How do I stop feeling sympathy for my abusive ex boyfriend?

You're not alone in this. Just about everything in the world is trying to push women towards having sympathy for men. Even when those men are dangerous. This is by design, to keep us serving them.

We've been conditioned into this from birth, so it's not easy to shake this conditioning.

Every time I'm reminded of how much men as a group don't recognize women as fully human, I lose more sympathy. I'm not doing anything more complicated than reading or listening to women's stories about their experiences with men. Plenty of that can be found all over the internet, or even just talking to other women in real life.

The same themes emerge over and over in women's stories. A guy try to trade occasionally doing some good things for a woman, for her to put up with absurdly dehumanizing BS from him.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it took time for me to deprogram from the conditioning. Even then, the feeling of sympathy is not all gone. Also, the world sure tries to make women feel like we're evil if we don't feel bad for shitty men! You're seeing through this crap now, you already sound wiser than I was when I was 23 😄

Start feeling sorry for yourself and the next woman he's going to abuse. Feeling sorry for men is the reason why women end up dead. Don't be a pickme, the only person who will never betray you is yourself, be good to yourself before you are good to males.

If you believe you absolutely MUST feel something positive about him, try gratitude for dropping the mask early and showing you what a scrote he was early on, gratitude to the universe for sending you this lesson so early in life. Internalize the lessons you've learned & use them to better identify audacious behavior in future scrotes/pick-mes/etc (and there WILL be many more scrotes that cross your path throughout your journey navigating this life as a woman!).

As far as still feeling emotionally connected to him, there's a visualization technique I use when I have to cut people out of my life (this works for scrotes/pick-mes/toxic family/toxic friends/etc) but still feel emotionally/spiritually/cosmically connected to them that I find quite effective.

When you are in a calm, centered state, imagine the cosmic thread connecting you to them. Visualize yourself literally 'cutting the cord' (with a knife, scissors, or whatever cutting implement pops into your mind) and as the connection is severed, I like to imagine that thread instantly igniting, like a fuse, burning away that connection into oblivion.

Gentle heads-up though, in my experience, these toxic actors (male or female) WILL absolutely feel this broken connection (even if only on an unconscious level that they're too dim-witted to comprehend) and may even be so bold as to attempt to reconnect (phone calls/texts/DMs/in-person 'drop-ins'/etc) with you. When this happens, simply set/maintain/enforce your boundaries, block & delete (on EVERYTHING: phone/text/email/social media/etc) the person & perform the visualization again. (I've had some incredibly aggressive toxic individuals reattempt to connect more than 6 times. I simply did the visualization however many times it takes to get them gone!)

As far as how to keep yourself occupied/distracted/entertained/etc, I cannot stress this enough: get OFFLINE: reconnect with FDS-aligned like-minded FEMALE friends/family in person, take a class (something entirely for fun, pottery, art, stained glass, dance, etc), join a sports team/activity (volleyball, pickleball, soccer, softball, fitness) or find literally ANY activity you enjoy that gets you out of your head and allows you to refocus your thoughts away from him and onto something positive, uplifting & life-affirming.

Clearly you're a very smart, capable, empowered woman as YOU (not anyone else) have wisely chosen to educate yourself and made the smart choice to persevere through all the challenges higher education requires.

You've got this, Queen.

I think we’ve all been there, especially at the age of 23. Many of the points you listed brought up memories of boys I felt attached to when I was younger.

I believe the solution is time, distraction with whatever keeps you busy, ambitious or entertained, and lots and lots of empathy for yourself. Keep that list that you made here and quickly extend it with every other icky feeling and degradation he made you endure. Those negative memories may fade over time so it will be effective to have them in written form once melancholy blues comes to haunt you at a later point.

“[…] but I know he has been abused in the past and that was what made him be like this.”

• How can you know? Did he tell you? Not a fan of discrediting lived experiences of victims but we’re dealing with an abusive man here.

• There are people who have been traumatised in unimaginable ways by another human and are capable of leading respectful, constructive and affectionate relationships. There are also people who have had a perfect childhood with two loving parents and a stable home and end up sadist serial rapists.

Every time you feel guilty for him, you give away the empathy that you yourself need and deserve and dislocate your energy to a place from where it cannot mobilise you to get out of this sad, icky and faded loathing.

Also, 6 months is nothing. It seems like so much right now, but there are so many people in this world you will get to meet and so many experiences you will have.

Please be kind to yourself.

Why Does He Do That - Lundy Barcroft

Realize that part of your sympathy for him is sympathy for yourself. Have you been in a difficult, heartless world too? Did you long for help? He has had every advantage, focus your sympathy on yourself.