WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
💞GUIDE TO SEX FOR VIRGINS FROM A EX-VIRGIN 💞
3 month's wait before sex. Yea I know. But it's worth it, vetting is no joke.
💞 What's a good partner?
Someone that cares about your comfort, pleasure and wants the best for you at all times. It should be demonstrated during sensual (cuddles, handholding, kissing), sexual and non-sexual times.
Someone that doesn't forces your decisions, doesn't tries to manipulate you until he gets what he wants, that respects your 'no'. Per example, if he proposes you to go at his house but you don't feel comfortable and say no, he'll leave at it and propose comfortable alternatives. There's no guilt-inducing comments ("but I wanted us to have some fun, I wanted us to have some good time") nor games. No confusion, no doubt.
Someone that you don't feel ashamed to be with. You're happy to be with this person.
Someone that respects you as a person (and other people too!). No negs ("maybe if you lost 30 pounds you'll be beautiful"), no lying, no gaslight ("I never did X, why are you thinking that of me?" but he clearly did X).
Someone that agrees to use the condom (ALWAYS ALWAYS use a condom with your partners!)
If your potential sex partner isn't the right one in fact, never go ahead to get rid of your virginity, it isn't worth it. You want someone you fully feel confident to be with because you're gonna be exposed in your most vulnerable state.
💞 What's the right context to have sex?
Somewhere you KNOW you won't be bothered. At his house where his family is always around? Noooooooo!! You want somewhere quiet, calm, where you can fully relax down (this is KEY to sexual pleasure, I SWEAR). If you feel it's not right, refuse.
Somewhere that is CLEAN. Straightened nasty sheets isn't clean. A bed full of dog hair? Nasty. A pigsty where it smells BAD and you can see mold? Ekkkk no!! CLEAN = clean sheets, no nasty smells, the environment is enjoyable to be in. Brownie points if this man did Konmari to the end. If ever the place you man invites you to sex is nasty, you have all my benedictions to gtfo. A queen expects the best for her.
You meet a situation that isn't covered here? Go by your gut FIRST, and if your gut says it's a bad situation, act on your gut. Your instincts aren't to be ignored.
💞 Stuff to tell him to gauge him
"Did you get tested recently? Could I see the tests?"
If he shows you his tests (not from 1 year ago, the more recent the better), that's a green flag. If he is enthusiastic about getting tested, that's good too, but require them BEFORE any sex. If he negotiates ("If we do the condom it's not that important" bruh your health is at risk if ever the condom pops) or avoids the subject, thats a RED FLAG. Runnnnn! You don't know what diseases his dick carries!
"I don't want to do X and Y."
If he understands and accepts that you don't wanna do X and Y, WITHOUT guilt-inducing comments, green flag. If he refuses or try to negotiate your BOUNDARIES (BTW those are valid, NO UNCOMFORT.), RED FLAMING FLAG!
💞 The actual sex
So you decided he's the right one? The environment is right? You're feeling cozy and comfortable and are looking to go forward? Amazing!
It can be either done in all one go or you can do X thing one day, Y thing the other day, to your comfort. My personal recommendation is to do it progressively, to keep both parties teased and interested with what's coming. It can take weeks, months even years. Take your sweet time.
He should be asking questions to you and make sure you're comfortable at all times. Consent is SEXY. It can be questions about his technique, how you feel, etc. If you don't know how to do X thing, ask him, or ask if it's okay etc. Sex is like a tango, it takes two to dance.
You can use kisses and light cuddles (hand holding, hand to the waist, arm or shoulder) to gauge how you work together. If you dislike how he kisses, or you can't bear when he's touching you, abort. It's gonna be shit even if you grind your teeth. ABORT.
Foreplay is KEY. Foreplay is basically preparing everyone (esp you, the lady) to have sex. You can ABSOLUTELY stop there, and not do the penetration.
Foreplay includes kissing sensually (it's not only just some pecks, it's your gool old French kissing, or English kissing), him and you touching each other with your hand or body, touching mostly the erogenous zones (google it to have a map!). It can be done clothed first (well, for the first time it's more comforting! Yall can undress later). I may sound like a broken record.. Abort or say you don't want him to do X after doing it (abort if he refuses or whines). You can also do clothed sex which is basically stimulating sex but keeping your clothes on. That might sound silly but it can be actually pleasurable and you're being teased and getting excited.
Then, when you wanna go forward, you can do more olala stuff like fingering (he uses 1-2 fingers to rub softly your clitoris and vulva or to penetrate inside with one or two fingers to your g-spot, fingers curved towards your belly).
It's the man's responsibility to buy and test and pratice putting on condoms. To put on the condom there's several videos demonstrating on to slip on a condom (On Youtube). Never open the package with your teeth or scissors, and check the expiration date before using it. Fresh condoms won't break as easily as old ones. You can blow (with air) the condom to see which way it goes. If it doesnt goes down the dick as easily, it's the wrong way. CHECK IF YOU HAVE A LATEX ALLERGY. It's more common than you think! ALSO BRING YOUR OWN CONDOMS, IN CASE, and don't let him know.
If you man is young, he'll def be erect and rockhard. If it isn't the case, it's often attributed to nervousness, esp the first few times. One solution I've found is to ask him to kiss me. "I don't give a fuck about your dick, kiss me NOW" or you can go forward to him. You can also go back to foreplay. If he's being a downer about it even if you apply the solutions, eugh, that's a bad thing ok. He's being hyper-focused on himself and isn't caring about you. The dick isn't the center of the sex and it isn't all about the dick.
If the dick softens up mid-penetration, no biggie, go kiss/step back to foreplay. The more he's focused on his dick the more it's gonna be soft. It can also be a symptom of the condom being uncomfortable (the fit is wrong, pick bigger/smaller)
Vibrators and dildos are definitively intimidating esp for a first timer, and I don't recommend them for the first times. They can be played later on, there's no hurry. One thing at a time!
He asks that you wear costumes or do some porn moves (moves that are awkward and don't make sense)? He's being pornsick, 99% of times. ABORT. You're not sure how a pornsick man acts like? Check out the "PORN SICK" tag in the FDS subreddit. If he watches porn meanwhile, oh sis, that's such a big asshole move ok. You're there, you're a ACTUAL WOMAN RIGHT THERE, and he's more interested in pixels? BYE.
He can give you compliments, or say comments about how you're beautiful or that you're sexy. There shouldn't be compliments that make you go "Hmmm idk how to feel about this". If it happens, dumbfox him. "What did you mean by that?"
If he says you're not tight enough, that's a sign of his excessive matsurbation. Men can matsurbate with a grip so hard it desensitizes the dick. It's a common problem, but not yours to solve. Bring it up that it's a HIM problem, not a YOU problem.
You're supposed to be excited before penetration, alias wet and desiring penetration. Nervousness can stop you from being wet, so go a step back and enjoy. Don't rush things because PIV in a dry vagina is unenjoyable. During intercourse, if it dries off, use a condom-safe lube to help things up, especially with a condom.
Cowgirl position allows you to control how the dick penetrates you, so it's esp useful for the very first penetration. You can control at which speed it goes in, how far, and it's easy to abort. Missionary and doggy positions are fun to do later on (Google those, if you're unsure how to do those positions) Experiment with where the arms and legs go (inside, outside, below, above, gripping, laying on softly, etc etc)
You should stretch the hymen beforehand with your fingers, over the course of several days to weeks. It's not supposed to "pop" and bleed, and the first time is supposed to be uncomfortable NOT painful (it later on becomes more comfortable.). Any man saying he prefers you to bleed is to be FLUSHED. Any man fetichizing about your virginity (aka talks all the time about it etc) is to be TRASHED.
If you're unable to do penetration, I suggest to do a gynecological exam. DO NOT FORCE THE PENETRATION. Penetration IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PAINFUL.
The dick WILL slip out OFTEN the first few times. It happens even to more experimented people. No big deal. Slip it back in and go.
Once he comes, make him retire from you, not stay inside (Risk of leaking) and make him remove then tie off the condom (Like you would a balloon). Do not flush the condom, in the trash it goes.
You can use UNSCENTED BABY WIPES to wipe off all the wetness and other residues. They're better than kleenex and are softer on the skin than a towel/rag. If ever you have cum in your hair (or anywhere), SHOWER WITH COLD WATER. If you shower with hot water it's gonna cook like eggs. Yep.
YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TO PEE!!! That's how you prevent bacteria from going up your bladder and cause UTIs. UTIs SUCK.
Then... it's cuddle time! You can cuddle with him for a few times, maybe pick a lil nap, talk about stuff, etc. It's cooldown time. Ride this amazing hormone wave sis! If he's going away suddenly, or that he's acting totally un-cuddly, it's a red flag. Analyze his actions, the post-sex behavior shows (at least partially) how he is.
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