I think cohabitation harms women in most cases because the woman pays rent while making less than the man, she does the housework and childcare, and she is settling for living together when she actually wants marriage.
However, what if the man is paying 100% of the rent/mortgage, the housework is shared equitably, they're childfree, and the woman is ambivalent about marriage?
EDIT: Thank you reading and for all the thoughtful input! đ
Before posting, I had already told my bf that I would not cohabitate, but a pro-cohabitation friend was asking me why? I said marriage shows more commitment and offers legal protections, but I wasn't able to put it as well as some queens in this comment thread. đ
In any case, I don't need a justification for my standards. â¤ď¸
I would say it is disadvantageous if the woman is not saving her entire income and only minimally contributing to household expenses. If he pays for everything and is willing to give her as much space and freedom as she would have while living alone, I guess it could work out. However, I can't imagine why anyone would do this. If you can't see yourself marrying a man, why in the world would you want to live with him?
I told my boyfriend that if we ever marry and move in together, we will have a housekeeper once a week, and I will have my own bathroom suite and closet with dressing room that is off-limits to him. And my schedule, freedoms, etc. will not change unless I want them to. Otherwise, what is the point? Your standard of living should go up, never down, if you are going to make a sacrifice of this magnitude. Emotional labor is very real and very draining.
Cohabitation should be treated like marriage - a legally binding contract. You can have a legal Cohabitation agreement that is much like a pre-nuptial but also outlines how much financial responsibility you have for household expenses and gives an exit plan should it not work (relocation costs). All women should have these if they are going to live with a man outside of marriage. If the relationship doesn't work, it can save them from being sued later for unpaid rent or whatever. The global affordable housing crisis and housing insecurity makes it much, much more difficult for women to leave abusive relationships. One should never, ever enter an agreement to live with a man without a legal contract
Iâd itâs never advantageous. For starters there are common laws so you end up âmarriedâ anyway if it lasts like a year in most places. only you its done wit h less thought and less discussion (Iâd figure on most cases). Second theres an idea in culture that men are told women want commitment and are monogamous (never even attracted or capable of being shrouded by other men! ), but he as a man is âwiredâ To be aroused and attracted to many women (news flash we all areâŚwhy is the psych field still so sexist?)âŚwhat this means Is many men feel like monogamy is impossible and stupid and so they are all justified to lying to women who donât âgetâ what itâs like to be attracted to other people when youâre committed (ha!), so they feel they are doing you a FAVOUR by being with you, and marriage is like a carrot they can keep you working for. they literally donât assume youâre capable as a woman of leaving them for another men so they really feel empowered in this scenario. Also there is a book âSex and the soul of a womanâ which I would highly recommend (although there is Christian view of sex in marriage it is about How men need to man up and give everything to a woman as part of proving they are man enough to be a husband)âŚanyway, in this book the author Paula refers to a survey of American men when they were asked why they chose cohabitation over marriage and these were THEIR responses:
a) access to sex regularly
b) less accountability than a husband
c) someone To help with the chores, dog rent etc
d) âgood enoughâ for now until their soulmate comes along.
see how entitled these guys are? Further nothing here indicates they feel THEY are auditioning to be YOUR husband, they actually feel they have all the power and the women are there for them.
I personally am going so far as to say having a bf is also useless. Itâs a wierd thing where your supposed to be 100 percent committed to someone who could leave you at anytime, and because you arenât their wife, they wonât feel bad cheating and also youâll find people donât feel bad for gfs who are cheated on. I say theres no reason to turn down dates until 2 people are committed for life and sure. Otherwise youâre only blocking the possibility of finding a better guy and taking away all his competition so he can suck and not worry about it affecting him negatively.
No. youâre taking yourself off the market and limiting yourself from possibly better options for a man who isnât even official with you. Itâs all benefits and no responsibilities. Why do 50% of the housework when you can do 0% and keep your options open while leveling up on your own? Iâm not a fan of anything that promotes emotional intimacy without him *really* working for it. Also- if you break up, you now have a potential housing problem on your hands.
I actually faced this predicament recently. Handsome guy, good career, cultured, home owner, willing to pay the bills, etc. He wants to cohabitate, not marry. I cut it off. If a guy doesn't want a woman ALL the way, why bother? I understand it from his perspective: he has kids and he wants to ensure they inherit his house and there is no conflict of interest. Imagine the woman's perspective: she spends her life loving and taking care of a man to be kicked out within weeks after he dies, while she's amid grief, to ensure kids who did not help care for him get some money form the sale of the only home she had for decades, filled with all their memories. No increased social security for her, no say at all in medical decisions, or how is body is interred, because she never married him. Would a guy who REALLY loved his woman and saw her as his life partner want her elderly years spent looking for new housing on the pittance of social security women who were house wives earn? (Average male pensioner gets 3k monthly, average house wives gets 1k monthly). I wouldn't leave the man who loved me for decades in that kind of lurch if I could help it. Yet men have NO problem doing this to women after service for decades. So nope, you either marry me and we take the best care we can of each other and each other's families - or don't invite me into your life at all.
I will never live with a man if we aren't married. If the man hasn't put in the WORK and TIME it takes to make me comfortable enough to marry him, and if he isn't putting in the WORK and TIME it takes to make the commitment of marriage, then I refuse to live with him. I refuse to ever be the mommy bangmaid of any man. Any HVM will never expect me to be his mommy bangmaid he can kick out at any time. He'd have to talk to my lawyers.
I'm only going to do it because I'll be in a new country and the city I'll be moving to is crazy expensive. We won't be doing anything sexual though, we're waiting till marriage. Otherwise? I would advise against it. If you're close enough to live together, put both names on the lease and share bills, you should be close enough to marry IMO. besides, it's too close to Forever GFing otherwise!
Honestly marriage isn't for everyone here on FDS. It's all about what suits your life and circumstances and the laws in your country.
There are definitely ways where itâs advantageous to women. It helps a lot with vetting to see a man daily in his home. I wouldnât commit to a marriage without living with them first
Something else to think about...the longer you cohabitate with a man you are not married to, the less effort he will put into communication.
I speak from experience as it's something I am currently going through. We have had an issue for pretty much the majority of our relationship and I'm always the one who initiates the difficult conversations. However, I explicitly told him I would not bring up the topic until he does. I told him I didn't want to pressure him, but I actually want to see how much he prioritizes it. So far...nothing. He's been pretending nothing is wrong. That tells me all I need to know.
I think the reason behind this is that since we are already living together, he essentially has nothing to worry about and will prolong the discussion in the hopes that I'll forget about it. He thinks he still has me. Nope. I'm already making an exit plan.
When you're older and you have your own money, I think it's not a disadvantage, and has many advantages. This includes financial independence and ability to bail asap if necessary. You can share expenses, which is very financially advantageous. He should be doing at least half the physical and emotional labor and contribute at least half of the expenses.
I don't think you should EVER give up a career and making your own income for someone who isn't legally obligated to support you, and that includes taking on a second career as a domestic/sexual servant. Fuck that.
The latter situation is on the womanâs terms and to her advantage. So thatâs okay.
I will require an engagement before ever living with another man. Thereâs just no winning living with a man as his gf (IMO). I moved into my exes house at the time, (first mistake..if youâre not with a true provider, theyâll resent you for moving into *THEIR* home if you donât help with mortgage/rent) and who was the one entertaining all of his guests and friends, going above and beyond for any party or gathering⌠ME. It felt like I was doing wife duties for the price of a girlfriend. Granted, he was great with house chores as he should be so no bonus points there, just pointing it out. My point is, an engagement signifies a partnership and an agreement/symbol of working through tough times together. Living together isnât a walk in the park, and my ex threw me out like trash after 1.5 months of living together. I would make sure the person is future focused before ever dropping my original, safe living situation to live with a man - always have a back up plan and money saved.
If he really does all those things, it might be OK as a trial. Shared housework with a man rarely happens. Whether you own or rent, keep your own place for at least 6 months. I've heard stories of men becoming assholes as soon as she moved in and already gave up her place. I'm all for keeping my own place though.
I personally wonât live with a man until weâre at least engaged with a wedding date planned. If you wouldnât marry a man DONâT live with him. Itâs not worth the headache. Regardless of marriage tho, men should be paying all the bills, dates, vacations, etc. The idea of going 50/50 is a scam, your risks as a woman far outweigh his and generous men know this. His money is for the two of you, your money is for you. Also, childcare and domestic labor need to be split with women having more emphasis on the child rearing and men doing more of the domestic labor. We can all have our own opinions, but I donât trust men enough to be left alone with kids. Too many stories of âdoting fathersâ actually being pedophiles has scarred me. I do, however, see no issue with men cooking, cleaning, fixing, shopping, and up-keeping the home. Iâm personally childfree so I think the difference here is that all the money he would save by us not having kids (itâs like $30k a year per kid! đą) would go into landscapers, maids, and food prep services. I have a maid and landscaper and I just canât fathom doing these chores anymore, let alone for a man?
My psychologist told that she allows her daughter to live with guy cause itâs very fast to see the reality and she already broke with 3 men and all of them where better than each other. And marriage is important cause of rights but most important is to be with right person
I cohabitated when I was still dating my current husband. I was getting divorced from my first husband and getting married again was not really on the cards. I was between 22 and 23, just âliving lifeâ, and cohabitation was my way to ensure having a steady sexual partner and cheap rent in a coastal city (yes, he was paying more stuff). Him marrying me took me by surprise. Had he not married me, I would had been cool with ending things with him down the line and who knows what else my life had turned out to be.
Cohabitation can be useful for discovering if he's a complete slob or not and if he places all the domestic duties on you. Just don't sign long ass leases or only sign them in places you would be able to afford on your own. Never be dependent on men!
Thereâs too much of a risk even if circumstances are perfect, like the ones youâve outlined. The future is never guaranteed, perfect men can change, you can grow apart, plus house prices keep rising higher and higher. Best to have your own home if you can afford it and you arenât married as prices will continue to rise to more ridiculous heights in many places.
I cohabitated with my âcollege sweetheartâ for two years after we graduated, and all I can say is never again! I quickly became a Mommy McBangmaid and got stuck all of the cooking and cleaning because I was the only one who cared enough to do it. Plus had to pay 2/3rds of the bills because he became a grad student while I got a job. Itâs so easy for women to be exploited by cohabitation. I would only do it again if I were engaged (and there would have to be a wedding date set, none of that 10 year fiancĂŠe BS). The scenario that you described at the end of your post seems like it could work, but I would be vigilant about the man sticking to the agreement. Most women donât become a Bangmaid overnight, it happens gradually.