.png)
I've been seeing a new guy for about a month now (but have known him for about 3 months) and things have been going really well. We have different interests, but he has made an effort to understand mine and consistently brings up things he thinks I'll find interesting, asks me questions about things he doesn't know much about, etc. He doesn't engage in any obvious fuckboy behaviors like negging, gaslighting, or being controlling. He basically texts me everyday and we already have plenty of inside jokes. He has been fine with me setting the pace and that's made me feel at ease.
Maybe it's just my trust issues, but I'm starting to get a little suspicious. Like I said, we usually text everyday but occasionally he won't. I've noticed recently that his energy randomly changes during the conversation. Like we will be laughing and kind of going tit-for-tat, then he'll get kind of serious for seemingly no reason. The other day, I sent him a video about something we were discussing the day before that I thought he'd like, but I got kind of a cold response and then didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. But the next day, he texted me right when he woke up and kept the convo going all day.
I feel like he's playing a hot/cold game with me. I noticed that when he didn't text me all day, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering what he may be up to. I don't think it's my place to worry about that because we aren't exclusive, so I haven't brought it up with him. I feel like that's exactly the point of the hot/cold game and I don't want to be a participant in that. I don't want men to control my mindset like I have let them in the past. Another reason I think he could be playing games is because he teased me the first time we met for "mirroring" him, which means he has some familiarity with psychology and women's social cues. May not be a bad thing, but I did take a mental note of it when it happened.
And now that I think about it, he is much more of a listener than a talker. I feel like I've been incredibly open with him, but I don't know as much about him as he knows about me. That imbalance freaks me out.
I know this isn't much info to go off of, but what do you think, ladies? Is this just paranoia or a PUA technique?
Trust your gut. It's always right.
FDS cautions against constant communication like this. It makes you too available to him. It makes the “relationship” seem more intimate and involved than it really was. Texting is low effort. He doesn't need to work as hard now because he's already got your attention all day. Keep the texts short and brief, only to set up the next date. More consistent texting is okay when you’re already in a relationship with him. But as the other comment said, trust your gut. I wouldn’t bother with this man. He’s already playing hot and cold with you. He knows more about you than him, which should never be the case cause yes, now he has the upper hand. Remember when dating, you’re vetting HIM. Not the other way around. You need to be asking the questions and he needs to be providing the answers.
Edit- someone really doesn't agree with the no texting rule! downvoting all the comments that say so
I'll say he is talking to multiple woman and what looks like playing hot/cold is just lost of interest. Whatever the reason is, he already sounds like a bad deal and you are just in the first month of going out. The first months are supossed to be the ones when he is starving for your attention and looking oportunities to go into dates in the real world with you, and it seems not to be the case.
I avoid this by telling men that I don't like texting and if they want to get in touch with me, they should call. Although I actually don't mind texting, most men are terrible texters and the anxiety is not worth it for me. If he continues to text me and doesn't call, it shows that he ignores my boundaries and out the window he goes!
He's trying to get you to chase him and drop your drawers. Block.
Yes, if you have to ask, it is. Seriously, your gut is detecting a pattern that you subconsciously recognize as problematic. Even if you can't put it into words, don't ignore that feeling, it's accurate. You'll regret it if you overlook these glaring red flags:
1) casually mentions "mirroring". It's not a good sign he is familiar with the terminology. Or that he joked about you mirroring him to ingratiate yourself with him, or that he said all women tend to do this. He's probably projecting.
2) inconsistent texting, hot/cold, tone changing - not a good sign. Whether it's a calculated strategy to keep you anxious and create scarcity, or talking to others thus actually not being interested enough - it's not good. This is supposed to be his best behavior during the first months when all is rosy and the connection is new.
3 - listens a lot, doesn't tell you as much about himself. Yeah, that's really worrying. Whether he is collecting data to pretend he is your ideal man, or he is not available, or secretive because he is shady, it's hard to say, but I really don't like that.
Stay away from him is my advice.
Texting is not real communication. It sounds like he's better in person than he is over text. I think that's probaby a good sign. The less you text with anyone, the better. It's a terrible way to have a conversation or get to know someone. All it is is one more thing to feel resentful about and weaponize.
Wow, I really needed that reality check. Thank you so much, Queens ❤️
If he didn't text you the whole day, he's not that into you. If it feels right you won't feel unnecessarily anxious about it. Also him not being that open about himself might mean that he is emotionally unavailable.
I'm gonna go against the other commenters here. I don't see anything suspicious in his communication. He could just have days when he's not super into texting in general, is doing other stuff, or not in the mood for joking. That's normal human behavior.
But - I agree with the other point raised - that it's not good to get hung up on texting this way. Your gut could be simply telling you you're addicted to texting with him, and that's never good. So, limiting that sounds like a good advice.