Experimenting with Ellen Feins “All The Rules”.

Let me start by confessing I’d never seen or even heard of this book. I must have missed it when I went through the handbook on Reddit. I saw a timely post/comment from another member (sorry can’t remember the name) that talked about it. I downloaded on Friday and was done Saturday afternoon because I truly found it riveting. Growing up I had heard some of the same talking points, “don’t sleep with men too early etc” but the length and breath of the principles contained are spot on. Sure, sometimes it comes across as a little archaic but the fundamentals are FDS aligned and really smart.

I’d made this post about my scrotation since I started dating again after one year:

“I think I struggle with this in a way. While I’m easily repelled by hot:cold dynamics which is integral to trauma bonding, I’m also very very accustomed to being love bombed, and I’m uncertain to what extent it’s shaped my perspective on what early healthy interest looks like.

For example, I’ve currently been on three dates within the past three weeks. The first dates I’ve been on in a year. It’s been great to reset my mind and I really enjoyed the break. The first guy has some high value signals, he does not seem to be porn fried, he’s respectful, funny and attentive when we’re together. He seems keen on pleasing me. He’s scheduled activity type wholesome dates. I’ve been on two dates with him. After the first, a few days later he reached out on the app to say what a great time he had and check in. He also scheduled another date. He didn’t ask for my number. I’m not sure if it’s out of respect/restraint or he doesn’t want to signal seriousness or exclusivity.

Funny enough, on that particular day the date was scheduled, the app was down for a few hrs but we were able to still communicate in time for the date. I was annoyed by him not asking for my number as we would have simply been able to communicate better. I suggested it when the app was back up. He enthusiastically agreed we should exchange numbers and texted me, but not a good sign. During the second date we kissed. There’s great chemistry, he doesn’t seem immature, sex hungry and gross. He comes across as picky with his body and time which I like. He was once again respectful and hot lol. He apologized for not asking for my number earlier but it still gives me pause. I don’t want to chase.

He checked in during the week to say how great our date was and he was really happy we went out etc. I sent him some songs I’d promised to during our date after this he’s not initiated contact. I presume an interested man would check in more often and initiate

conversation to get to a deeper level?

Second guy is okay. Raised in a very Christian fundamentalist environment but has long lost his faith. We had sushi and great conversation, mostly funny and also intellectually leaning. He tried to signal ownership to other men I think by putting his arm around my waist which I was not comfortable with. (My attraction to males builds very slowly which I think is why the pace from first guy appeals to me.)

He commented on how beautiful I am multiple times which I guess isn’t a bad thing but he just gave a very sexual vibe.

I’m not as attracted to second guy but I’m wondering if I’m also dissatisfied with the first guy bc he’s not as enthusiastic and whirlwind as I’m used to. I’m fine with blocking and deleting both, but I want to be sure it’s for healthy reasons.”

And as I read on, I saw I had broken some rules in how I’ve handled First Guy. We kissed it was languorous and passionate, so I’m sure he knows I’m attracted to him. When he checked in during the week I proceeded to send him 6 different spotify links. Too eager. Maybe even a little overwhelming I think. And sure enough, he waits until Friday evening to ask me out. I declined. Said I would be working this weekend. It’s a social experiment at this point. He tried a little harder, but very politely asked if he could whisk me off to take a break from work at any point. I was really tempted but also more curious to see how the principles here work.

I’ve never done this before, I usually would have taken him up on this last minute offer. Because he is attractive and fun. But I held firm. I want to see if this inspires him to chase harder. He’s an attractive male with many options. And this feels almost like a primal mating dance so I’m intrigued on an intellectual level. And it’s fun.

Second guy also asked me to a lunch picnic. I declined. That was easy. Don’t think I’ll be seeing him again.

Has anyone else had experimented with All The Rules? How did you find it?