WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
We talk a lot about “value” here. Do you actually value yourself?
When I started reading FDS posts, I did not. I was humiliated because I felt like I was no longer the strong, smart woman I had always wanted to be. My self-esteem was in the toilet, I had loads of childhood trauma and I was used to letting everyone, platonic or romantic, walk all over me. And I was only reading dating forums because I was, though I didn’t want to admit it, desperate for validation from a relationship.
But what I’ve realized is that this forum, at least to me, is not actually about dating at its core. It’s about loving yourself enough to allow the love and respect you deserve into your life. Here are some things I’ve learned from this forum and also just from my own self-discovery and growth over the past few months. I hope this helps someone who was where I was. I love you ladies and I’m so grateful for this forum.
1) Appreciate the freedom that comes with simply not caring until someone makes it worth your time.
It’s YOUR life and anyone you date is just a welcome guest. And by not caring, I don’t mean being emotionally unavailable or needlessly rude. I mean respecting yourself enough to not reserve space in your life for stress over someone who is simply not worth it. Independence and self-respect is innate for some, but you can also teach them to yourself. You can change your behavior and embrace how wonderful it is to love yourself enough to and have the strength to eliminate people from your life who cause you pain, stress and unease. They’re not worth it. But you are!
2) Be the best version of yourself for YOU, and allow the men in your life to rise to YOUR standards.
This is something I hear discussed in this forum but I still see so many women falling into the same patterns of waiting around for their bf to be available or only wanting to improve themselves because of a man. NO. It doesn’t matter if you’re by yourself reading a book or grocery shopping or doing your nails or out with girlfriends. If he calls and you are busy, YOU ARE BUSY. If it’s you time, IT’S YOU TIME. This is not a mind game, it is simply making time for you do to the things that make you feel whole, intelligent and happy with who you are.
3) Don’t let yourself be devastated anymore by disappointing behavior from a LVM.
Much easier said than done ... but so freeing when you get there. If they don’t call, if they don’t treat you like a queen, if they expect you to be at their beck and call — it’s over for them! No tears, no second chances. No making excuses to your friends or covering for behavior. You move on and you are happier and better for it. As someone who was single for most of 21 years (I am 22), I can say from experience that I was MUCH HAPPIER alone and doing my own thing than when I was putting up with some LVM’s ridiculous, childish behavior.
4) Don’t let your friends or family tell you that you are too picky or mean.
Expecting respect, love and special treatment from your SO or anyone you’re dating for that matter is not high maintenance or being a “bitch.” You deserve it. No, you really do. It doesn’t matter if Aunt Marg thinks you should have settled down with Mark from work. It doesn’t matter that your best friend things it’s mean of you to say no to hanging out with your boyfriend because you don’t feel like it today. It is YOUR LIFE. No one gets to tell you what to do or how high your standards should be.
5) Women are truly incredible creatures.
We are so resilient, kind, caring, intelligent and capable. And unfortunately, one reason we end up in shitty relationships is often because people take advantage of our good traits. And we have been taught to be quiet, obey and not expect anything in return. Fuck that. Look in the mirror and remember who you are. No one person can ever take your value away from you and you should never give anyone something from you that they do not deserve.
So grateful to be a part of this community — keep rising, ladies! ✨
The handbook posts project.
Anyone who wants to contribute to this project, please puts [Handbook Posts:] in their title so there's a distinction. Also tag @SayNad so that I can find them.