I don’t fall in love like I used to

Yep, that's the perfect way to sum it up.

It was a lot of practice. There was definitely some pendulum swings along the way. Also, therapy has been immeasurably helpful. I’m working with a therapist who works off of the book “Parts Work” by Tom Holmes and Lauri Holmes. It’s a really great book with cool illustrations. Totally recommend checking it out! So to talk about my process, there’s a difference between courtship and relationships, I would say. And I’ve found it to be all about my expectations. In a courtship, I expect him to screw up. Most men do. I’m far more pessimistic in this stage, and rightfully so. So during courtship, I let them earn their right to stay. He should be working hard to impress me. Block & delete comes easy if he doesn’t. Say I’ve met a man who checks all my boxes and during courtship hasn’t made, or tried to make, me feel insecure or stupid or any other negative feeling. Wow, this guy is actually really great! He pays for everything and does so happily, adores and cherishes me, etc etc etc whatever else checks your boxes as potentially high value. In a relationship, I expect him to treat me well. I expect him to keep doing the things that impressed me so much during courtship. Without exception. It’s like a job. I hired him for a certain role. If he’s not meeting the expectations of that role, or if his slacking or incompetence puts undue pressure and stress on the rest of the team (i.e., me)—just like a job, he’s fired. And here’s how I balance it: I’ll preface by saying I’m not a gamer by any stretch, but have played some video games in my life, and I think of my “love” as something like a “health bar”. When I’m happy and my expectations are met, I feel loved, and my health bar is pretty full. But when he starts not meeting my expectations, the “health bar” takes a hit. And I let it take a hit (instead of gaslighting myself into forgiving him and staying, like I used to do). The amount of the hit is determined by the grievance. If that “health bar” gets too low, it’s game over. For example: I expect him to curate and pay for dates, regardless of how long we’re together. Let’s say he says “Hey, I’m a little short on cash this week. Do you mind paying for us to eat out on Friday?” Nowadays I would probably make a confused face and say something like “Oh, it’s ok. We can do something else.” Because I do expect him to pay for us going out. If he’s short on cash, he can curate a picnic. In truth, I would feel miffed that he even asked me that question. Especially if the reason is because he blew his cash on something selfish and stupid. I embrace the “bitch;” I have expectations and if he doesn’t meet them, he will know I’m not happy about it. This doesn’t require a full blow up at the first offense or anything. But this is a hit to my health bar. So let’s say, he sees my reaction, recognizes that I am not thrilled, he will do one of three things: 1. Complain that he always pays so why can’t I do it. 2. Pretends he doesn’t see that I’m not thrilled because he’s a “silly, stupid man” and I didn’t “communicate” effectively enough. 3. Recognizes my expectations and figures out a plan for Friday. #3 would increase my “health bar”. People make mistakes and have to figure out the landscape sometimes. Again, I’m only this lenient in an established relationship. #1 would hit my “health bar” HARD. So hard that I would consider ending the relationship. I don’t tolerate men throwing temper tantrums at me like a child. #2 would be a smaller hit to my health bar at that moment because the effects wouldn’t be immediately clear. He would probably shrug off my comment about doing something else. Friday would come and go with no plans (another hit). If he didn’t have another date lined up soon after—another hit. Other “minor” irritation would feel bigger because I don’t feel loved and cherished and hears, so more hits. And if there was no sign of progress (keep in mind, I’m just watching and waiting for him to make it up to me—I’m not hand-holding through anything), I would likely end the relationship. I don’t have patience for the “I’m a silly stupid man” game. He can play that game by himself without me around. I’ll also say, it’s not super linear like I’ve laid it out. But we’re all learning, growing, and deprogramming as best we can 😊