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Apologies beforehand, this post will be kind of rambly as I just got home from a long drive.
Well, I should probably give up wanting to find somebody. I've had massive problems relating to other people since I was a toddler who wouldn't really play with the other kids like a normal child.
And I know FDS is all about being okay single; I get that, but it has been a lifelong dream of mine to find the right guy for me and get married. It's always in the back of my mind even as I'm trying to enjoy my current singledom.
I've been leveling up with university and (hopefully) my new career that I'm finally breaking into. I've been doing things that a year ago I would have been too scared to do myself. I've been taking care of my appearance, improving my wardrobe, working out and getting in shape.
But for the life of me I cannot make relationships work. Even my friendships are fickle. Most of my family is full of disfunction.
I mostly ever get negative experiences from others. I was bullied and sexually violated growing up; i'm criticized constantly from the very things I say to every little thing I do; went through narcisstic abuse with my ex.
He would criticize everything about me, especially my physical features. He made me feel ugly. 2 years later after breaking up, I still feel ugly. This feeling was especially triggered today after a couple of guys acted like they didn't want to touch me even though they happily hugged a friend I was with. I felt extremely rejected. I feel ugly, inside and out. Then I remembered how this guy I had an intense crush a couple months ago had looked at me in disgust a few times. I know, i've been working hard to decenter men from my life but it still hurts.
I haven't been asked out by anyone in the time I've been broken up with my ex. I never get asked out
This just seems to be the one area I can't work out for some reason. Countless self help books, podcasts, videos. CBT, exposure therapy, forcing myself to get out there. Nothing seems to be working. I guess I'm just not it. I'm also not outgoing enough to interest most people.
Almost every single guy I have ever liked throughout my whole life didn't like me.. like at all. Idk what's wrong with me, but I might just make my exit here. I'm still a pickme; i really want to be loved and cared about, especially by an SO. This is extremely painful for me to write out, but it's true. All I want to do at this point is be happy somehow and have fun, especially if everyone is going to hate me anyways.
Sorry this was so long and boring. Tldr: i think I give up on dating. FDS was nice, but maybe dating's just not in the cards for me.
Never apologize for having high standards. People who want to be in your life will rise up to meet them. -Z.K. Abdelnour
Are you still in contact with your family? As someone with a toxic family, getting away from them was huge for my self-confidence and healing. It took a long time to finally feel like myself.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things by focusing on yourself, so that's really positive. But, it takes literally years to get to the place of self-confidence and self-acceptance you're craving. I never got asked out in university either! Don't give up on yourself. As you begin to relax into yourself and enjoy the peace of solitude, your energy will shift. I know that sounds kinda silly, but it's true. Maybe try stepping back from the relentless self-help work and forcing yourself to get out there? Keep doing your thing, but only put yourself out there once you feel relaxed about it. Dating right now may not be in the cards for you, but that doesn't mean it won't be in 5 years. My 20s were shit, my 30's have been soooo much better. Don't despair.
You can do all the therapy in the world but self-acceptance comes from within. Therapy is meant to guide you there, but there is clearly a part of you that is pushing back. It’s what you do between sessions that counts most. You truly need to learn to be okay with who you are. You’re stuck with you, so you gotta learn to love yourself. Are you challenging every self-criticism, unhelpful thought? Any time you’re tempted to put yourself down, challenge that thought with a positive thing to say about yourself. Ask yourself, what does it achieve when I put myself down? It is an inefficient use of my time to waste it on ripping myself apart. What can I do that is productive to work through these negative feelings? Ask yourself every single time and then work through to a productive outcome. It will eventually become a habit. You’re not in a space to date right now, you will be relying on validation and self-esteem from external sources. Not healthy. Role reversed, could you imagine dating a man going through what you are right now? Needy, reliant on external validation, zero self-esteem. Exhausting, right? Reading about self-improvement and attending therapy is one thing, but you need to push yourself and actively apply it to your day to day. I suggest you write a counterpoint to this post in a private journal. A complete opposite take on all of the fulfilling things you have going on for you.
I felt a lot of gentle, human vibes from this post. You seem like a kind soul. Sometimes it‘s our past that still has a hold on us, and we might have to try a few different types of therapy to heal all wounds. I would mainly look for a therapist that is known for their human, personable approach.
Other times it’s the area that we live in - could be a very high- achieving, superficial and cold place, or could be a very cruel and rough place where even those that seem to survive are never entirely unscathed. I also recommend Deeper Dating podcast, which, much like FDS is more about general self-development and the healing of wounds than just about scoring dates. x
Are you me? 😞 there are a lot of similarities between us and what I wonder is have you tried meds? They haven’t done much for me Ona me off bit I’m considering picking sertraline back up or some contraceptive pills since I’m alone. I am also looking into therapy based on attachment types. Maybe this is the root of our evils.