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I swear I noticed about a freaking DECADE ago that I say "Sorry" all the time, way way too much. Yet STILL, STILL!!! I struggle with re-training my brain to say it less! What the heck is this, ladies?! Why is it so hard to stop doing? I notice it so much in other women too. It breaks my heart that women are trained to apologize for simply existing.
Here is a quote that I recall a lot when I'm still trying to get rid of this awful habit:
You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you.
If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it.
Has anyone here had any luck in ridding themselves of this entirely? And what were your methods?
I'm Canadian. Welp.
I seem to say "sorry" more lately. I need to work on this.
I stopped saying sorry so much in my level up journey. I only say it when absolutely necessary. Like if I bump into someone and it’s my fault. i used to say sorry all the time but now i don’t have time for it. I went to work for a place for a few days to help out and literally every person said sorry for everything. I didn’t. I got much more respect than I would have if I had been saying sorry. I don’t move out of the way for men any more and they literally bump into me.
Its all about realizing you are allowed to have space in this world. Don’t apologize for your existence. You are a gift and there is no way you should be apologizing to someone for just asking a simple question.
Im probably 50/50 now. I say ‘pardon me’ when I need to get by someone now. So step up? :P
Okay, funnily enough, I have never felt inclined to apologise in conversation, put smiley faces in the emails, smile/laugh a lot when speaking to someone- my nature is to be direct, more like a typical man is expected/allowed to be (without the lack of empathy lol).
HOWEVER, as I have gained more life experience, I sometimes do purposefully use this type of communication, especially with customers to my business or with strangers. I have noticed people respond to you better as a woman if you have this communication style, vs. if you have a direct style. This is clearly totally gendered, because for men it doesn't matter. But this is the world we live in.
So I guess I have two points here: first, that you are trained to communicate in this way through the socialisation you have experienced growing up- it is not innate to you, so do not feel guilty/ashamed about it.
Secondly, although it's good to separate this behaviour from your own personality and not FEEL as if you need to apologise, because you have as much right as anyone else to express yourself- it can be helpful in this social system to perform this to an extent as an example of femininity. A way of outwardly conforming to the patriarchy in order to get ahead.
Bearing in mind this is definitely not advice for dating or friendship, more in your career, in networking, and with acquaintances. You will experience more pushback if you are as direct as a man, believe me I know! I aim to get to the point where I am successful enough to not need to do this anymore.
funnily enough, it was my brother who suggested that i stop apologizing even in situations where i "should" be polite. where i live, we're technically minority POC and i noticed that the majority race rarely apologized when they "should", so i too stopped.
in more delicate social situations, i replace sorry with statements that begin with "thank you". gratitude doesn't take much out of me and i normalized saying it in a previous job so i began doing it as a habit. e.g. being late and saying "thank you for waiting" instead of "so sorry i'm late".
You might be part Canadian. There's a actually a law where if you say sorry in a car accident, it can't be held against you in Canada.
There was a tip floating around out there where you replace sorry with thank you.
Sorry for being late = thanks for waiting for me
Sorry if I'm rambling = thanks for listening to me
Men don’t say sorry even when they should. I literally have started telling other women don’t be sorry.
I started in writing, if that helps. I would backspace and replace it with thank you or nothing at all. It helped to get used to it that way. I don’t think I reflexively apologize anymore but that mostly came with time and genuinely NOT being sorry at all. I didn’t have much luck until it was genuine. (Not sorry)—> wish I had better advice for you. I’m following for good tips myself bc my amazing ten year old practically has apology Tourette’s. (Not sorry)—> hopefully that’s not ableist, she will apologize for apologizing then apologize for that and say sorry a bunch more after bc she can’t help it. I’m at a loss. Hope we find an answer!