I have dated a man for about three months, and for the first two months things were going well. However, like clockwork, during the third month his effort began to drop and his communication became inconsistent. I attributed this shift in energy to him simply feeling more comfortable in the relationship, but it wasn't simply the communication or effort that was less than desirable. He began to behave very passive aggressive towards me. He would put be down for speaking well, for my educational achievements, and even my choice of hair style. When we were out to dinner, he would go out of his way to obviously tare at other attractive women and make comments. When I confronted him, he simply said, "it is normal for people in New York City to acknowledge strangers." At this moment I felt that I should distance myself from him, as he is not showing me respect. However, against my better judgement, I held onto the hope that he would return to giving me the good treatment I received at the beginning of the relationship. However, in the last week things really took a turn for the worse. He began to show a really bigoted side of himself by making racist comments which is completely unacceptable, and it is totally audacious he would make those comments to me as a black woman. He stated that he has a lot of tolerance for me because "I am not like other black women/people," implying that black women/people lack decorum, etiquette, and intellect. It was totally offensive! I let him have it! However, he began to justify these comments by making an even more racist statement, claiming that "black people should expect that people think these things as most crime is committed by them." SIR, WHAT??!! I was shocked. I was angered. I was saddened. He began to apologize but I was so sickened by his comments at point. It is a shame that a white man who claims to like women of African descent holds such hatred for African descended people. These comments have set heavy in my heart all week. It is clear I am never seeing him again, but I feel that I should send him one last message explaining just how damaging his thoughts are. Should I do that? Or should I go forth with my plan to ghost him?
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Ghost that racist fucker.
He doesn't deserve a nanosecond of your time. Don't send any paragraphs, just disappear.
I’m sorry/not sorry the mask slipped.
No response is a powerful response here. Never be paragraph girl. Scrotes don’t read them, either so you should save your thumbs.
The only thing you need to demonstrate to this racist fool is how it feels for a high value woman to walk TF away without a backwards glance.
And block and delete, of course.
On some level, he said those things on purpose to deliberately hurt you and neg you. He knew it could and probably would offend you and made the choice to say it anyway. No, don't message. You are above this crap.
You need to ghost him, dear. I remember when my Colombian ex boyfriend called me, "Stupid white bitch," and that was IT. Men don't have to like you to f*ck you. They don't even have to like you to marry you. Males always have a use for us. Also, go watch Princella Clark's interview with Previn Karian on her "High Powered Podcast" channel. Around 37 minutes in, Previn, who's a psychotherapist, explains that when a male feels loved and accepted, he then feels safe to show you what a bad guy he really is. This is why so many women can tell you about the "switch up" their men did.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LP8mw-XH-fM&pp=ygUQUHJpbmNlbGxhIHByZXZpbg%3D%3D
Reading your post, I already disliked him before he even started with the racism! "It is normal for people in NYC to acknowledge strangers" WHAAAAAAAT?!?! I am a former east-coaster and I THINK NOT!
And then of course the disrespect and the misogyny weren't enough; he had to start piling on the absolutely vile racist stuff.
I'm so glad the mask slipped before you got further in. I agree with Moxie; just raise your head high and walk away.
***ETA: OH! I just re-read -- and he "claims to like women of African descent"?? So he's one of those horrible guys who fetishizes a certain demographic just so he can put them down? He's so gross!!! I'm sorry you had to experience this.
The mask has slipped, good people don't need second chances. Leave while you can. The ones I dealt with let their mask slip within the 1 year mark. that's where they show their true colors.
When disrespect has been served then know that everything he told you before that is a lie, And with disrespect I don't mean bickering that stops in seconds but neglectful towards your feelings and relationship.
One of the things I noticed about men and their mask slipping is when they start arriving late for no reason, ruin your get together, refusing to be attentive, saying they are sorry but refuse to stop, being like normal again one day and be an ass or distant the next day aka guilt or mind games.
If a man can't be the same like in the beginning towards you and you know you haven't done anything that made him behave this way then the mask has slipped and it will not get any better. Because he wants something new and you are getting in the way of that.
Men don't care that they hurt you, they only care when you ghost them because thats the only thing that hurts their ego, they want to be the ghosters, they don't want you to go ghost.
If anything it's not normal to acknowledge strangers in NYC. Does he acknowledge homeless people sitting in their own excrement? Probably not... Also, you deserve to be with someone who will not talk down to you about your ethnic background. Ghost him. He doesn't deserve an explanation.
This man is a racist with a fetish for demeaning and putting down black women. See him for what he is. It's time to ghost. Read the handbook. It will help prevent/minimize situations like this. This is who he always was. The mask simply slipped and has now fallen off.
Block and delete all phone numbers, emails, and social media.
No explanation needed.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with a racist POS! There are definitely people who date and befriend other races for nefarious reasons. Sometimes they are not even aware of what shits they are. Please take care and don't bother replying to him.
Ghost him. You've already wasted enough time on him, he doesn't deserve an explanation, and he won't change his behavior even if you wrote him a thesis with footnotes. He's not dumb, he's an asshole, there's a difference.
For future reference, this was your first red flag:
This was the second:
Inconsistency, passive-aggressiveness... when a guy starts doing that, that's all you need to know. Red flags aren't meant to be explored or collected. Don't give badly behaving men the benefit of the doubt.
Black men who only date White, and White men who only date Asian are sus asf. They're looking for submissive, and they typically find out the hard way that women of all races don't like being treated badly.
White men who ONLY date BW are also sus asf, like it's a fetish. Had a Black guy try to go off to me about BW and I nailed him right then and there. I asked what's wrong with BW, and he threw out some shit about attitudes, and I'm like, you know, WW have "attitudes" too, right? He tried to say BW have worse attitudes, so I told him to watch some Pastor P, and if he's doing the submissive waifu merri-go-round game, he needs to "upgrade" to Asians.
Ghost him. Ghost him. Ghost him.
Pretty funny to me that racism is a no when crime is brought up, but people will continually rag on a tiny proportion of men who commit the most crime as evidence men are bad.