After a lovely weekend spending time with my boyfriend, he expressed to me that he fears that we may have fallen into a sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic. He also went on to say that he would like to ensure that he isn’t being taken advantage of. Now, this conversation comes on the heels of many, many months of him selecting pricier restaurants for our dates and in the moment happily paying the bill; and when we do cook at home, he also suggests shopping at pricier markets. I am not above eating a middle range or even lower end restaurant from time to time, I have never demanded that he take me out to high end restaurants regularly. However, today he was implying that I’ve been high maintenance in my requests, when in fact I’ve always been open to variety of types of restaurants and date ideas.
Over the weekend he also insisted in buying me an intimate toy (something I could have quite frankly gone without). However, he insisted he wanted to purchase something to enhance my intimate experience so I agreed. When we entered the intimate shop, he was happy to let me select what ever I wanted, and he happily paid the $200 bill for the items.
Now, today he claims that his intention was to only buy something for $40 and yet he voiced none of these expectations beforehand.
He claims he wants to make me happy but he doesn’t want to give the impression that he can do extravagant things all the time. I now feel guilty.
This is not the first time something like this has happened.
Why does it seem that men present themselves as generous and adventurous, when all along they resent spending money on you ?
Also, is it possible that he is just projecting the stress he is experiencing by having to financially support his household, his ex wife’s household, and his children ?
Personally I would dump this guy. Like you said, he offered to buy you the sex toy and then later complains about it. That's very passive aggressive and disingenous. Also he complained about paying for meals when he was the one who suggested the restaurants. Again this is very passive aggressive and manipulative.
You should get rid of this manipulative, stingy, 50/50 scrote by blocking and deleting.
On top of guilting you for money he chose to spend, he has an ex-wife and children he supposedly supports?
Please. Save yourself the drama and ghost him. I wouldn't even bother with an explanation.
"he fears that we may have fallen into a sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic. He also went on to say that he would like to ensure that he isn’t being taken advantage of." The only men concerned about this are men on the take. I feel he said this to humiliate you into expecting less. You feel guilty because he called you a hooker??!?! Girl, be mad.
Run! He is a massive red flag. That resentment he holds will only grow and become worse. Get out while you can cuz he is a ticking time bomb. You are not a gold digger and def not a sugar baby.
He's guilt tripping you.
What stood out to me is that he 1. Making you responsible of the result of his own choices, 2. Refused to accept that your no means no. From those alone, he reeks of trouble.
You don't have to rack your brain to find the reason, the reason why is his business. He's an adult who should be able to manage his feelings, relationships and finances
All you have to think about is how he makes you feel. He makes you feel guilty. Do you like it? Do you mind if he stays this way, or even escalates? If the answers to those questions are "No", then he's not it.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this bc he's clearly going out of his way to make you feel bad and you don't deserve it because you didn't ask for those expensive things. If anything, it really does feel like he has this objective of "testing" you by spending a ton of money on you and seeing if you accept it or not. If you do, he proceeds to "voice a concern" of you taking advantage of him and basically shaming you for accepting him spending large amounts of money instead of talking him out of it and telling him to spend less on you. Basically, it seems like he wants to appear as if he is very generous but doesn't want you to actually take him up on that generosity; when you do take him up on it, he has this "gotcha" moment of "proving" you're "high maintenance." It comes off as if he WANTS you to ask him to stop being generous lmao... Hopefully that makes sense, ik I'm having a hard time explaining. Imo, this seems like red flag behavior that cannot be corrected through communicating and will only spiral further into a very toxic dynamic; see example below.
I had an ex who behaved similarly to this, except he was also coercive about it too. That's the reason he's an ex lol. He would choose to spend money on me and the leverage it against me to get sex as if I "owed" it to him because he got me gifts. Any time I didn't give in, he would make an accusation of there being a "sugar daddy/baby" dynamic between us and also insinuate that I'm a gold digger or "taking advantage" of him because i'm taking his gift and not rewarding him with sex for it. Ironically, when I dumped him and returned all the stuff he gave me, because he could no longer accuse me of being a golddigger since I didn't keep his shitty gifts, he accused me of being "ungrateful" for all the money he "invested" into me lmfao. We all know if I had kept it though, he would have accused me of being a golddigger because he did this with his previous exes before me. It just goes to show you that you can never "win" in the eyes of a scrote; they will always find a way to make you out to be a villain.
I'm so glad I did leave because If I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to meet my current bf who genuinely loves spending money on me because it makes him happy to see me happy. I've actually asked him to not spend as much on me bc I felt like bad I couldn't always match him in gifting and he literally tells me to chill and that I deserve it and that I don't need to worry about matching him in gifts or feeling like I'm taking advantage of him because he doesn't feel that way. He respects my boundaries too and it really does feel like he means what he says as a result. Even if he wasn't in my life, I'd be happy to be single and not with my ex bc being single is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad or guilty for no reason or sets you up to look bad. That's just toxic and stressful. Why subject yourself to that? You're free to make whatever decision you want OP, but I hope that my story may provide you with some insight on how to move forward. Edit: I also wanted to add that a HVM wouldn't try to make you look like or feel like a bad person, that's not high value behavior... It's literally a form of shaming you into lowering your standards. a HVM would do the exact opposite and make you feel like you're good enough for them as is.
answer for the title question: no. never. if you're not forcing him to do it against his will (how would you even do that in the first place?), there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
read everything you wrote. you already know what's going on. it is very clear.
Lol begone scrote. There is no way this is written by a woman. We all know the handbook, we all know that men should be the providers otherwise he is a parasite and a lvl.
It's only going to get worse.
Leave him now. You don't deserve that.
Tell him you never requested any of the restaurants he chose to go to. Make it clear that HE chose those places. Not you.
I would not date someone who is supporting an ex-wife. He needs to support her, yes, but I don't want to date him.
Guilt is for the birds. HE should feel guilty for coming into a woman’s life with clownery. Also, being high maintenance is amazing. In fact, you should be even more high maintenance. You should be as bougie and uppity as you want, and find a man that can act according to your standards. Remember, YOU have the power even though he’s paying. You need to set him straight by simply telling him what it is. Men have tried that on me and you explain your standards, and simply leave. If they actually want you around, they will fall over themselves trying to pay for their mistake (literally pay) because that’s how real men in this world show value to a woman. A man’s value to a woman is not his words. If he even slightly resents paying in any way you can tell after that, dump him and move on. A man who doesn’t think you’re worth an infinite amount of money (because you are) is worthless himself. You are a divine feminine goddess. Your energy is literally a precious resource, especially if you decide to do the inner work necessary to elevate your vibration. Don’t settle for ANYTHING less than ideal. That includes how a man makes you feel inside. If he doesn’t make you feel good, what is the point!?
Blaming you for something he volunteered to do is ludicrous. Men would complain they're too broke to date you. Now they're complaining even when they have money? Jeez block this manipulative scrote it does not get better from here. Do not pass go. I second the comments here.
You're here, so you should be familiar with the part of the handbook that strongly warns against what happens when you live with a guy who you are dating. If you haven't read it, you will see what you wrote here is quoted in the hypothetical sense.
By extension, guys who have a whole other family to support cannot afford to date. He will expect another woman to accept that he is bringing less to the relationship and that you, and any woman for that matter, should be understanding. The answer is: You have options, and lowering your standards is a form of settling. Don't sacrifice your standards or your comfort!
He is not interested in dating you, he is interested in what burdens you can take off of him. That goes for the bills, suggestion of splitting dates, and the other things that you mentioned. Speaking of, the part about the sex toy. Am I wrong to get the impression that he was pushing you in the direction of more items? Because it wouldn't make me comfortable if my boyfriend told me out of the blue that he wanted to just take me sex toy shopping. Truthfully, it would make me seriously question what inspired this idea. Then he has the nerve to put conditions on a gift? Not like I would consider sex toys a gift, but to each their own.
When you break it down, this guy gave so much to draw you in, then blames you for his financial shortcomings like you expect too much, hence putting you in the same category as a sugaring relationship? How dare he insult you and expect you to meet his standard of being cheapened out on! You can do better than him by leaps and bounds.
He's going to do this more and more. Don't stick around for it.
guys don’t care if it’s a “sugar daddy” aka really splenda daddy relationship. men already began taking you for granted after you’ve slept with them which means they want you to be easier and free-er. they’d have no problem paying for p*rn subscription or OLF models. the minute you agree to be someone's "gf" you are on a ticking clock. they MAY stay the same but most likely they will feel entitled to change stipulations because they already impressed you.