Hi lovely ladies. I had a thought provoking date last night and I have two main topics I would like to get your thoughts on.
Backstory: I have been on 3-4 dates with this guy, he made the effort in the beginning to plan dates, took me to the museum, paid for dinners and was a gentleman. He did say to me that due to personal circumstances he's quite broke and 'can we go dutch next time'. I said I don't do dutch but I will pay next time we are out.
Last night, we had wine and I paid. He again said that we can't only hang out at restaurants as that's expensive, even though we've also taken walks together. I am not having sex with him anytime soon but I've been to his house so I got to scoop the cleanliness level. He asked me to be his gf last night and I said it's too early for me.
Issue 1: He lives with his best friend who is a girl. From what he's told me, she's a pickme. I know this is a red flag and I am wondering if I should end things now and cut my losses. I have the tendency to go with the flow and not make decisions until it's high time to do so. What do you think?
Issue 2: This is a more general strategy question. He was quite open about what his friends think about me. So on our 2nd date, I wore a Chanel bag and I was quite excited about it as it was my first time wearing it in public. After the fact, his friends (male and female) said to him that 1. it's weird that he was paying every time and it's not feminist (lol). His girl friend who he lives with, said that I seem stuck up cause of the bag.
- I think I should have just wore the bag and not mentioned it like it's normal for me. But I am still leveling up, a girl makes mistakes. I also thought it's a good idea to mention the fact that it was expensive so he knows what to expect.
-I haven't had to discuss 'who pays' out in the wild and I didn't really have a good answer when it came to it. I said that in my culture it's expected and I tried to make it clear that that's what I expect most of the time. I don't care what they said about me but I want to know how to clearly state my position on this and let the guy know from the beginning. So any advice on this is welcome? I guess the fact that he was trying to debate me on this means he's broke.
When did you find out he had a girl best friend that he lived with? If he said it from the start honestly I would have cut him off there. If he told you later, then I'd worry why he didn't say it from the start...
If he's too poor to pay for more than 3 dates then he can't afford to be dating. If you want a serious relationship with a man then he needs to show his generosity and asking you to go dutch so early is unacceptable. If he really likes you but has little money then he should be thinking of cheap but romantic things to do for you - saving up a little longer to take you out or finding a museum, making something creative for you?
You are right. I should have stopped communication right when I found out. It also just made me realise that I don’t want men who live with roommates. I am moving to my own place next month and the LEAST I can ask from a potential partner is to have his own place.
He did organise other dates actually but next time I’ll know to be more clear with what dates I’m happy with.
What Neorago said added with. " I wore a Chanel bag and I was quite excited about it as it was my first time wearing it in public. After the fact, his friends (male and female) said to him that 1. it's weird that he was paying every time and it's not feminist (lol). His girl friend who he lives with said that I seem stuck up cause of the bag. "
This is a huge red flag. My relationship is not up for side people who know nothing about me. It's your bag you got it however you got it and you should be HAPPY to flaunt it. Another woman dogging another about something that makes them happy such as a bag? No. Just no. Do you identify as 'feminist'? (whatever meaning they use as such) if no then those standards they have towards you does NOT apply to you. You said you expected him to pay. If he was fine with it then he needs to deal with it. Not every date needs to be expensive. As long as it's thoughtful and not something that took 5 secs to think of. Ask yourself this... do you want this 'best friend' inserting herself in your life? That will happen that attitude alone sounds bad enough. Whatever pickme behavior she has she will try to push on you. If you think you can handle it, do you. I would have cut him off from the first moment he ever suggested a walk date and we weren't official. I go on walks all the time alone. Without the added chatter of another person. The rest of the behavior is a red flag to me.
Good luck.
Thanks for taking the time to respond and address all my points. It‘s crazy how people can bring you down to their level so easily. I wanted to make a statement with the bag that I’m expensive for a reason, to weed out people like him. Funny how only guys who can’t afford you complain about taking you on dates. Lol.
You are right and I knew it, I just needed someone else to say it I guess. Of course I don’t want her to be inserting her irrelevant opinions to my life and I want him to pay all the time (just my preference). I don’t actually remember when he told me about the living situation , but I should have paid more attention in the beginning and vetted properly.
@savageX now I want to get a Chanel bag too! I can afford a bag and my dinners. But preference is that the man pays for dinner out. My presence and company is enough. You don't need to explain any further about your stance to him. He has made it clear with all these red flags. I'm glad you are here to share your experience and think through this with all of us.