WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
JEALOUSY: The thread. Real life examples so we can get a better look at the different ways it manifests
Following on from a comment thread in the weekly discussion post, I thought it would be a good idea to start a post where we give examples of jealousy in LVM. In my experience I have quite a blinkered view on what jealousy is and what it can look like, and it would be really good if we could list as many different examples as possible to show how varied manifestations of jealousy are. Then we can discuss common themes, whether someone else's example has triggered us to reevaluate an interaction we once had with someone, whether we think we would miss that example if it happened to us in real life, etc.
My ex, not liking that I was achieving a higher degree than him, would belittle it as "something to keep me occupied" and try placing himself in a teacher role. I took issue with both of these things at the time but didn't attribute it to jealousy, which with hindsight it was.
Another lvm would say that degrees are a waste of time and just a way for people to stay in the education system forever. I missed this at the time because he phrased it as a general comment and not explicitly aimed at me, even though the conversation was about me. He very much did not have a degree and fell into the job he had.
Unpleasant incidents/interactions before/after the thing he was jealous of took place - he didn't like that he had not been invited to a party with me. He offered to give me a lift and drove dangerously, then refused to come pick me up. I hadn't clicked any of this was related to each other and didn't give it much thought but he outright said it (as an 'apology' when I was drunk at home) later on, presumably because he was pissed off that him not giving me a lift home meant I got a lift from someone else, and I had a really good time in the car, and he needed me to understand that doing things like not inviting him to a party would typically mean I'd get punished in some way.
Sabotage - he would turn my alarm off because he did not want me going out and wanted to cause friction to destroy my work relationships and career (his was dead end because he was an asshole)
False news - me and a LVM were in the running for a promotion at work. I got it, he didn't. He tried telling me afterwards that the contract was really bad and I would lose money on it. I didn't humour him and told him he was wrong. He tried to wriggle out of it by saying it must have been changed since he looked at it.
Had a terrible relationship with his family while I have a great one with mine. He would tell me how I’m a little girl and immature because of how close I am to my family. Said I’ll never know how to be “ an adult” because my parents paid for my education and I didn’t have to work through school.
Asked to be my boyfriend and I said I’d like to date more. He said I’m too old to just be dating to date (25) and that I’m immature to not want to be exclusive with him.
Was told that I need to learn how to appreciate things instead of being ambitious and going after all the promotions.
Dated some high status men and he would tell me that all these men wanted were sex and that’s it. That wasn’t the case.
Literally sighed when I was assigned an assistant at work.
After returning from a business trip this NVM ex didn’t want me to go on because we were fighting (seriously, he wanted me to stay home and fix things with him - I would have gotten fired if I didn’t go), he literally said to me: “I think you need to learn to how to prioritize your husband and kids if you want to have a successful family life, over your career.”
My ex husband had an off-putting personality and had no friends. I got along with my work center and got invited out and over all the time, him included. He was very jealous and talked about how he didn't want to see these perfectly nice people and didn't want me seeing them. He wanted me at home miserable with him where he could yell at me and have me waiting on him hand and foot.
I had an ex sorta like that... I had to meet his friends and make an effort in his eyes but anything with my friends? "Aw I just don't like them, they're horrible people" or he'd say he felt ill at anything I invited him to but the one time I was throwing up and passing out and said I couldn't see his mother with him one time, he got all pissed off and accused me of hating her (I actually loved her and we still speak so lmao).
I was punished by my ex husband for every happy experience that didn’t involve him, usually a couple days or within a week of it happening, but he pretended he was angry about something else. I met my favorite artist and we had a very incredible conversation. The artist was very handsome and incredibly nice to me and the next day, my LVM started a fight over the fact that I got angry about being late to an event and made me pay for sharing a happy moment with my favorite artist. This is the one thing that comes to my mind but basically, if you see a pattern of your SO making a stink over something weird within a few days of you experiencing happiness, please just walk away from them. A real loving person wouldn’t make you pay for being happy.
My abusive narcissist ex said I was spoiled because my family loves me and treated me well.
Had a guy I was seeing tell me that it would be hard for me to find “good men” as I progressed in my career, and that I should slow down my ambition because men don’t want to feel as if they’re competing with their spouses. I said “I compete with no one but myself. If you’re insecure, that’s your problem.” Bye loser
My ex rubbished my academic achievements too. When I was writing my undergraduate dissertation, my ex read it and told me it's "shit". When I graduated with an excellent grade, he told me "anyone can do that, you're nothing special". And on my graduation day, he went out of his way to ruin it for me by complaining about having to meet my family and driving recklessly on the way home. When I told him to stop, he threatened to leave me a the side of the road. Finally, when I decided to go back to school for my master's, he said I was "selfish". For his own degree, he scraped a pass from a C-grade university. I broke up with him during my master's year, finished my degree and I own a business now.
All my former partners have been jealous of my intelligence and education. It's especially offensive when you consider the fact that they are all upper middle class white guys who absolutely could have got a good education if they could be bothered, but no, they pissed their privilege away on drugs. And despite their lack of education they still earn more than me, and have parental support too. I worked my ass off during uni at part time jobs because my family has absolutely no money. I had no safety net. I did not get admired for my strength by my partners, instead I got constantly "taken down a peg" and made to look stupid in public so they could feel superior. One of my exes did this so frequently that I actually started to believe I was a total moron. It was only after I dumped him that I snapped out of it and started to have confidence in myself again.
The same ex started to get insanely jealous and angry at me over a male friend I'd had for years. Why did he start to act like this and accuse me of "emotionally cheating" so suddenly, you ask? I found out much later, after I dumped him, that it was because he had eyes for one of MY friends, and he started dating her very quickly after I dumped him. For all I know they were fooling around behind my back for ages. I don't really care either way but wow, talk about a classic case of projection. PS, she dumped him after about six months and absolutely eviscerated him on Twitter. He then moved to the other side of the country, lol.
Same ex again always tried to isolate me from my friends by being a generally depressive sad sack and saying he needed me to stay home with him. While he played goddamn video games. And I missed out on my closest friends' birthdays and fell out of touch with others. I was an idiot and he knew how to manipulate the empath in me.
LVM "friend" of mine, who had played with my heart for years, always tried to be my only object of affection - when it suited him. Whenever he was single and I was in a relationship he always wanted to know everything about who I was dating. There was definitely an element of jealousy he was trying to hide. When I broke up with the aforementioned shitty ex he slid into my DMs pretty quickly. I think he was very confused about his feelings for me but ultimately he's a loser LVM who can't get his shit together, so I ditched him. When I think about everything that went down in this context I see he was actually pretty possessive but often in a weird, detached way. Glad I gave him the flick.
Receiving belittling comments when achieving something he faltered or failed at. I was either cheating, seducing superiors or incredibly lucky.
Being repeatedly informed that my ambition was unappealing. Men don't like engineers or educated women so why am I bothering?
Having any pride in my appearance or outfits. This meant I was either vain or seeking attention from other men, like catcallers.
Insisting I was spoilt when I revealed I had savings from working two jobs simultaneously. No, I just didn't piss my income away on takeout, energy drinks and video games.
Ex bf claimed that college wasn’t for him etc. yet one day lashed out in jealousy that I was attending college and not him. He blamed it on me being white and spoiled and having the money to, but I was pulling my own loans and paying for my own apartment and everything by working my ass off. I understand that the accumulation of wealth in white families makes it easier to be a 2nd/3rd gen college student but he was SO stupid that I don’t think he could’ve even explained why he thought what he thought you know. He was always living in the past because he was popular and peaked in high school but then had no direction even though his mom said she’d help him pay for college ironically...
When I broke things off with my ex last year, he told me I was crazy to leave someone who was “so devoted” to me (he wasn’t), treated me as well as he did (he didn’t) and that “women my age” (mid 30s) tend to “really struggle with dating”. lol. Dating has been better than ever since I left him, I’ve actually never received more interest ever in my life. 💅 Never let some guy convince you you’re not going to find better than them. They are projecting.
Not acknowledging the fact that I randomly sat down and played a flawless Beethoven sonata that I have spent years learning when you had no idea that I played piano in the first place but rather acting like we got to go somewhere and are gonna be late so I better stop playing that Beethoven Sonata that I spent years learning while waiting for you to put on your tennis shoes because it’s time for the gym and we’re gonna be late even though we don’t need an appointment to go to the gym and could just show up whenever the fuck we would like. Now that’s a deal breaker. I use the piano as a test. I don’t tell dudes I play piano and if I happen upon one I will play something and If they don’t go “Wöw that’s really impressive” or at least a “I didn’t know you played piano, wow !!” because I am talented and it IS SO IMPRESSIVE THANKS I JUST SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE LEARNING THIS then they are probably a narcissist.
Had a NVM ex who used to make me to pay for everything (I was young, naive, and a pickme) - my rent, his rent, dinner if I wanted to go out - all because he made a fraction of what I did when we graduated and because I got him his job. Then repeatedly told me my job was a joke / I was letting them take too much of my time, my hard skills were apparently debatable, and that I was “crazy” for being upset over this financial arrangement. He came from a family that had no concept of saving, so he was idiotic with his money, whereas I was able to pay off my loans (and apparently his bills too?) just by being smart. Trashcan men were left behind in 2013.
I got access to an NFL suite through work to entertain clients. I was fairly junior so the spots were hard to get. I made the mistake of excitedly telling my ex. Like someone else mentioned, I can still picture it so clearly. His whole mood darkened and the weekend was basically ruined. When pressed to tALK aBouT iT he said it was because he would have to watch our kids during the game. They are both over the age of 8 and literally the easiest kids in the world. Plus it was three months before the event, not a last-minute surprise. I thought it was about control but reading this thread made me realize it was straight up jealousy!
My NVM used to tell me that I only got to where I am because of privilege...I didn’t graduate college until I was 31, as a single mother who worked full time. Anytime I got a promotion or a raise it was rubbed in my face that it’s only because I’m a “privileged white female”, not because I’m a hard working college graduate. Not to mention I was only the second in my entire family (both sides) to graduate college, the first being my dad who did it in his forties also while working full time.
When I did graduate, he always put down my degree, said it was from a fake school since it was a Christian college, and said the field I studied is fake/made up/pseudoscience. I remember one day when he had me in tears. I had just graduated and he wanted me to explain everything possible about my field. I guess I didn’t explain it to his liking because he ripped into me about how stupid it was and how he has a masters degree (in something completely unrelated) and that means he knows more about my own field than I do.
One broke my glasses, took my phone, and threatened me with homelessness if I didn't marry him.
Wouldn't allow me to get glasses until the end of the marriage when he was done with me anyway, so I spent 4 years trapped inside. I have extremely low vision without glasses, so I can't safely go outside or do very much without assistance.
Prevented me from getting jobs, refused to let me have any amount of money, and sabotaged my attempts to create a bank account.
Wouldn't let me go to college or get any kind of job training.
Would not teach me how to drive for years until he decided he was done with me. Then he made the process of learning so miserable that I stopped asking. He'd scream and swear at me, grab at the wheel, try to make me go 60 mph in a tiny parking lot with other moving cars, etc. He also refused to let me get a bus pass and obviously since I had no money, I couldn't use Uber or Lyft or anything.
Would call my aspirations and determination "cute".
Didn't take my goals seriously.
My achievements would go unrecognized or ignored in favor of theirs.
I've been insulted for having practical life skills. Specifically the phrase was "You're not the prettiest or smartest or most talented or accomplished girlfriend I've ever had, but you're useful."
I've been discouraged from going to college by men and pickmes alike.
I've been negged for my intelligence.
I've been cheated on and disrespected and such because I wasn't reliant on my partner. Basically the justification given was that I didn't make him feel needed even though my life was a wreck so he cheated with women who did need him? Basically I interpreted that as "your self-esteem is too high and that makes me uncomfortable."
I've also been cheated on and disrespected and abused for demanding my partner pull his weight in the relationship.
Claimed I made a killing from my artwork that it wasn’t fair for him; somehow creating pieces was compared to the unfair grunt work he did. You know, instead of just complimenting me on having skills he’s gotta make me look less than him.
This one is for the books: so... handsome dude at work recommended a church to go to, he has a fiancé, and cooks for her and they watch (my favorite tv show) together. Well, because I text my friend (while I’m dating my bf) that this guy is cute- meaning to try to set her up with someone top notch like this guy, things get weird. Days pass and the bf is acting cold and not wanting to talk. We’re on our way to dinner while I say how said guy at work- who is engaged- cooks for his gf all the time and that I wouldn’t mind if he cooked for me again (he literally only cooked once for me). The next day I was hanging out with his Mom and he comes to visit but doesn’t want to hang out with me, go figure. He subtly brings up a girl from his high school he found on Facebook and asks his Mom, ‘oh, she’s cute isn’t she?’ And I kinda think hmm, Ok, random but cute be cute so who cares. Then he drops the bomb that he doesn’t love me anymore and is downright rude to me. I honestly believe that this LVM was jealous because I called another male cute. I even call my brothers cute.
One of my exs was a 'car guy' who never stfu about how good a driver he was and constantly called my car shit (it's my deceased mothers car I inherited too).
Also I started experimenting with fake nails and he got all sulky and said 'what if I don't like them?' and bs like that if I had them done...
Telling you your outfit is going to attract male attention (one time I was wearing a high cut t shirt and jeans and apparently this was "bait"
My ex always belittled my family’s home. He later admitted that he did this because he was bitter that my grandparents acquired a house and land despite having little resources.
(Not boyfriend) Invited himself to my plans because a) he was obsessed and b) he wanted to prevent me from talking with other guys
(Not boyfriend) He cockblocked me when a guy and I started talking at a party and it was obvious there was some attraction there. So he started monopolizing the conversation and he lied/misrepresented things about me to make me look bad. In general just being annoying and not self-aware.
(Not boyfriend) Asked about guys I mentioned that I found attractive. Asked what traits I found attractive so he could imitate them or act depressed around me.
(Not boyfriend) I made the mistake of saying I liked attractive guys of his nationality. Except he only heard the nationality part, and presented me with some guy with his physique asking if I found him sexy. I just repeated that no, attractive > nationality.
My ex was jealous whenever I talked to other guys and it took me a while to realize that jealousy was the reason for his awful moods. We could be at a bar and I see a coworker I’m close with or a good guy friend, and my ex would turn sour for the entire night. One time I invited a friend to sit with us and my ex was bitter to the dudes face. It was embarrassing.
Pulling the plug on the goals they had because you nurtured them while they pursued it. It's like they go into freak out mode and turn the sabotage on themselves, they can't handle a perfectly good goal being overshadowed by your successes so now it's like well you're going to get the credit for making my dreams come true, nuke.
Became irritated when I would mention a friend of mine who I hang out with regularly.
Annoyed when I would "talk too much" about my passions that didn't involve him.
Stopped listening to me in the middle of a conversation and became paranoid because a man across the street looked at me.
Mocked me for my love of coaching young athletes and finding it so fulfilling. He's was sarcastically like, "Yeah. I've heard. You talk about it. A lot." (Said the guy who claimed he's looking for someone who would be a good mother to his future kids. LOL)
Saw some old pictures of me with my ex-boyfriend from college and his demeanor suddenly changed and he started putting me down for all kinds of random/little things.
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.