Currently I’m (22F) not actively dating and I’ve been celibate for a year. I’ve been reflecting on my pick-me tendencies and specifically on the type of men I attract.
It seems like the main type of men I attract are men who are queer, bi, or in the closet, even though I prefer dating men who are heterosexual.
When I lost my virginity at 18 I was with a man (22M) who told me he couldn’t be in an exclusive relationship with me after 4 months of dating because, in his own words, he was depressed, polyamorous, possibly queer, and not over his ex girlfriend. He didn’t tell me any of these things until I had already lost my virginity to him and he made me believe things were serious between us while we were dating.
The next short-lived relationship I had was with a guy (21M) who told me he was straight but when I asked him if he has watched porn he said that he has watched gay porn and that he’d like to have a “twink suck him off” if the opportunity arose. He told me this in bed after we just had sex.
My first (and last) age gap/toxic relationship was with a 30 year old man, let’s call him Adam. Adam always had his male best friend at his house even though they didn’t live together, sometimes until 3-4am while I was still there. Anytime I confronted him about it, like “why does your friend stay so late while I’m here?” he would get upset with me. One time Adam and his friend went into the bathroom for 30 minutes with the blow dryer on. I confronted him about that too, asking if they were doing something sexual or drugs, and he gaslighted me completely.
I always had suspicions that Adam was bi or gay and in the closet, he also had ED because he was addicted to porn and chain smoking. After we broke up, he contacted me several months later saying that him and his bff had a dramatic falling out. I asked Adam again if he ever did anything with his friend and he said that his friend tried to have sex with him one time but he rejected him because he’s not a F-word.
Immediately after Adam said that I realized that my suspicions were always true. He was the only guy I’ve ever dated who tried so hard to be traditionally masculine, or actually tried to be in a toxic way. One of the reasons we broke up was because I was not “submissive enough” for him but he wasn’t even a strong man to begin with. Just tries to be alpha even though he’s the last thing from it like that Andrew Tate guy.
I try to think about the men I know or who I’ve met in the past who are HVM and I cannot think of any. Further, I can’t find a single heterosexual man who doesn’t say or do things that make me question his sexuality. I’ve been single for a year because the men who are interested in me, no matter their age, are blatantly immature. For instance, a guy who I had been talking to for a while seemed like a HVM until he started sending me horny selfies of himself on a daily basis. At first it was innocent selfies but then he started sending shirtless pics and crotch pics while I still sent nothing in return and we never met irl. Ugh I’m just tired it all.