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Posting here while I wait to be assigned a flair in Reddit.
Hi all. I hope everyone is doing as well as they can.
I need some help. I just signed a new lease with bf, 27M, and have found evidence of him not physically cheating, but pretty much continuing to mess around with the girl he told me not to worry about. It’s always them right? He’s also planning a trip back to his hometown, where this girl is, and I’m 99.99% sure they’ll be with each other. Despite us just spending the last half hour talking about how he’s doing all in his power to avoid her.
So now that I’ve listened to him lie to me for 30 minutes- what do I do with this energy? It may be a weird ask, but how do I turn this into strategy? I’m planning to leave. I’m waiting to save up money to break this lease and tie up some other ends. I don’t want anything to do with him after I leave. I want to take me and my dog and get out of dodge. I just don’t know what to do with my feelings right now, and I’m following the leaving guidance advice- don’t say I want a breakup until I’m fully prepared to leave.
TLDR- what do I do in the meantime? Personal strategy wise? How do I reconcile listening to someone lie to my face and not just wallow in it, but also remember that I’m playing the long game, and am not immediately leaving?
Unnecessary info but I’m just getting it off my chest: very ironic that he tells me that he doesn’t want the last time we ever have sex to be the last time because I’m already planning on leaving because that would make him feel used. How the fuck do you think it feels being lied to? It’s my turn now. I’ve been devalued, so now I’m doing the devaluing. I have photos in my hidden folder on my phone already of Instagram comments to the girl he just told me he wasn’t talking to or interacting with. As well as pictures of him being with her (presumably after sex) when he told me he wasn’t- I just wasn’t confident in my confrontation of him and allowed him to turn it back in me. I take accountability for that. I just don’t understand how someone has these standards and expectations for my behavior and reactions to his bullshit. It’s this type of behavior from him that makes me gaslight myself and ask whether or not it’s that bad.
this i old I know but congratulations, great execution. You did good queen, wry well played out, classy, accountable and kept your cool. Keep it cute. Make it into a game if you have to. Nod and play the dumb fox, do not let the lies or tears your inner reserve and go girl go! Get excited about you new life! I for one would love an update!
How long will it take for you to save up enough money to break your lease? I suggest keeping enough distance between the two of you without tipping him off. Spend this time focusing on yourself and planning for the future you want. Spend time journaling, reading books, reading FDS handbook and blog posts. visiting with friends, going to the gym. Anything and everything that will add value to your life and at least (try to) momentarily distract you from your current situation. Remember it’s just temporary. I do not recommend being intimate with him - try your hardest to avoid this. Women react to intimacy different than men whether we do it consciously or subconsciously. This can create an emotional connection, which is the opposite of what you want to do right now. I am sorry for everything you are going through but just know it will get better. Good luck with everything.
This guy definitely sounds toxic! Can you clarify the part about not wanting the last time you have sex be the last time? Also, did you confront him about being with the other girl? Have you read the FDS handbook?
Wow that must be a very difficult situation for you. I feel for you. I don't really have any advice other than to daily or regularly give yourself time to grieve the end of this relationship; write things down, acknowledge your feelings. Then try and distance yourself emotionally. Don't let the story replay over and over in your head or it will eat you up. I know you said that you have some loose ends to tie up before you leave but may I suggest if it feels as though it's too hard then have a plan B and bail as soon as you can to protect your mental health.