Looking for advice and strategies on detatching

I have a very analytical mind (PhD/science nerd here, haha) & what worked for me was reading up on the research surrounding avoidant types - long story short, there's basically no fixing them & any relationship they *do* end up in will be perpetual torture for their partner. People (esp. men) are predictable - it's usually not very complicated, nor are they very deep. He's either a good, well-adjusted, respectful person, or he's broken... and if the guy's broken, he's broken. You can go find a better one that isn't 😇 What's important if you've identified this dynamic, and you've identified what you want. You're doing great - that's the hardest part! Some ladies here preemptively detach using their roster to keep some objectivity; I personally tend to put a lot of energy into maintaining close friendships, volunteering, and my work. Having a rich life (and leaning into that when you find yourself in this type of situation) really helps me. You can do it sis 💪 🥰

Update…. I hope no one minds I’m kind of using this as a journal, and if you chime in to give me perspective much appreciated…

so after not responding to a question I texted Monday and not texting me at all Tuesday this morning he wrote ”good morning”. I didn’t respond.

considering how we said we should see each other soon, visit x city together, make plans to travel etc and he barely makes any effort to actually realize these or plan dates, and I see him too infrequently Bc he isn’t asking, I don’t think “good morning“ is cutting it for me.

he also gives me mixed signals. I’m just not happy. I’m not responding. It would be another story if he tried harder to win me back (and even that wouldn’t be in my beat interest to respond but I can’t let go of hope and wishful fantasies unfortunately) but that’s not even happening. his best effort is a “good morning” text.

and I’m realizing all the banter and fun texts and intrigue in the dynamic originates from me, not him.

Well done on recognizing this as early as you have! There are different ways to approach this, sometimes the slow fade works best if this is someone you may run into again professionally or socially. Stop responding, don't answer his calls, exclude him from knowing about your life and tell him you're busy if he presses. He will get the message. You can always block and delete. Make sure you have something set up (a new hobby, interest etc.) so you aren't tempted to go back to him. You have recognized that he isn't fulfilling you. There is no way to "see him and detach", that is a surefire way to run into situationships which are not healthy, nor fulfilling. Good luck!

You have to fully stop seeing him if you want to erase or diminish your feelings for him.

This situation is not as bad but still not good. We usually are in contact every day, with about equal initiation, him more. But recently I noticed he avoided a question. And I also noticed in 2 days if I don’t initiate he will let the whole day pass by and reach out the next day … which to me is weird

I’m really struggling to not reach out today :( I hate this and how weak I am still

My ex was exactly like this. He wouldn't text me for days and when he would, he would only take me out for dinner or something. I was crazy about him so I would keep texting him often and he wouldn't reciprocate the same way. Found out he was cheating and lying. Took some effort on my part but could finally block him. Just stayed busy, read books, went out more etc and time did the rest. Just have to wait out getting detached imo

It's okay to struggle with detaching. We aren't actually supposed to be able to go through life like robots, discarding people constantly. This is the way we've adapted to the patriarchal society we are in. Give yourself kindness for being big-hearted and then set your mind to your goal: to go no contact and cut all ties with this person. You must make up your mind first and set this as your true goal in order to succeed.

You already know this situation isn't healthy, but if you need any validation here it is. He may not be overtly abusing you, but making false promises and pretending to be in a relationship with you is scummy behavior men know they are hurting women with.

He is not the good guy you may be wearing goggles that are making him appear to be. He is using you and that is very uncool.

Action Steps: Block him on all social media. You knowing that he can see what you post or comments, etc, is going to continue to cause anxiety. Block all forms of contact, and even block him on Twitter, etc, where you may not be formally connected/following each other. Block his email (to all of your emails) and block him on every form of contact you have. This helps you also not to contact him or look him up. Delete all conversations, pictures, swooning notes sent or received, and gifts from him.

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. You are fully allowed, Queen. Sorry you are dealing with this, but props for implementing FDS and noticing the need to cut him off at the first sign you saw. Once implemented, you will begin getting even stronger and making space for good people in your life. I know it hurts and sucks right now, though. Sending good juju your way.

Look, I think it's pretty normal to get attached and feel a bit sad after breaking up with someone. We've all been there. You can tell him clearly you don't think you're a match/it's not working for you and end it. But don't expect your feelings to disappear immediately--we are humans and processing the end of things does get a bit emotional. Just take the time to get over him, focus on building female friendships and enjoying your hobbies and life. I'm not into the whole "labelling" yourself as X or Y. I used to be very clingy, but have evolved healthy boundaries--it takes time! Be kind to yourself. You deserve the best.

I’m a disgrace. I broke I replied to his second good morning in a row. I’m not writing more than 2 words in any text so far.. but still don’t know why I keep hurting myself . He can’t provide what I need . Why do I do this?

AP/FA here and I am the same. It’s been 2 years for me and I’m not over my LVX in any way at all whatsoever no matter how hard I try or what I do. I want to know as well and realize that this is the most trauma-iest of all bonds! I also wanna know, as a single mother with low-income (for now), how I can access therapy and dies anyone have any success stories regarding utilizing therapy.