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I have been in a long term relationship with its ups and downs and am in a good place with my partner. I still have jealousy issues even though he has made many changes and is nowhere near the guy he used to be when I met him.
We've gone from him not understanding why I wouldn't want him to look at a topless woman on the beach to him understanding that checking out a woman's cool sweater is ok, him checking out a woman's bikini top is not, even if it's just to think she needs more sunscreen (his words, not mine. The point is I think he understands I don't want him looking at scantily clad women for any reason)
I am happy with this progress but now struggle on how to have a normal interaction when we see attractive women. I certainly don't want him to sexualize them or even really focus on them but I want to have an open and comfortable relationship where I don't feel threatened by a woman with a nice body. I feel like if I notice them, he is certainly going to notice them. If I catch him glancing, my blood runs cold and I shut down and I admittedly become toxic. But there's so many attractive women everywhere. How can I get over this?
Your discomfort around women with him is your instincts warning you. You telling yourself you are insecure bla bla is you gaslighting yourself instead of admitting the truth, you have a creeper porn broken boy in your hands while you pretend he is a man worth something. He isn’t.
I don't have the capacity to give a nuanced answer right now, but wanted to say that it sounds like you started dating a project and not the man you're looking for. He changed for you, and not because he thinks there is something inherently wrong with his behavior.
I’m sorry but is he dumb? I don’t understand why we infantilize men and then see their supposed “progress” as a good thing. A dog may want to eat the food on your plate but knows no to. This isn’t progress. And in my experience only porn sick broken men have this issue to begin with. There is no progress here. I’m sorry but you can spray all the perfume you want on this one, but trash is still trash. And deep down you know it, even if it’s painful to admit to it.
"I still have jealousy issues" - who made this a 'you' problem to begin with? I smell gaslighting. "him not understanding why" - oh girl, he does understand, he just doesn't care. Men will go off even if you're just being polite towards another guy, of course he knows how he makes you feel but again, he doesn't care. "just to think she needs sunscreen" - yeah right. My dear, people are lying all the time, the problem starts when you choose to believe the lie. All in all, he sounds like a pornsick, manipulative scrote. Stop wasting your precious energy trying to cOmMUnIcaTe, all it does is that it allows him to further gaslight you and make you believe you are the toxic one. Relationships should be easy, he should be making you feel loved, safe and happy or else what's the point? Stop trying to fix him and dump his useless ass.
A piece of advice that I try to live by, especially towards the beginning of relationships is “Let them do what they’re going to do so you can see what they would rather do.” So my advice to you is to act like you stopped caring and see if he goes back to looking at other women. If he broke his old habits and then makes the decision to start it again, it’s not something he wants to maintain.
Dump this man immediately. Unless you're in construction, you don't need a project. You have nothing to 'get over' because you're not being unreasonable. He sounds like a toddler you have to explain why he shouldn't cross the road. You're doing waaaaay too much work to change a man who doesn't want to. RUN. You deserve better than a shitty guy who has no personal integrity he'll stare at topless women at the beach. NEXT!!
Do you like the person that you are with him? Needy, paranoid, self-doubting? Let me put it another way: You have repeatedly said that there must be something wrong with you because you shouldn't be so unhappy. You are DOUBTING YOUR OWN BRAIN FUNCTION BECAUSE OF THIS MAN. You are either being gaslit or you are gaslighting yourself. Listen to the voice that's saying there is something wrong. It's telling you to leave the relationship.
Ignore his behavior when you are out and pretend you are playing on your phone or whatever then see if he keeps checking out other women. Also, you should start checking out hot guys and actually check them out. It would be nice to see his reaction to that 😉 they don’t like their women doing what they do to women because they are selfish insecure assholes.
@Savannah, Reaux, Lilith (can’t find their profiles to mention), and other mods, please help this woman because she ain’t listening to us plebeian FDS-ers. Barb the builder needs a special FDS rescue mission pep talk or anything. The comments are trying help her see how deeply she’s been manipulated and gaslit but she is deeeep in the fog. Her NVM is telling her what she wants to hear but she is straight up refusing to see it. Please help our sister, she might listen to you.
Going back through your posts history, a month ago you’ve been asking about your boyfriend l LYING TO YOU IN THE PRESENT about the past, asking vaguely if it’s normal that he’s been ogling and STILL ogling other women. Women besides me have been telling you this is LVM behavior and he’s been telling on himself since day one. I still don’t understand how you can’t see it. 🤦🏾♀️ And more importantly, why are you asking for advice when you know the truth? We aren’t going to look the other way when it comes to these things we’ve all been in your shoes, and we left these shitty men. Stop being a pickme and pull the trigger. At this point it’s choice, and you won’t be happy in the end
You ask how you can get over this. There is only one way. You cannot get over this until the man is gone, because he is the cause. It is fully up to you whether you wish to live like this or not. The choice is yours.
Adding on to this, this isn't queen behavior this is pick-me behavior. Build a man is pick-me behavior; it sounds like you haven't been investing in yourself or understand that. A man is suppose to make your life easier, enrich it, not stress you out. Having a partner is a privilege not a project.
@NotYourSugarMami So, you've been with them for a while but he still makes you feel a little insecure especially about something that is deep rooted in not only trauma but a huge problem in your relationship? You know how we preach here on FDS anyone who was or has been p*** sick or struggling with addiction is a no-go. Especially if it wasn't that long ago, no one changes that fast. Even for one year therapy. It's worse when they're older because it's harder to change those habits. This is what my ex was for 7 years. Exactly like this, first it was stop leaving tons of porn tabs on, asking him not to watch porn, then asking him to not checking women out as much. 10 building a secret harm of women only for him to emotionally investing them more (women friends) and cheat. I've been on the other side, and now looking back I would be focusing on working on myself rather than trying to get someone to change who they are. You're dividing your energy into the wrong person. You're clearly not happy, this is dominating your relationship to the point where you made this post. You're struggling with jealousy, and something deep rooted within yourself. I will never be with anyone ever again who triggered this within me, and infact in therapy- which is what I did in those 7 years and even now. I don't struggle with this now because I have standards, and won't compromise. It doesn't matter if they're sincere. Anyone who has/had a serious addiction is someone you need to vet harder. They have hard habits to break and if the habits that they tried to break don't have a healthy backup to replace this; that's a serious red flag. You're making excuses/allowances and your intuition is yelling at you. It's why you posted this in the first place. HVM wouldn't do this or have to be told, in many different ways not to objectify other women and triangulation. If you had to tell him to stop he'll just keep resenting you more. I know this isn't what you want to hear and you were looking for some hope and positive feedback on this, but there's a reason why all of us are here and why to be a queen you have to be ruthless. This is literally one of the biggest red flags and this is what we preach about sis. Literally in the handbook. Having strength to vet and talk the talk- now you have to be willing to walk the walk otherwise you're fooling yourself.
This relationship sounds unnecessarily difficult
If you have to train him to not perve over naked bodies of strange women then he lacks basic empathy
If you're jealous of other women there is a cause created by him, insecurity due to his behavior or an emotional need of yours not being met
Maybe journal to see the patterns for yourself
@NotYourSugarMami I’m curious to where he was before when you met him. What did he do that was so wrong? But I’ve had this happen with almost every guy I’ve been with. People say it’s not normal. I did see a comment that says a girl looked the other way for her man when there was an attractive guy. That’s actually what I’ve done with every guy I’ve been with. I would like to think that some men would do that as well. One I’ve dated have done it very overtly. He used to even whistle and make comments. Some would just look. And some would stare.