And "if all women left immediately, men wouldn't do [insert disrespectful behavior]."
How do you respond to well meaning women who claim to be pro-FDS and say this? "You should have left" and whatnot? Not to "blame" the woman they say, but in a "you shouldn't have touched the hot stove" way.
Of course I know i should have left earlier when I was in bad relationships years ago. I agree women should leave at the first time of a red flag for their own sanity. I also agree bad male behavior should be met with withdrawn attention via exiting the entire relationship/dating stage or whatever. A man who acts up never gets to see you again. Easy.
But, the phrasing of the post title makes me feel really awful. Like I inadvertently harmed future women my exes dated because I tolerated so much, justifying their misogyny in their twisted minds. I went against my gut and some well meaning people in my life who pointed out red flags. I stayed in order to "be fair." I think i unconsciously believed the failure of the relationship (or the current state of it) would be a stain on my permanent "record." I felt obligated to "make it right" like a bad grade in school. I just wanted to be in a healthy long term relationship like other women in my peer group. I was in a lot of pain from cognitive dissonance and felt lost, because nothing I did felt good enough.
Next Day ETA: talked things out , feel better. Basically we were wired to make mistakes and I was in a sea of confusing messages and trying to find love. Learning to forgive myself each day this comes up so it doesn't explode so badly like this every once in a while. Anyone who sees women as cars ("added mileage" with relationships/sex) can f off :)
ETA 2: thank you all for your compassionate responses, seriously.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't. Women who leave are still blamed and "the bad guy." And women who don't date ate all are still blamed for shit. I still beat myself up for not calling the cops or telling doctors "no, I don't feel safe in my home." Time does fortunately heal, I chalk it up to I was young and dumb, trying to do "the right thing." Now I do the selfish thing, the right thing for ME, not SoCiEtY.
i respond by ignoring them entirely. it's profoundly ignorant to say something like that to a traumatized woman. abusive relationships are way more complicated then they seem. women are usually kinder and forgive more, we doubt ourselves and we think men are just like us. we think they can change and become better people if we give them second chances. it takes times and realistic conclusions to realize men are trash and not worth our forgiveness. it takes time to learn and unlearn certain things. so if a woman who is FDS-aligned says that, i assume she's either being ignorant or cruel.
If she stays it's her fault but if she files for divorce she's creating broken homes and all the men will bitch that women always leave. Women can't win.
I know I should have ended a relationship when my gut feelings was throbbing like a volcano that's about to erupt but it's not your fault for staying, it's his fault for misbehaving. I will not stick around long enough to be scorned, I will leave when disrespect is served. Forget communication, Forget working things out, or be the bigger person, the sound of my heels walking away is your closure, that's your goodbye and a reminder that you F'ed around with the wrong one.
Why can't it be both? Why can't we both be empathetic to women's choices as individuals and also encourage the collective actions of women as a whole to demand better?