I was always caught up in Disney-ified, Cosmo/libfem feminine-ideal. Cosmo was the gateway to BDSM and “cool girl”.
This mindset has caused me so much trauma at the hands of men, and I always blamed myself for the shit they inflicted on me.
I didn’t use my safe word and I should have. I didn’t communicate enough. I set these expectations so I can’t be upset they got lazy, and I can’t change the pattern now because they’re comfortable and it would be too hard for them to change.
Stupid shit like that.
I would see my man as my king, but instead of being his queen, I acted more like his mistress and servant. Classic cool-girl bangmaid. I would fall head-first and hard, and expressed my love by being endlessly forgiving and patient and tolerant and kind.
Things are very different now, thank god (and really, thanks to FDS for giving me the template I needed).
First of all, I’m no longer wasting my time with shit-guys because I cut them off early at the beginning.
Secondly, it’s become abundantly clear that men who DO like me respond surprisingly well to (what I would formerly categorize as) “bitchy” behavior. Not tolerant. Not forgiving. No benefit-of-the-doubt. Are you a grown-ass man? Act like it.
And I’ve finally found the balance between “how to constantly vet” and “how to enjoy the relationship”. At first I felt like I was being negative and paranoid all the time by being vigilant about vetting. Now, it’s second-nature.
I feel like I was brainwashed by a cult into worshipping and catering to men, and that I’m still working on my deprogramming. But it’s working, and I’m getting there.
I don’t fall in love like I used to, with sparkle-glitter-Disney-eyes and benevolent all-forgiving blindness to the depraved selfishness of men, under the deluded mentality that these poor men just need to be LOVED to reach their full potential.