A Lady Does Nothing and Wins Everything

I've touched base a bunch of times about the importance of not making the first move as a woman after learning such a valuable lesson from both The Handbook, as well as the recommended FDS books list. And it's really because we've seen a shift in the heterosexual dating world after the late 90s-early 2000s hit, where it slowly becomes more normalized that women ought to make the first move if she likes the chap enough to score with him. When it was first introduced, it was around the time that women were especially taking over so much of the public society; divorce was on the rise when women realized they didn't have to put up with abuse or infidelity any longer, women are now in office, women are doing big kid jobs like government, law, medicine, computer engineering etc etc, women are able to sue their husbands for marital rape in the united states (It wasn't outlawed until 1991, I think!), women can easily open up credit lines, own property in their own name, take birth control without having to marry, the works. We were really coming together as a group of strong, confident women able to take care of ourselves.

So, of course, misogyny always tries to find a way to slow us down, and one subtle way to do this, is to sabotage our efforts in finding long lasting love. And that starts with the notion that women have to make the first move, have to keep "performing" to keep the men interested, has to keep tabs on him, actively plan things for couple activities, have to reminding him of upcoming anniversaries, pick up after him, workout to look like his favorite actress or porn star, reminding him to call to schedule appointments with the doctors, never mind reminding him to not to forget to call her tonight!! All this on top of child rearing and household chores that he almost never helps out. Dating quickly became an exhausting loop where women put in 90% of the effort, and men a measly 10%, and suddenly, the 50/50 argument goes right out the window.

As a millennial born woman, I became susceptible of this brainwashing and thought I had to do a lot to catch a man's attention and keep him around. I took on the role of the pursuer, because I didn't wanted to be like all the other girls who were 'bad' in these men's eyes. I made sure to be as communicative as possible. I made the first move on a few men before. I made myself not appear intimidating, or too smart, or too 'good' at anything, so that he would feel relaxed around me. I tried to impress a man's friends, parents, siblings, and even tried to make some nice with ex girlfriends. I would text and call and email if he 'forgot' to. I was like a little dancing monkey, convinced I was doing all the right things. With male friends, I've made sure to perform a lot of emotional labor for them, especially the ones that I have had feelings of attraction for. The last one I did that was last year, and it was a brutal wake up call after how that ended.

In both media and in the real world, I've noticed something. The happiest couples in the world, were the ones where the man is respected in his position as the masculine pursuer and provider, and the women were allowed to rest in her feminine state. Now, this is very hard for me to type this out, because I had my stint with radical feminism since 2018 when I left my first marriage; it became a haven for me to heal from the domestic violence he inflicted upon me for so many years, and radical feminism did saved me. I agreed with so many points it made, and was critical of gender roles. But I think I want to change my mind on that last part now. I realize, before radical feminism when I tried to be both masculine and feminine (a most popular normal way to be), and during radical feminism when I tried to be especially independent and masculine, I was deeply unhappy with myself. I didn't let myself truly get vulnerable, soft, and being in touch with my emotional experiences. I felt divorced from my body, if that made any sense.

To me, being feminine means letting everything go and trusting that it will work out the way it is intended to, without any of my interferences or controlling the outcome. This was and still is very difficult for me to put this into mind because of being a certain way for nearly my entire life. Putting on an agender/bigender/masculine mask may have helped protect me in some ways, but it left me shattered when men decided I wasn't good enough to commit to. Or if they did, they did it out of begrudging realization that they cannot do any better than me, and wished I was someone else. I always felt it and it always hurt me so badly. Didn't I do enough? Did I had to do more than I've done now? Was I not kind enough, helpful enough, communicative enough, providing enough????

I realize now, that the women both in real life and in fiction, who don't lift their fingers to catch and keep a man, who just sits back and lets him be the one to go after her, work out the important little details himself, give her his wallet, perform for her viewing pleasure, were ironically the women who quickly were presented with commitment, without applying any pressure on the man at all. If he forgets to ring her up, she'll pretend she doesn't remember him and go out on a night in town with her friends or a new fellow. If he decides to spend time with an ex-girlfriend instead of her on a date, the woman who does nothing wouldn't say anything and just block him to make way for someone else to come in. The man whose parents, family, and friends disrespect her even once is all she needs as confirmation that this relationship ain't it, and quietly make her exit. She doesn't cry. She doesn't plead. She doesn't perform for him or for anyone. If you give her a bad time, she'll branch out to another person or another experience to get back into her happy place.

Younger people nowadays who enjoy watching that show "Euphoria" always have this to say about the love triangle between Nate, Maddy, and Cassie: "It's the way Cassie does so much for Nate that he never notices it, yet Maddy doesn't have to do anything and he gives her bouquets of roses just because." (Note: I am aware it's a highly abusive relationship, this is just one of the many examples for this topic.)

This is also why men leave their wives for their carefree mistresses. How many times have you've heard, "I've done everything for him. I've sacrificed so much for him. I was there for him when no one else was. And he left me for a woman he met just one month ago."? Although the men and the mistress are both seriously in the wrong from a moral perspective, from a biological/evolutionary viewpoint, it unfortunately makes sense as to why it happened. The mistress was the woman who didn't do anything and he loved that about her, just as men have much love, attraction, and respect for women who don't do anything, either. The women who do a lot or too much, on the other hand, gets nothing in the end. The women who do so much for her boyfriend, husband, sex partner, or male friends, get kicked to the curb when the men come across the dream girl who has too much respect for herself to get her hands dirty for him.

The next time you meet a man that you are especially smitten by, the one thing that I can guarantee will pique his interest is to do the following: Absolutely nothing. If he doesn't do anything either, then you'll have your answer, and you won't have to suffer from his cheating, domestic violence, or other horrible things that will take you twice as long to get over long after the break up or divorce is finalized.