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I'd like your wisdom. You ladies supported me with a mess I made last week in sleeping with an ex who later told me he wanted sex only.
I am (and privately have been) struggling to get over this man. This hasn't been helped by the fact I've experienced the usual misery on dating apps since we split in January (being ghosted, verbally abused, general fuckery) which had kinda elevated our previous relationship in my mind. I work from home and my close friends have young families. I joined a gym and a few sports clubs after we parted but nothing really clicked for me socially. I also have a strained relationship with my father who is local and in poor health.
I live in a small town in a house that this ex helped me decorate. I bought this is my first house having returned 'home' when my engagement ended in 2020 (that's a whole other thread!) and despite throwing a lot of 'our' stuff out and refreshing my decor, I can't seem to shake the memories of us/our time together in these walls. This overrides my usual logic but the incident the other week has set me back so hard. The area is limiting in terms of the lack of culture etc but it's a really beautiful part of the world.
It's more than my house, though. I see his flatmate when I work from my local cafe, his brother was behind me in the grocery queue earlier and I have to drive down his parents' street on my way to my family's home. I simply don't feel like I can move on when his business is in my face. Oh and he pops up on all the dating apps, too. Our last drunken meeting was in a local club. Go figure.
So, I'm at a crossroads. I'm currently applying for an internal transfer at work which would give me the opportunity to move to a bigger city but I'm in limbo whilst they make their hiring decision. Im also questioning whether a move is necessary for me to heal properly.
I'm doing everything right - I think! I work out 5 x a week, I'm revisiting FDS and I'm taking a break from dating whilst I make my decision about location. But I wonder:
if I move away, is that giving him too much power? Is that shying away from something that I should face head on and get over?
If I move to a city (coincidentally one I've already lived in) I wonder whether it's regressive? I realise I could rent out my place and make a neat profit and head back to a wider dating pool with more gusto but i worry it could be going from frying pan into the fire
There's also the fact I would have to come back at some point due to having projects up here. I know they say you shouldn't run from something but instead run to a thing. I've also written so many pros and cons lists that I'm starting to confuse myself!
People close to me are biased so here I am. Your thoughts are welcome.
Tldr: I'm considering heading to London because there are reminders of a toxic ex everywhere I go here and I'm feeling stifled
Seems like you have analysis paralysis and you're focusing far too much on getting in a relationship.
Changing the context around you is a good way to get over him. It doesn't make you weak or avoidant to want to move.
Move to the new city for reasons other than men. Is there any arts, culture, groups, restaurants, theaters, friends, or anything else that excites you about the city? If you move to a big city with the expectation that dating will be easier, or men on dating apps will be better, you may be sorely disappointed. I am in a large city in the US and the dating app pool is terrible. I recently deleted most of my dating apps, only keeping Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel.
Stop centering your life around men and do what is best for your happiness. Moving to a better city for dating opportunities is valid, but that should not be the main or deciding factor in moving there, because it might not pan out the way you think it will.
It sounds like a change of scenery would be beneficial. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the store etc if the town was small enough I'm running into his friends in the checkout line.
It's not regressive to move, it's doing what's best for you. If you rent out your place you can always come back. London has stuff to do and people to meet. That sounds like it's a set up for success. Get him out of your mind and put yourself in a position for more.
Honestly dating apps made me feel so much worse after breakups. If anything, they made me question my high standards when I felt particularly vulnerable in the past. I think a move will be an opportunity for a fresh start. I don’t think it gives him any power at all. If anything being locked in his orbit does. It’s harder to move on when you’re in such a tight knit community with your ex. You have options which is a blessing so definitely use them. I don’t think it’s regressive to move to a prior lived in city. However if you’ll have to move back eventually and long term you want this small town living then maybe rent out your place for a few months and see how you feel. Hopefully speed dating is much better experience❤️❤️.
Sorry to hear this. Have to mention, someone saying they just want sex is explicitly saying they just want to use you for something and don’t want you to be human or anything cumbersome like that. It’s sociopathic. it is worse than you saying to him “I just want you to buy me stuff”. Apart from that. I would 100 percent recommend moving. It’s hard because you’re not over this man yet but I have found small towns to be by and large miserable for single women. I find often in small towns the women are treated worse. Any good looking men who can be charming have their pick. Bigger cities where men have competition is just better for a single woman. I‘m not going to be one to chastise you for wanting a relationship and being hurt, you bond, you’re monogamous, you want someone serious thats alright in my books. i am currently looking to move out of my city as well after thinking about it for more than 10 years. Nothing ever got better. I’m still somewhat afraid to move but I am just doing it And then I’ll be somewhere else. If nothing good is happening where you are it cannot be worse. It can only get better. small towns are there To move to once you find a partner, or if you grew up there and met someone already. That’s it in my opinion (99% of the time).
Moving to a different location can help. Don't worry about what gives or doesn't give him power. However, don't move for the wider dating pool. Move because you want a change in scenery. You want to grow as a person and you want your mind a little preoccupied for the time being.