Last week, I was sending memes to an old colleague of mine (I'll call him Andrew) and joking around about how bad the workplace had become. After we exchanged a few messages, it became apparent to me that we were not on the same page and things were more serious than Andrew was letting on. That's when Andrew called me and let me know that one of our other colleagues had left work early, gone home, and taken his life. Andrew and my old boss had found him. The details are tragic (as you can imagine) so I will spare all the readers from going into it.
My now ex (I'll call him Matt) insisted I let him know how I was going, that grief was insidious and it could hit me right when I least expect it. He said all the right things and appeared to empathise with me. For context - Matt lives in the next city over, about 1.5 hours drive away - so we weren't exactly long distance but we interacted mostly through text and the occasional phone call.
Well, the grief did hit hard. The next morning after the shock had worn away, I was hit with a wall of complicated feelings of sadness and guilt - guilt that I hadn't done more for my late colleague, guilt that I wasn't there for my friends, sadness for Andrew and my boss who had to deal with the situation, sadness that I hadn't kept in touch. I showed up to work in tears and was promptly sent home and given the next two days off.
Matt knew I was having a rough week, but his texts became more dry. We had previously had arguments about his lack of warmth where I'd explained to him that I needed more affection (you know, basic relationship stuff). He said he "didn't know how to be a boyfriend" and to "be patient" as he was doing his best. However - on Friday last week - Matt seemed especially distant. I called to see if he needed to chat, and that's when he decided to tell me he was frustrated by his workplace and that he felt as if he was being punished by his new promotion. Looking back on this, I'm starting to wonder if Matt was bringing this up in order to draw attention back onto him, given that *I* was the one in need of extra emotional support last week.
Two days ago, I found out details about my late colleagues funeral. His family lives in the same city as Matt, so I made arrangements with work to attend. After submitting my leave request and booking my dogs into a kennel, I asked Matt if I could stay at his house so that I didn't have to find a hotel. I figured it would be no imposition as Matt had given me a key to his place and given me half of the cupboard and bathroom to keep my things. Wrong. Matt told me that he had a boys night on that Friday and that he was planning to "get on it" so it would only be convenient for me to stay on the Thursday. He said he'd invite me but "no offence, it's just a boys night". At first, he did attempt to compromise - he said he could try and reschedule it, or he could just skip out early and come back so that he could be there. But I was still furious that he even considered his boys night as being a limiting factor to me staying with him that weekend - of ALL weekends. I told him that I was beyond done with him not listening to me and that I didn't feel like a priority at all.
I didn't hear from him for three hours, and when he finally got back to me he broke up with me. He said he couldn't be what I needed, that he found himself having to "try" in our relationship (something he's apparently never had to do before) and that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because of it. He said he just wanted to be my friend and doesn't want to lose me from his life. Naturally, I pointed out that I don't like being a nag, that I was upset about my friend's passing, and that the BARE MINIMUM I would have expected was for him to just let me use his place to crash. As a result of all this, I said I didn't want to be his friend. He was genuinely SHOCKED by this - ladies, if I wasn't so mad, I'd laugh. It really is a joke.
He was so upset at the thought of this that he told me the conversation was too hard and that he needed to talk to his dad. He asked if we could reopen the conversation in a few days and promptly hung up.
Obviously, this 28 year old child will not be reopening any conversation with me. I've told him that he will be the one to make the 1.5 hour trip out to collect his key and exchange things. I also gave him my bank details and told him I wanted the full amount back for all of the stuff I'd bought for his place. While dealing with him, I've been short but polite (why let him know he's gotten to me?), but he will be coming over on Sunday to give me back my stuff and collect his key. So I need advice on how to handle Sunday - I'm toying with the idea of leaving his key in my letterbox and going out to lunch with friends. I obviously don't want to see him and don't want to allow him an opportunity to come inside for a "chat". I thought about having one of my male colleagues come over to mediate the interaction, but I just think that will cause more harm than good.
Any input is welcome as to how I should deal with this.
TL;DR one of my previous colleagues took his life and my boyfriend broke up with me when I asked if I could stay at his house during the weekend of the funeral because I got mad that he was prioritising a boy's night over being there for me. I want to know how to deal with exchanging our stuff on Sunday this week.