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Hi all,
This is 100% a vent and advice-seeking post, so I totally understand if you don't have the emotional bandwidth to read everything.
I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years. For context, we started dating when I was 19 and he was 23. We were both in college at the time (I was in my second year, and he was finishing his master's), and I had legitimately 0 previous dating experience.
We were together during my entire university experience, and our relationship is pretty healthy. He follows the basic standards of a HVM: being a reliable, compassionate human being with a decent job, no porn addiction, and fostering real hobbies and relationships in his life. He pampers me, listens to my concerns when something bothers me (and actually changes if there's something bothering me about his behavior), and wants to marry me in the near future.
On paper, I should be head-over-heels and so grateful to have struck gold on my very first try!
But in reality, I have a nagging feeling that I will absolutely resent him in the future if we do get married.
I am finally 23 myself: I finished my master's, have a nice job I love, and I'm on my way to becoming a functioning adult. And I simply could NEVER date a random 19 yo who practically just started college.
I'm not trying to imply that I was groomed, but at the same time, I never got to experience adulthood without it being strictly bound to our relationship. I feel like I need time to grow on my own, apart from any man, to actually become a realized adult. Is this a normal feeling?
Additionally, he is legitimately the only guy I've ever been on a date with. In my entire life. Somehow that seems like entirely too few data points to figure out what I want in a relationship.
I don't regret dating him for a second, as this relationship gave me acceptable standards and a better understanding as to what "healthy" feels like. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I see a future with him.
What's the FDS stance in a situation like this?
Possibly shallow extra info: many people in my life don't really think he's "the one" for me as he's "not in my league" in the looks department, and this bothers me a little sometimes, too.
I read that age gap and no matter how well he treats you I can't see a HVM pursuing a relationship with someone so young. Like for me that is an automatic disqualifier. He asked you bc he figured his changes would be better with a young woman who didn't know better- and he's treated you well, so he isn't a raging asshole- doesn't make him HV. You need to stretch your legs, flex your newly learned skills and learn how to take care of yourself by yourself - that is the only method of empowerment that is actually empowering- taking care of yourself by yourself. You learn what you're capable of, and how you like to do things, you get to learn what you want to be particular on and how you naturally want to live your life. Trust you aren't missing out on a man who will treat you well- that's the bare minimum. And you can find a guy you're genuinely into sexually who doesn't make you or your friends feel like you're settling for a dumpy looking man
Yes, it's a normal feeling, and you are entirely right that you NEED to experience adulthood on your own, regardless of what kind of man he is, which is relatively irrelevant for the purpose of this conversation.
Maybe I feel too strongly about this, but long term committed relationships are not meant for the young, especially young women.
It should be normalized that until you're like 25 your life is all about you building your foundation. Men can come and go at this stage as experiments but should never be the center of your life in any way shape or form, or they will stunt you.
I am a catastrophic example of what happens when you make your love life your priority in your 20s (or even earlier). I found myself at the age of 30 starting over and having to figure out my resources and my flaws from scratch. Talk about delayed adulthood.
I had missed so much in terms of self knowledge and discovery that I ended up putting walls around me in order to make sure I catched up.
But some things cannot be catched up, and the walls that come with the realization that you were scammed in your youth are also a problem, because rigid boundaries and fear of connecting are just as bad for healthy relationships than weak boundaries.
Sorry I don't want to seem like a doomer, life is a journey and is beautiful; unexpected things happen, including sometimes meeting the love of your life young, or having a second chance at building your life later.
But if you feel so clearly that you need to be on your own, there is no amount of HVM-ness that will make that go away. The potential LVM-ness could only be an aggravating factor. You both need and want to get to know who you are when you're not growing around a man and trust me that won't go away until you do it.
Besides, if this guy is your "meant to be", you'll find your way back to each other later in life. Otherwise you'll have all the time in the world to meet oceans of HVMs.
If you were totally into him, it wouldn't matter whether your friends thought he was at your level--you'd think he was the sexiest man alive. It's not shallow to realize a guy just doesn't do it for you.
Like @Tikitikitata , I have strong reservations about calling a guy a HVM just because he treats you decently, especially when we acknowledge the age gap. It sounds to me like you've outgrown him and that's totally okay and nothing to feel ashamed, guilty, or worried about. In fact, I'm a little shocked he hasn't already tried to lock you down with a ring, since he must know on some level that you're not in the same league and you're embarking on a new phase of truly independent adulthood. When/if you leave him, expect some desperate move like a hasty proposal or promise of one in the near future.
Regardless of whether he's the most amazing man in the world, your gut is telling you that he isn't the man for you. I will say that every single time I have ignored my instincts, I have lived to regret it--often disastrously. Do not discount the incredible power and value of your feminine intuition. It is there to protect you from harm, and it is always right.
The FDS stance is to always put your own needs, happiness, goals, and future first. This guy doesn't seem to figure into your future goals, so you need to do the thing that is kindest to both of you and cut him loose. It might seem impossibly frightening now, but it's your life and only you get to decide how you live it. Not wanting to hurt his feelings is not a good enough reason to stay.
I dated a guy who I wasn’t crazy about. In the end, he was a narcissist, cheating, manipulative, abusive sack of shit who damaged me. So even if you have no reason to dump a “nice guy” now, you might regret not having done it later.
You don't need an excuse to leave a relationship. "I'm just not feeling like continuing" is valid enough. Besides, 23 yo grad student dating a 19 yo kid is a little weird to me. At 30 such age difference doesn't really matter but 19 and 23 yo have a huge gap in maturity regardless of how well they treat each other. Don't feel bad about wanting to get out of this relationship. If your heart tells you to move on - move on! You are not obligated to commit even to the best man in the world and you are entitled to a freedom of breaking any relationship any time and fir any reason.
Cheryl Strayed writing as Dear Sugar has such an excellent perspective on the decision to leave an otherwise good man who you know deep down is no longer the right one for you. https://therumpus.net/2011/06/24/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/ “Wanting to Leave is Reason Enough.”
It sounds like you're well on your way to being a HVW, and one thing you haven't mastered yet is flourishing as a single woman without a relationship influencing your life. Do you think you would regret prioritizing independance over your relationship with this guy for a few years? You're still very young to be deciding on marriage. Believe me, we do a lot of growing up and learning about ourselves through our mid- to late-20s.
When I was 23 I was in a similar situation. Not nearly as successful as you are now, but going to school and in a long term relationship with a decent man.
I was extremely comftrable with him and we shared an easy going peaceful life, but there was no spark. I had felt the spark before him for other men - but never really with him. I thought that part of me had died (it hadn't) I stayed for years longer than I should have, and at 26 I woke up one morning and knew it was time to leave the relationship.
If you're asking these questions on this forum I think you already know your own answer. You come off as very intelligent, and have a lot going for you. I think you owe it to yourself to experience all that life has to offer, and sometimes it's easier and more freeing to go it alone. When I was in the above mentioned relationship I was so content with mediocrity, and I think I missed out on a lot because of it.
Same condition I had faced at 23. In my case, I felt I could do better as there was a specific indicator that he'd call me 'bro'. It weirded me out all the time, and like my comment elsewhere I chose to breakup with him over this issue. Last year, he moved countries to be with me but if there was a real connection, then why would we wait for another 4+ years for this move? So, yes, I was crazy mad at myself for being that kind of girl, but those 4 years saw me achieve so many things. I have not thought of this guy in a long time. I am pretty sure in his circles I am the 'bitch' that leaves. But I am now able to travel as per I want and live life in my own terms. As an example, my husband just last Saturday came to pick me up (I didn't even have to tell him once) at 3:15 ish in the morning. So, maybe I lost my 23 yo HVM, but he was just that, yet another 23 yo guy.