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I grew up pretty neglected as a kid and the only way I got praise or was able to feel safe was to avoid upsetting anyone, people please, and not be seen.
I feel like living like this has caused me to be attracted to bad people. Not just men, but women too.
I noticed that I always pine for the toxic people in my life while sometimes taking the people who do care for granted.
This is a horrible trait that hurts me and the people who do care. I understand how this started in childhood but I'm struggling to stop 🥲.
Tips ?
Honestly Id put it this way, you can’t train yourself to get the ick on men’s bad behavior, it comes down to loving yourself and having self esteem and then it automatically translates to, I don’t deserve this and you get the ick, I would say solving some of your childhood traumas could help raise your self esteem and self worth to realize “wait I don’t deserve this, I deserve better than this” which comes from a place of love within yourself, I know traumas are hard but I would put my focus on that and the rest should come automatically, and FDS also helps by guiding you towards good standards to have in relationships :).
Practice, practice and more practice of listening to your body when the ick happens. From what you’ve said (and I relate) trauma makes us unable to properly feel the ick feeling, when it happens. It’s like it’s under layers of conditioning yourself to ignore it.
When interacting with people, as soon as the ick feeling happens, ACT on it. Cut the interaction, leave, end the relationship. It takes intentional practice, the more you do it- the easier it is to deal with.
i think it's very challenging, but totally possible.
what has worked for me is to observe myself. i am my biggest study subject. and honestly... i'm pretty damn fascinating! by observing myself i've learned so much! and i also self reflect a lot. this has helped me decenter men even before finding FDS (i still made mistakes, but things hit differently).
you need to be your own researcher. identify your patterns, study them, comprehend them and learn from them. and remember to not focus only on the bad parts. you ave good qualities too!
so after you learn more about yourself and your patterns, you'll be able to change them because you'll know how you work. you'll be trained to identify them when they happen, or even before they happen. and that's how you learn to get the ick from bad behaviours, both your own and other people's.
i now this sounds very rational. it might nt be the right way for you. other sisters have suggested different approaches, so feel free to try a little bit of everything and find what fits you best :)
From what I experienced, the ick was always there. I just didn't believe it was that bad. Or sometimes I realize that but I don't think I deserve better (and didn't realize that no partner is better than having an icky partner), so I just ignored the ick. So it all roots from self esteem and self respect. It's not easy but we can believe in ourselves better!
Read the gift of fear by Gavin Debecker.
I had the same problem as a kid. Except I was anxious all the damn time and I still couldn't avoid dangerous people, but now I relax and listen to my gut and I let my intuition take the wheel.
Also forming healthy boundaries and learning about abusive behavior can help form your intuition a bit better.
You can read books like "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft and even look at abuse data for fun. Data and FDS posts about red flags also help if you don't feel like buying/reading a whole book.
Also if you're unsure take breaks from people and look back at their behavior while playing video games and if they pass the vibe check then keep seeing them essentially.
It took me two years to get over a toxic fling until I found his extremely embarrassing social media of him attempting to be an influencer, cackled, and immediately got over him. Him being toxic only made his sexy more powerful for me, for similar reasons to yours, and it took repulsion at his public behavior for me to snap.
A similar thing happened with a friend of who publicly wronged me. Those scenarios are for people entrenched in my life. New people I simply don't let in when they show bad or inconsistent behavior! So idk if that's helpful but that's how I healed.
i think this is where identifying standards, preferences and values come in. have your list from the very start. the difficult part is walking away from people who do not live up to those standards, because it usually takes investing some time in the person before you can determine if he/she can meet them.
You absolutely can train yourself to get the "ick" from bad behavior. First when you're in a situation, ask yourself, "What would a woman who loved and respects herself do?" Then do what she'd do NOT what you'd do. Second, start treating yourself right. For instance, I go to massage therapy every Friday. I eat steak for dinner with good wine. So when an idiot lowballs me for a house "date," I'm SO not interested. If he can't beat my steak and wine, what do I need him for? If he's not gonna be a better time than my massage, Korean sauna, or acupuncture experience, why would I bother? I grew up in a very abusive household with actual attempted murder in front of me. It took me a long time to train myself to not go on autopilot with men and to keep the peace, since that's how I survived childhood. But it can be done.
I highly recommend trauma therapy. It's hard work but life changing.