Apologies beforehand, this post will be kind of rambly as I just got home from a long drive.
Well, I should probably give up wanting to find somebody. I've had massive problems relating to other people since I was a toddler who wouldn't really play with the other kids like a normal child.
And I know FDS is all about being okay single; I get that, but it has been a lifelong dream of mine to find the right guy for me and get married. It's always in the back of my mind even as I'm trying to enjoy my current singledom.
I've been leveling up with university and (hopefully) my new career that I'm finally breaking into. I've been doing things that a year ago I would have been too scared to do myself. I've been taking care of my appearance, improving my wardrobe, working out and getting in shape.
But for the life of me I cannot make relationships work. Even my friendships are fickle. Most of my family is full of disfunction.
I mostly ever get negative experiences from others. I was bullied and sexually violated growing up; i'm criticized constantly from the very things I say to every little thing I do; went through narcisstic abuse with my ex.
He would criticize everything about me, especially my physical features. He made me feel ugly. 2 years later after breaking up, I still feel ugly. This feeling was especially triggered today after a couple of guys acted like they didn't want to touch me even though they happily hugged a friend I was with. I felt extremely rejected. I feel ugly, inside and out. Then I remembered how this guy I had an intense crush a couple months ago had looked at me in disgust a few times. I know, i've been working hard to decenter men from my life but it still hurts.
I haven't been asked out by anyone in the time I've been broken up with my ex. I never get asked out
This just seems to be the one area I can't work out for some reason. Countless self help books, podcasts, videos. CBT, exposure therapy, forcing myself to get out there. Nothing seems to be working. I guess I'm just not it. I'm also not outgoing enough to interest most people.
Almost every single guy I have ever liked throughout my whole life didn't like me.. like at all. Idk what's wrong with me, but I might just make my exit here. I'm still a pickme; i really want to be loved and cared about, especially by an SO. This is extremely painful for me to write out, but it's true. All I want to do at this point is be happy somehow and have fun, especially if everyone is going to hate me anyways.
Sorry this was so long and boring. Tldr: i think I give up on dating. FDS was nice, but maybe dating's just not in the cards for me.