelf life. If he was REALLY dating to find a wife he’d be thinking way ahead the beginning and more focused on character. He was lying. Marriage is not his priority. I think when men say that they mean they wouldn’t date a girl they didn’t find extremely hot and classy. They don’t actually mean they won’t dump her when that sparks inevitably wears off. you should repeat this until there’s a guy who’s serious about getting to know you.