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I have been dating this guy for a while and we just recently became exclusive. We haven't slept with each other yet but he definitely physically attracted to me. So far he paid for all our dates and have been very respectful to me. He even took me to nice dinner for my birthday but no gift becasue he said he didn't want to over do it (which is fine by me).
Yesterday I took him to dinner for his birthday and for the first time paid for a date. I wanted to do this as a courtesy for a a special occasion. After the dinner when he was dropping me off he asked me if I could pick him up from the airport on this coming Saturday. I said "yes I can" without thinking becasue he caught me off guard. Now, I don't mind giving friends rides to airport or picking them up so I don't necessarily have problem with it. I just thought he blatantly asking me for the ride right after date that felt off.
However, if you give men an inch they will take a mile. My worry is that he will slowly start expecting me to do random things for him and start expecting me to paying for dates too. He said he wants to go to lunch in the city after I pick him up at the airport. Since I am driving, I will end up paying for parking as well. Right now I am just waiting to see if he pays for lunch or not. I know if he expect me to split it or pay I will end it.
I understand that in a relationship to show effort too. I am wondering at what point doing things for men and paying for dates are acceptable in the relationship?
Update: I told him I can't pick him up from the airport becasue I got things to do. He took it normally and wasn't upset or bothered by it. We texted as usual and then video chatted last night. He bought a gift for me and showed it to me. He also said that he is looking forward seeing me again whenever we both got time.
I know this isnt part of what you asked but I wanted to add my two cents and say that my hackles went up a bit at the "him not getting you a gift because he didnt want to overdo it". Did he outright say this to you? Either way, early on in the relationship is when he should be "overdoing it". Especially since he hasnt slept with you yet. The start is when theyre on their best behaviour, and so whether theyre great or terrible, it will go downhill. So imo that doesnt really bode well for the future. Does anyone else think similarly?
For me, not getting you a birthday gift is totally unacceptable. I just bought my friend a birthday gift. This is a basic act of kindness and generosity. It is the least you should expect from a man you are in a relationship with.
He shouldn’t inconvenience you if he is a HVM. You can let him know that you forgot about certain plans for Saturday and can no longer pick him up. See what his reactions will be. If he reacts in unkind manner or gets upset, that’s a red flag. If he is still respectful towards you and understanding, that’s fine.
However you can pick him up if you want. It’s your choice but do not pay for lunch or parking. He should cover that. You paying for his birthday is different. It’s an occasion.
Also to answer your main question, I think you can give an inch, but then do not let them take a mile. Know when to stop and beware the slippery slope of "well i've already done this for them, I might aswell do...". I've done this before. Used to drive an hour to stay with my boyfriend and then ended up doing a full trolleys worth of shopping for the stay too because it was on the way 🙄 And that went on for years because once you start, its harder to put your foot down once youve put up with it for so long
It's only been a week and he already has the gall to ask you for a favor? Right after you paid for his birthday dinner?? Holy sh*t the audacity.
He feels entitled already. The first few months should be the time guys falling over themselves to impress their new gf.
Picking a man up from the airport belongs to a long term relationship imo. Like, at least 6 months in or when you're engaged. Heck, I'd only do that for my husband.
Add not giving you a birthday gift for the excuse he gave you. He's an LV. Make an excuse to not pick him up and drop him like a hot potato.
It might help to put things you'd do for a man into three categories: girlfriend, fiancee, wife. Don't do certain things before your relationship reaches a certain stage. Things that inconvenience you should be in the later stages, if at all.
He didn't get you a gift for your birthday? Wtf? When I worked at my old office on weekends, I was chatting to one of the real estate agents who was around my age. One of the other agents wished me a happy belated birthday and he was asking me when my birthday was. Later before he left, he handed me a birthday card in an envelope (he put in the effort to write out my name in different colors) and he also wrote a short message along with some lotto tickets. To be fair, we were coworkers and barely knew each other but he made the effort. I was surprised because I had no idea he intended to do that after our conversation. I thanked him and messaged him I won a few dollars from the lotto tickets lol. He said, damn I thought you'd win big. I didn't know what to get you. Again, we were coworkers and barely knew each other. But I appreciated it and i still have the card.
This guy has no excuse.
I screenshoted our conversation
I will join in agreement with the other post: I also think testing his reaction by saying something came up and you can't pick him up at the airport anymore is a wise move at this point. Please, if you can, update us on the outcome if you decide to reject him for any reason, I am invested and want to learn for future reference 😊
And it is always good to remember that the stakes when dating are always higher for you as a woman so it is totally natural if you want him to drop the mask early on if he is not authentic. A sudden inconvinience can definitely bring this to the surface imho
Dinner out is bare minimum basic treatment he should be doing for you anyway, therefore it's inappropriate for your birthday unless he's also doing something extra for you, such as a getting you a gift.
He knew it was shitty to not get you a gift, and he knew it was shitty to ask you for a ride. Yet he deliberately chose to be shitty to you.
This man describes 99% of all men I've dated. He'll get shittier from here. He tested you with these first two encroachments and you let him. Next, he'll start cancelling plans, not calling when he says he will, not responding to texts. Like sis he is already slow-fading you.
I already hate this man.
I agree with everyone here. It's clear that he has different expectations from an "exclusive relationship."
He seems to be thinking he's just gotten a lovely new employee (personal assistant) that he doesn't have to pay! NO WAY should he be asking you favors at this point.
How would he have gotten the airport ride if he hadn't had you?
Did he decide to have the "let's be exclusive" talk/agreement just so he could unlock another level of benefits and expectations?
Also, totally agree that he ought to have given you a gift. He's supposed to be STILL COURTING YOU. I don't know why some men seem to think that once they've agreed to be "exclusive" or "in a relationship." they think they've got you nailed down and they can do anything they want. THEY NEED TO BE MADE AWARE THAT YOU ARE STILL VETTING and will always be!
Yeah, I agree with BlanketCandle and the iffy. "I don't want to overdo it. "... what does that mean ?
I think he should be looking for what would make you happy, not what makes it "overdone." If you don't like gifts, fine. But he didn't ask you so he doesn't know. This comment is about himself, which is odd. Looks like a mask briefly slipping. I would have asked him what he meant by that and observed his answer. It sounds dangerously close to "you didn't deserve it yet," and if so, considering you haven't slept together yet, in what way didn't you "deserve" a gift for your birthday (not a crazy expectation really, that is something poeple do for birthdays) ? That would be an immediate red flag, block, and delete.
Adding: You gave him a chance to be really nice to you and he chose to reject that privilege. He was very rude in doing this. If I had plans with a total stranger on their birthday, I would bring a small gift. If I were your mom I'd tell you to DUMP HIM. I also tell you this as your not-mom.
Saw the update. I'm puzzled over why he changed his mind about the gift. What are you leaning toward doing?