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Some time ago, as most of you Queens know, I dumped Texas lawyer guy. He had made some weird, slightly negging comments about my health, which I now believe are projections and have a lot more to do with him than me. He claimed he had reservations about me, but didn't say what they were until I demanded to know, then he tried to deflect and obfuscate until I pinned him down, so not impressive at all. But he and I never stopped texting and chatting, since I really did and do like him better as a friend. He's smart, funny, politically on the right side, and to be honest, I'm in love with his cat, a cute chonky calico girl with the greenest eyes. He will never have my heart, but his cat has my heart!
Sure enough today he asked for a "reset" and to chat again on the phone. I don't quite know what he means by "reset" but if it means try again to be romantic partners, nothing doing. First of all, can anyone explain to me WHY men do this? If I know the why behind what to me seems illogical, irrational behavior, I can understand it way better. I'm an INTJ and I know that we all have irrational behavior, but digging deeper and understanding what's going on behind it lets me get more control of myself, if I see where someone is coming from. I can then treat the other person with more compassion if I know how they are thinking and feeling. I know it's usually all about fear, or desire, not wanting to lose something, or wanting to gain something. Desires are pretty basic.
As for the second-round scrotation, it is predictably falling apart at this stage, and I just don't care, which tells me it's time for me to dip back out of dating for a while, probably until after I get back from the Camino. I'll probably set my FB dating status to "taking a break" and leave it for a while, and probably pick up again January 2023. I need to focus anyway on finishing up some art projects here at home, and working out every day.
And that brings me back to TLG who just crawled back: when he said to me I should second-guess myself and maybe not try to walk the Camino, because he thought my health was more fragile than I myself realized (I know myself, and implying i don't really pissed me off), I copied the quote and put it on my door so I could stay angry, stay motivated, and stay focused on working out, building up endurance and stamina, and walk the Camino. (I plan to do a bit over 400 miles, but the full thing is about 523 miles.) I know myself, I won't let go of that simmering anger until I'm done walking the Camino. In fact, I fully intend to post lovely pictures all along the Way, and exclude him in all my FB posts. Then at the very end, I'll include him again. Petty AF? You bet. I own it. Would he care? I don't know. I just know that doing it that way will make ME feel better.
So, if anyone here can explain why they crawl back, I'd appreciate it. I have an intuition of why they do this, but I'd like to get everyone's feedback first, and see if I'm on the right track. I really like him as a friend; we work better together that way. He's useful to me legally, especially when I go to set up my catering business. But more, no thanks. I just have the distinct feeling he would try and utterly fail to hold me back, and my wings can't be clipped. First husband fucked around and found that out! Thanks, all.
First, I can't wait for you to prove those dickheads wrong. 👑 Second, they sound like the type of guys who are shrugging their shoulders and telling women to "just deal with it" in regards to losing access to their reproductive rights and the life saving treatment pregnant women ARE NOT getting right now. Third, men crawl back to steal your power. You're using your power to maintain a hard boundary i.e. "you're not treating me as well as I can treat myself so I don't want to date you." They still want you obviously, and this is them pushing your boundary to see if you'll give in. If you do, not only do they get the woman they want, they also give themselves license to take your "no" to mean "yes if you try hard enough."
I can't imagine writing a whole post about a guy I deemed too low value to date, bragging about him crawling back to me, and then spending all this time in a comments section defending why I want to keep talking to him. You can't seem to decide if you want to portray your continued investment in him as wanting to keep a friendship going or as simply having a lawyer in your pocket for help with your business. If he's too low value to be a boyfriend, he's too probably too low value to be your friend. Someone to exhange low effort texts with once in a while is not an exemplar of friendship, so I'm confused why you keep saying you want to keep him as a friend if low effort texting is the extent of your relationship. Hopefully your definition of friendship is not that sad. And if he's simply a lawyer connection that you'll contact from time to time, then why are you going on and on about him here? I also keep a few contacts in my pocket to help with my side business, but I spend less than like a second of the day, if even that, thinking about any of them. You clearly still like this guy and want to keep him hanging on you as an option, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. Either cut him off or just acknowledge you still like him even though he's a loser. As for lawyers, go for a female lawyer and I will tell you from experience it is better on all fronts and, once you have a little money, keep one on retainer because no lawyer, unless they are family or a true friend, will keep giving you quality advice or help for free.
Block and delete this low value scrote. Why? Because:
🤡 He repeatedly negged you, something HVM *never* do.
🤡 He tried to gaslight you into thinking you can’t do something you are more than capable of doing. Rather than cheering you on and being your biggest supporter, he tried to convince you to quit before you even started. Reality check: this is typical of abusers.
🤡 You still crave his approval, validation, and attention even though he’s a scrote. You need to delete him so you can detox and work on undoing your lingering pickmeisha mindset.
🤡 You’re giving him a pass because he’s politically liberal and managed to pass the bar. Never mind that lawyers are among the most politically liberal people in the country, or that there is an overabundance of them right now. You’re making excuses for your continued indulgence of this scrote, sis. It’s time to figure out why, and fix it.
By giving any of your precious time and energy to a verified LVM, you are not only wasting yourself on an undeserving swine, but also keeping the bar low for the rest of them. Block, delete, level up. No mercy and no quarter for scrotes, not ever!
So, why remain friends with a person who puts you down?
I think they do it because they don't think they ARE "crawling back" -- they actually think they're the ones in control, so the image that might spring to their minds would be more like fishing -- they cast us out, they reel us back in, ad infinitum.
But in FDS world, it isn't really so, because they're not in charge.
OP, you're acting like a pick me. Why are you still entertaining him? You still want his validation
This is why you gotta block and forget.
Done. Blocked and deleted on Facebook and phone. Thank you all for helping me think clearly and rationally. I wanted to like him, but I kept him at a distance. I wanted to get closer but wouldn’t let myself. Bottom line: always trust your gut. I’m feeling lighter and freer already.
Aside from all the other considerations mentioned here (good comments all!) -- I also feel that, even if you are sure where he stands with you (i.e. not boyfriend material), and even if he is appearing to be on the same page about this, my gut feeling is that he's not. I suspect that, while you're thinking you've got him on a casual-friend/helpful-lawyer string, HE is thinking he's got YOU on a "possible future woman for whatever purposes" string. And although I am strict with my boundaries, cautious about men, and a pretty strong FDS proponent, I also believe in fair dealing. If you are absolutely not interested, and there is a shred of a chance that he is still entertaining thoughts of something more, I think it's only fair to block and delete.
I forgot to mention that I messed up: TLG has my actual number. When we first met off FB dating, and he *seemed* nice, I just completely forgot Google Voice and other burner phone numbers, and gave him my actual number. (I now have GV, and absolutely blocked and deleted a guy. Yesterday he said "where will you plan our honeymoon?" and we hadn't even met in person. YIKES. Gone!) So if I seem too soft or like a pickme, I get why you Queens say that... however, I don't want him angry or vindictive with me, since he has my real phone number, so a soft ghosting, keeping him at arm's length as an online friend, is better. He'll realize, consciously or not, that I only ever respond when he initiates, I never text first. They all fade away. But lesson learned. Google Voice from now on.
An update: we talked on the phone and he did want to try to reel me back, no surprise. I was prepared to re-iterate that the same issues still existed, namely that he’s a state away, and I want someone in state. If he had pushed, I would have brought up the comment on my health and the deflection and avoiding answering about his reservations til I pinned him down. He said he was willing to drive and do the heavy lifting, but Ive also seen closer pictures and I’m not attracted. He laughed when I told him I’m in love with his cat, which is true. For now, I’m keeping him as a friend and I also realize he has to keep on being genuinely friendly, safe, sane, or I vote with my feet and will block and delete. It’s not easy here in the Deep South to find someone who is liberal and a strong Democrat. He speaks well and he’s funny. I was pleased that when I said no, I’ve moved on, he took it well, didn’t push, and we ended as friends so overall I’m happy. Bottom line, time tells.