My mouth clenches as I begin this post, “ugh I don’t want to do this right now, it’s late, I’m tired, they’ll judge me” excuse. excuse. excuse. i feel myself getting more depressed and tired as I try to write. My body is trying to shut me down. Im scared. What if they say, “get out”, and what if that makes sense, then I would have to hold myself accountable and get out. And if I didn’t hold myself accountable, then I’d feel like a failure. but im terrified because I have no idea what it looks like to hold myself accountable, how I would live without him.
ive gotten myself into this situation
-been in relationship for 3.5 years and never would’ve seen myself here
-we live together
-I went to him post two horrible abusive relationships and he came to me to help him recover from his divorce
-he’s divorced and has a 10 year old who is with us part time
-he’s 12 years older
-im financially dependent and unemployed but I bring in money sometimes by airbnb’ing our place
-ive cut off all old ”friends”
-i can’t even tell which way is up and which way is down anymore
-the problems with the relationship? I’m not sure I can articulate it. I’m so stuck in my head all the time. I don’t know whether to be grateful or if I’ve gone crazy. -I believe I want someone my age
-I don’t know what to say here. -I don’t know where to go for support
-I fantasize about just leaving straight out the back door tomorrow and creating a new life.
-but without a plan I know I could be putting myself in a more risky situation and could put myself in desperation. -he’s not a bad guy but he puts a lot of expectations on me
-he Has money issues
-I won’t marry him but I’ve begun to think he could be a “life partner” (I promised myself I would never marry a man 10year age gap like my parents did)
i was the girl everyone looked up to growing up.
recently I declined all the invites to friends weddings
I’m turning 30 and have anxiety about my future.
i write in my journal all damn day, I’m always alone, but I can’t even sleep these days and have panic attacks and night terrors. Also I’m terrified of getting a “bad” therapist. i have horrible nightmares of everyone telling me I’m not good enough and that he’s hiding something from me. My whole world has begun to revolve around his. I was never like this (the super invested dependent gf) and this is never what I wanted. he persuaded me to move in with him and then I became lost. to be honest the first couple years were total shit. But we’ve actually become a little flower from it. But I’m worried I’m settling for this little flower. We’re two good people but he’s aggressive and asertive and I’m a helper and am agreeable. he has priorities and goals and deadlines and I don’t. I take care of the home and our two dogs and clean and cook and help with his son. I take care of the short term goals like food on the table while he works on his long term goals like career. he was very pornsick when we met but I “cured” that more or less. I’ve invested so much into him and I can’t seem to stop myself even though I know I just want to get away. I terrified to look at my own life. I feel like maybe I’m one of those people that just helps other people, but can’t help themselves. I feel like I’m playing the wife/partner/mom role perfect but I know hes not the guy I want to do it for/with. so why can’t I let go? Why am I so scared?
i need help I guess
i don’t know where to begin. I’m just getting by day to day. Long term goals for me feel unfathomable. I feel like I’m going to die in thus relationship And have flashes of my own death all the time around him.
I feel like I’m getting used and set up to be abandoned once I’m not in my 20s