Handbook Posts: Detaching From the F*ckboy You Slept with: Overriding Oxytocin

WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.

Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.

So I've realized one of our biggest downfalls dating as women, is we often tend to feel more bonded to the male after sex (if its good &there's chemistry)... whilst some men just seem to be able to take it for what it is and appear less attached... and this is not great news if the man turns out to be a player.

This often leads to us feeling frustrated as hell, still attracted to him and wanting to bond... even when the BIG RED FLAGS are flashing in front of us, even when you know you're not compatible in multiple departments anyway and it is probably going to lead to heartbreak.

It can lead to us wasting months, maybe even years, spent back and forth with a guy that is not good for you, which also keeps you in a scarcity mindset ignoring any other potential better options.

Ofc this benefits the player if he is doing this to several women, because they're all focused on trying to tie him down, knocking back other options, so he has the upper hand. It means he gets loyalty and attention from these women scrambling to be his whilst putting in minimum commitment effort.

He is essentially, spoilt for choice... and you will be left dangling until he feels like dropping/upgrading you.

This is a state of submission most women have found themselves in at some point & can really knock your esteem, even if you are better caliber then him (fuckboys are often not top tier men after all). But it still doesn't seem to make any logical sense WHY you want to keep self sabotaging like this...or why you still feel hung up over him emotionally, knowing this is the reality of who he is.

Well folks, there is SOMETHING we can do about that, but it takes training, discipline and self awareness of how your biology tries to dupe you into settling for a mate. Once you start breaking down the process of what is going on and why, regardless of the male, it is FAR easier to detach from the player that duped you. You will understand why women seem to be more susceptible to this.

Besides many men being trash and the collective psyche of men being influenced by patriarchal values they cling to tightly, the biological aspect of this 'f*ckboy bond' imo has a lot to do with women having higher levels of Oxytocin than men, which is also known as 'the love hormone' because levels of this hormone increase during hugging and orgasm.

Oxytocin according to Medical News Today:

So we can quickly see why we might start craving that once we receive more....especially if we are lonely/ going through mental health stuff.

Ofc I don't even need to explain to you why women are generally pickier about finding a mate and why they feel more pressure to find the right partner IF they want a child by a certain age. This also feeds into our tendency to settle/cling too.

Now one reason for women attaching to f*ckboys quicker after sex, besides personal issues & societal pressures, may well be because women have higher levels of this hormone already, so when we finally sleep with the attractive player or do it often, this may send our hormone levels into overdrive, making this manchild seem 'addictive' to us. If you suffer depression/anxiety, this may be even more so the case because this person feels 'relieving' to you.

And if you are not strong willed/experienced...you will cave... especially if you don't stumble across many men you feel attraction to (which I sympathize with, I don't want to rip the clothes off 90% of men I pass in the street).

If you have suffered with on/off depression for years this may well play a part in why you find it difficult to endure longer periods of no sex, and why this works against you when it comes to f boys.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you are relying on these sexual encounters with the player as a form of Oxytocin to relieve sadness.

If you are going through anxiety/depression you may also be more prone to impulsive decisions that aren't good for you.

Get in therapy and work on your codependency, when you no longer feel you 'need' someone to feel fulfilled, your head will be more clear, your boundaries will be firmer, and thus your standards for what you tolerate will be stronger.

The trouble is, this hormone can often mislead us, and keep a chokehold on us, our freedom and our self respect. We will keep going round in a circle, remaining in contact with immature/draining/disrespectful/baggage ridden men we have feelings for... and keep allowing them access to our bodies/time/energy, so there's no incentive for them to play nice... they are betting you will cave and come back.

By leaving them high & dry, completely cutting them off... you are sending a strong message & upholding your self respect as well as refusing to put yourself in a submissive position.

If all the women on their roster did this, they'd be forced to reconfigure their egotism.

Besides, they are not your 'one' if they're acting this way, being disrespectful blowing hot and cold to confuse you- once you have experienced a mature man that really does love you with no ambiguity, you will understand this better as you will be able to see the stark differences.

This may not have happened yet, but don't worry, if you stick to your values, it will. No matter how much you want their charming lies to be true, we cannot force a manchild to mature, change or let go of his need for validation from Tinder girls, the F boy has simply engaged in enough subtle mind games to deliberately trick you into warming to his false self. Its deception.

What you have to say to yourself, next time you get tempted to send that player a message, or you get the horn and are craving some rendezvous with an underserving disrespectful rag of a man, is tell yourself:

'THIS IS JUST OXYTOCIN. JUST A BUNCH OF FUCKING CHEMICALS'. Keep repeating this to yourself so its fresh in your mind.

Ofc you need to work on boundaries, loving yourself etc too so you recognize patterns of behavior. But even women who HAVE worked on this like myself (i'm no idiot), can still find themselves a slave to oxytocin levels after sex & be tempted to run back to the underserving attractive fuckboy due to sexual frustration & having an existing bond /experience with this man (easier than going back on the search & being disappointed).

You have to put your MIND & BOUNDARIES above the BODY's superficial cravings.

Because that's what it is, this guy has shown you he doesn't respect you and you're still letting him enter you & rewarding him. This is feeding his ego, and chipping away at YOUR esteem and he is most likely doing it to 4 other women.

The more and more you attempt to have casual 'no strings' sex, with f boys you clearly caught a vibe for when they didn't reciprocate it...the less likely you are to let go of them... bc you will keep bonding yourself to this man.

Each time you will be disappointed, when you see that smirk, that text notification from another girl. You have to rip the plaster off. You are contributing to the dynamic by not closing the door- you decide who you give access to. This is what builds a strong woman that gets what they deserve.

This is no hard feat, and I'm not an expert at this myself. But since I started becoming MORE aware of this happening and why as a feminist I would be tempted to keep getting physical with an F boy, despite my values, I am much quicker to detach completely, than I used to.

I understand this is a false hormonal biological bond and is not of the enduring loving kind & that my body does not particularly care for the character of this person, it just knows its getting oxytocin and feels good.

The more I go back for more of this, the more I am securing my chains to someone who is evidently bad for me & preventing myself from moving on. Players are never getting deep under my skin now... obviously it can take a few months to realize they're an asshole (sometimes a matter of minutes).

But lets just say I am not getting deeply attached long-term to these idiots, which feels liberating, like a lucky escape at least. The truth is we can't stop F boys from tricking us sometimes, we are not mind readers, but we CAN control how we respond once we receive the knowledge they get a kick out of stringing us nowhere good.

Hope this helps with any women out there struggling to detach from an F boy & feeling like they are stupid for still feeling attached x

Also please remember to not let men ejaculate inside you unless they have a condominium on

​

FURTHER READING ON THE EFFECTS OF SEMEN ON WOMENS PSYCHOLOGY AND HOW SHITTY WORTHLESS MEN KEEP WOMEN PHYSICALLY ENSLAVED BY A CONCOCTION OF CHEMICALS RELEASED DURING SEX RIGHT HERE:

Semen: Men’s Chemical War Against Women. Part I: Male Chemical Munitions: what semen does to females.

Semen: Men’s Chemical War Against Women. No-Skip Intro.

Semen: Men’s Chemical War Against Women. Part II: Shit’s Lethal: what happens to females prevented from evolving resistance to semen.

The handbook posts project.

Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.