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I have had a hellish time lately on the dating apps and have come to the conclusion I am, sadly, addicted to them. I'm confident I'm not alone in this, and I'm certainly not adding anything new to the debate of whether OLD/apps are good, bad, whatever. The handbook gives searing clarity on why this whole exercise is awful. But I do want to spill some tea on my recent experiences in case it benefits someone else. My self esteem has taken a battering lately and I hope anyone reading this can take heed and make the choice that's right for them where apps - particularly paid ones - are concerned. For context, I am in my early thirties. I have just moved to a new city for a promotion so admittedly feeling a little lonely whilst I work out my notice. I run regularly, I take care of my appearance and have lovely, long-term friends. Put simply, I'm not a carnival of red flags. In the last week I've experienced the following: 1. A man who ghosted me after we dated for a month last summer appeared on my 'likes you' list on Tinder yesterday. He claimed to be a different age, height and was using his middle name. I couldn't resist asking for an explanation and he proceded to tell me that he didn't ghost me. He didn't hear from me after calling and it was him who felt rejected. My jaw was nearly on the floor from his bare-faced lies. I blocked and deleted when he asked me for a coffee 'to talk about things'. 2. A guy who had offered me a tour of the new city was keen to lock in a date. He followed up several times through the app we matched on to arrange for a meeting on Saturday just gone - and to instigate small talk. He checked in on the Tuesday and then? I heard absolutely nothing from him all week. I didn't ask him to confirm plans, either. Just silence. 3. I wrote a blog post the other week about a guy who was due to meet me for dinner and drive to this city. He didn't bother telling me he was leaving, didn't book somewhere to eat and expected me to be free at 7.50pm and presumably, to meet him in a part of the city that I don't know. He's blocked and deleted. 4. A guy from a different app arranged to meet me in the evening and then around 3pm the same day "remembered he had a deadline"/was I free tomorrow (I was not). Funnily enough said guy was still on the apps as 'active'. He made no attempt to rearrange our meeting.
5. Someone referred to me as 'a bit of a dick' when I told him the very dull questions he had fired off were all on my bio that he clearly hadn't read. It took all my grit not to get into a dialogue with him and to proceed to B&D. At this point I realised I had In summary, I can't believe how bleak it is out there on those dating streets. And I'm convinved the bar for het men is lower than I have ever known it to be. I hate how experiences like these get you thinking 'is it me? Am I at fault?' rather than 'wow, it's them'. To get basic respect, courtesy or anything from cishet men feels uphill. I don't want to miss out on a lovely partner but my app addiction lures me into meeting (or not!) the above creatures and I've realised with painful clarity that I have to step off this crazy merrygoround of OLD and focus my energy somewhere else. I've linked up with a therapist to start this journey and unpick it all. I also think it's fascinating how we are now in this position, but to analyse that in any depth is straying from the point. I'm sure someone wise and well read will have something to contribute on this score. So my request is twofold: can we be kind to our fellow FDS women (and beyond) who are navigating these OL dating streets? Despite what the handbook says, the apps are hugely addictive. We know what it's like to be offered the promise of the next man being better/nicer etc only to see that potential promptly replaced with poison.
And two: can you help me stay the hell away from this poisonous habit? Can we share ideas about how we've successfully turned off the apps and gone cold turkey? It might help someone else.
If you're going to continue using OLD, I would suggest that you get incredibly clear on your standards and what you will/won't tolerate. This will drastically cut down the amount of men you are matching with, and it will make it easier to block and delete at the first sign of scrotery without hesitation.
Also, in case you didn't know (I definitely didn't until this year), men are capable of sleeping with and even dating women that they don't like just to avoid being lonely until a woman that they actually like comes along. This realisation has completely put me off of OLD because if men are capable of doing this to women they meet in person, it is 1000x easier for them to do this online and with multiple women
i couldn't take the bullshit anymore and decided to spend my time doing other things. that's how i quit not only dating apps, but also social media entirely.
what keeps you hooked?
dopamine hits - when you get a match, when a guy texts you, when a conversation seems to be flowing well... all those little dopamine hits give you enough motivation to keep using the apps.
boredom - you have nothing better to do (actually, you do) so you see yourself drawn to that habit. but you can occupy your mind and time doing other things. c'mon, i know you can think of stuff to do. things you like, things you need to do, things you would like to start doing.
habbit - this is related to the previous two. (bad) habits stick to you like ticks. you think "no, not today, satan" and 3 seconds later, you're already mindlessly swiping. it's like your body needs the motion to feel ok. that is weird and scary...
hope - the ultimate aquiles ankle of women. we are hopeful that we're going to find the one. "if i keep vetting and searching and vetting... i'll eventually find a HVM. i mean, it can't be impossible, right? my friend's cousin's best friend's aunt found a really good guy on tinder... why can't i?"
So me aware of these and, again, find other ways to spend your time. that will help you get rid of the habbit/addiction.