No way in hell I'd even date (let alone marry) a guy with his ex's name permanently etched on his body. That's the dream girl he wishes was still here, you're just the bang maid to wash his laundry while he pines for her and romanticizes their time together.
I personally wouldn't date someone with a dead spouse (if they were totally over them I'd wonder how dedicated they are as a person, and if they're not totally over them then who tf wants to be triangulated by a dead person who can do no wrong?). My supervisor's first wife died of cancer and I see how he intentionally or unintentionally triangulates his current wife and I'm not about that shit. It sucks to have a spouse die, but nobody's entitled to a partner and there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't end up putting you in this situation.
This is why I don’t like ANY tattoos about romantic partners. Whether it ends in death or a breakup (and there’s a 100% chance it will end one of those ways) everyone thereafter will feel triangulated. I can sort of see why he wants to keep it, but she should just leave him. She’ll never be better than this ghost. She can find someone whose exes are all living.
Can't relate to being more attached to a tattoo than a person I supposedly love and want to spend the rest of my life with. But to each his own.
I'm guessing the girlfriend was never comfortable with the tattoo (I wouldn't be either, so I get that).
She didn't ask about having it removed until now because... when would be a good time to do that? Absolutely not at the beginning of their relationship. After they've been dating a while? Still iffy. So at the point when they're talking marriage - looks like this is only option left.
She can ask, he can say no, she can leave if she doesn't like the answer. That all sounds like fair game to me.
The lesson I'm taking from this story is just walk away ASAP if a guy has a dead ex, and/or a tattoo I don't like. I can see how it wouldn't seem big enough to be a deal-breaker at first, but look at the mess it can turn into. Really don't need that kind of drama in my life.
I do wonder why he felt the need to post about it on the internet. Is he hoping to be reassured that the girlfriend is unreasonable and he'll find some other woman? I for one won't be reassuring him of that. She can likely find a new guy who doesn't have a tattoo about his ex. He's unlikely to find a woman who would be totally cool with being reminded of her spouse's ex every day. That's just how it is.
He's making it sound like she called him an asshole solely over his refusal to remove the tattoo - but I have the sneaking suspicion he left out a whole bunch of his asshole behaviour, and she had many more reasons to call him an asshole than he's letting on.
💯 Just WALK immediately if a guy has a dead ex with this weird level of emotional baggage since middle school and/or an unattractive tattoo. Agreed with your sneaking suspicion she had MANY more reasons to call him an asshole than he let on in his letter.
Big no from me. Dead people are considered saints and God help you if you ever say anything against them. He's widowed and he will always worship The One That Got Away.
She's dead, she's perfect, she can never make a mistake.
She’s been with him for 2 years, and is just now asking him to remove the tattoo? I think if it bothered her so much she should have left him well before she got too emotionally attached.
For me personally, I have no issue with tattoos as long as they’re nice and not trashy/tacky. But I would feel uncomfortable asking someone to remove a tattoo, especially one that is meaningful to him. To me it feels like it’s not my place. I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t over a dead spouse because I don’t want to be compared to someone he will always see as perfect. I think if it’s true that he’s gone to therapy and took time to heal and he says he’s healed from that experience then I wouldn’t have an issue with the tattoo.
But if it’s too much for her, then she should dump him. You can’t make someone change.
I would not be comfortable with it either because I would forever suspect that I was just a poor replacement for the one he really wanted. Like I'm filling the female-shaped hole in his life. If it has been a decade or so since the ex's passing, I might reconsider, but I'm not at the age where that is possible / likely.
I mean she wanted to marry him even after knowing of the dead ex baggage. If you're willing to stay for THAT how come you cannot accept a mere tattoo? Seems like another case of a woman trying to change a man, instead of getting one compatible with her. I see why that would bother her, but also it's kind of fucked up to want to dictate how a person has to grieve. Just find another man.
If she is that bothered by the tattoo, why keep dating him and talk about marriage with him if she knew it was dedicated to his ex?
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and she didn't know it was a tattoo dedicated to his ex until this discussion, if that is her boundary then walk away and don't marry him.
I don't think our personal stance on this matters as much as our willingness to stick to our boundaries and deal breakers. If this is your deal breaker, then walk away.
10
Unknown member
Mar 14, 2023
Having a deceased partner means I would want to do a lot of vetting to make sure they weren't still hung up on their past relationship, but the tattoo on its own wouldn't bother me. It sounds much more tasteful than just getting a name or something at any rate. Having different partners throughout your life is totally natural, especially if one of them died, and just because you remember and value the past doesn't mean you can't be invested in the present.
PS Wanted to put more thoughts because I don't want to come off as dismissing the concerns involved. Having a deceased partner is a red flag, and having a tattoo related to a past partner is a red flag. But every single man in existence has red flags. Frankly, being a man in a misogynistic society is itself a red flag. Figuring out how those potential concerns do or don't inform the behavior of a specific man is the point of the vetting process. And if a man was what I was looking for in the ways that matter, a tasteful tattoo memorializing a deceased past partner wouldn't change that for me.
PPS This is completely different than having a tattoo from a partner you broke up with. That just tells me you're a bad judge of the significance of commitment and would absolutely be a dealbreaker.
I'm not in a life phase where I want a widower or someone who's former partner died. I'm too young for that idgaf if they're my age or not.
Tattoos are becoming a deal breaker for me full stop. It gives good insight into who the man was when he got it, and honestly if they get a tattoo over something they are unlikely to grow past it- in fact I'd say that by getting a tattoo they're committing to never grow past it/let it go
Tattoos are a slippery slope when you are first getting to know someone then transition into dating them. I don't discriminate against people who have them, yet depiction would be a dealbreaker. For example, anything offensive, gory, or just plain poorly done, to name a few. I dated three guys with tattoos; Two had a sleeve and the third got his first one while we were together (I was present and it was of the Tree of Gondor).
To memorialize a family member like a parent? I don't have an issue with it. However, it is like what was in the post is where I would take the girlfriend's stance and not be comfortable with it. At my work, we have a technician who maintains the office fish tank. He has a huge tattoo depicting an anchor with a ribbon bearing the name of his late girlfriend on his forearm who passed away in 2019. He is now in another relationship and I couldn't imagine how his girlfriend feels.
With the exception of the comments that were seeing it from the girlfriend's perspective, other comments were calling the girlfriend jealous and that she has nothing to worry about because the previous person is deceased. We're not talking about pictures of the late girlfriend, this is a tattoo on another person's body.
I personally wouldn't but I think I theory it's fine.he says he's gone to therapy idk.
Also is anyone getting the vibe that this is secretly anti-woman propaganda. Like it follows every AITA post structure of "look at what an obviously good thing I'm doing, can you validate me that I'm right?" Except he's a man and we know they aren't socialized to capitulate to other people's (ESPECIALLY women's) asks. This post feels like it's purposely trying to invoke the crazy jealous girlfriend sterotype. I already know the comments are gonna tell him to leave anyway 🙄 this is a male dominated site after all
Could be, but too many women are falling for this banana peel on this very thread. Its true that mwn dont often capitulate to women demands; but any woman asking for this ask is setting herself up for Disney villany. She might win this battle but would lose the war.
I'm confused. Did they break up and then she passed? Or did they pass while they were together. I feel like it's weird to call a late girlfriend an ex gf.
Gonna go against the grain, but I would not ask him to remove the tattoo nor would I care. In fact, its rather tacky to even ask him to do that. Its implied that the dead woman may have been a cancer patient or some terminal desease, its the hight of tackiness to ask him to remove it. At some point, this is less about his attachment and more about the GF insecurity. Deleting the tattoo wont make her insecurity go away, if anything, now he has an extra reason to resent her and that shit will only get worse: hsr insecurity will only grow as his resentment mounts. This is a toxic time bomb.
She has 2 options: deal with it and stop feeling insecure against the ghost or move on with someone else. She is setting herself to fail if she keeps trying to compete against the ghost. Its not like yje ghost gives a fuck anyway, shes dead.
I know nothing about tattoo removal and it shows. Though 5 hours don't seem like much compared to their (now scraped?) plans to have a family, which tend to involve many more hours of pain for the woman. But ah, who am I kidding, most men would think their own pain is the much bigger deal.
It's a good point that asking someone to remove a tattoo was most likely never going to end well.
I can definitely see him holding it against her. As a "cudgel" as you say. Even without the tattoo actually getting removed. Just for asking, he'll hold it against her.
I think the ship has sailed on "deal with it" after all this. Her best option now is moving on from him for good.
Oooh, you know what he could have offered as an alternative to tattoo removal? Get a bigger tattoo that's about the girlfriend. In a higher position, like on the hip. Coulda woulda shoulda. Okay, maybe I'm just being silly 😁
Reading between the lines, there's more problems here than the tattoo. The "I love her dearly" comes off like he's trying to convince us "hey, I don't mistreat the girlfriend who is alive", then he went on and on about the dead ex. I can't blame alive girlfriend for feeling uneasy.
FYI tattoo removal is a cosmetic procedure done by a dermatologist that isnt covered by insurance. It takes several sessions to remove it because you must wait for the skin to heal between laser burnings. The results are lukewarm, there is always a faint outline left that you can cover up but doesnt really fade. We are looking at a 3k-5k thing, not as simple as putting pictures away in a box. Thats money for a wedding or a car.
And btw, if your boyfriend asked you to get a boob job to make him happy (10k at the cheapest) the bullshit would be more qpparent.
My philosophy is, when making demands for myself or other people, is to look at the price tag. If this shit is expensive, then take it seriously and dont let emotions dictate your decisition.
This is a no-win scenario for any woman who holds the standard of wanting her man to be head over heels in love with ::her:: instead of a ghost of a perfect 8th grader who made him a man…. Just walk, sis. Don’t ask why, don’t ask how, just GO.
He's an asshole for wasting 2 years of her life then trashing her to Preddit (if this is even true.) Because when I tell you the VAST majority of men actually don’t have this particular baggage complete with goddamn Magellanic penguin thigh tattoo. Like this is uniquely just plain insurmountable. 🙄 Sis, just Go!!
Actually ghost him since he's such a fan of that. In 10 years, maybe this current actual living gf he is fumbling will be his 2nd long lost love or whatever. 🙄🙄🙄 Remove dudes like this swiftly, no good can come from this level of nonsense. And I mean nonsense. He needs to permanently be in therapy from the sound of it.
Run, girl.
No way in hell I'd even date (let alone marry) a guy with his ex's name permanently etched on his body. That's the dream girl he wishes was still here, you're just the bang maid to wash his laundry while he pines for her and romanticizes their time together.
He's chosen, and it ain't you.
I personally wouldn't date someone with a dead spouse (if they were totally over them I'd wonder how dedicated they are as a person, and if they're not totally over them then who tf wants to be triangulated by a dead person who can do no wrong?). My supervisor's first wife died of cancer and I see how he intentionally or unintentionally triangulates his current wife and I'm not about that shit. It sucks to have a spouse die, but nobody's entitled to a partner and there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't end up putting you in this situation.
This is why I don’t like ANY tattoos about romantic partners. Whether it ends in death or a breakup (and there’s a 100% chance it will end one of those ways) everyone thereafter will feel triangulated. I can sort of see why he wants to keep it, but she should just leave him. She’ll never be better than this ghost. She can find someone whose exes are all living.
Can't relate to being more attached to a tattoo than a person I supposedly love and want to spend the rest of my life with. But to each his own.
I'm guessing the girlfriend was never comfortable with the tattoo (I wouldn't be either, so I get that).
She didn't ask about having it removed until now because... when would be a good time to do that? Absolutely not at the beginning of their relationship. After they've been dating a while? Still iffy. So at the point when they're talking marriage - looks like this is only option left.
She can ask, he can say no, she can leave if she doesn't like the answer. That all sounds like fair game to me.
The lesson I'm taking from this story is just walk away ASAP if a guy has a dead ex, and/or a tattoo I don't like. I can see how it wouldn't seem big enough to be a deal-breaker at first, but look at the mess it can turn into. Really don't need that kind of drama in my life.
I do wonder why he felt the need to post about it on the internet. Is he hoping to be reassured that the girlfriend is unreasonable and he'll find some other woman? I for one won't be reassuring him of that. She can likely find a new guy who doesn't have a tattoo about his ex. He's unlikely to find a woman who would be totally cool with being reminded of her spouse's ex every day. That's just how it is.
He's making it sound like she called him an asshole solely over his refusal to remove the tattoo - but I have the sneaking suspicion he left out a whole bunch of his asshole behaviour, and she had many more reasons to call him an asshole than he's letting on.
Big no from me. Dead people are considered saints and God help you if you ever say anything against them. He's widowed and he will always worship The One That Got Away.
She's dead, she's perfect, she can never make a mistake.
She’s been with him for 2 years, and is just now asking him to remove the tattoo? I think if it bothered her so much she should have left him well before she got too emotionally attached.
For me personally, I have no issue with tattoos as long as they’re nice and not trashy/tacky. But I would feel uncomfortable asking someone to remove a tattoo, especially one that is meaningful to him. To me it feels like it’s not my place. I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t over a dead spouse because I don’t want to be compared to someone he will always see as perfect. I think if it’s true that he’s gone to therapy and took time to heal and he says he’s healed from that experience then I wouldn’t have an issue with the tattoo.
But if it’s too much for her, then she should dump him. You can’t make someone change.
I would not be comfortable with it either because I would forever suspect that I was just a poor replacement for the one he really wanted. Like I'm filling the female-shaped hole in his life. If it has been a decade or so since the ex's passing, I might reconsider, but I'm not at the age where that is possible / likely.
I mean she wanted to marry him even after knowing of the dead ex baggage. If you're willing to stay for THAT how come you cannot accept a mere tattoo? Seems like another case of a woman trying to change a man, instead of getting one compatible with her. I see why that would bother her, but also it's kind of fucked up to want to dictate how a person has to grieve. Just find another man.
If she is that bothered by the tattoo, why keep dating him and talk about marriage with him if she knew it was dedicated to his ex?
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and she didn't know it was a tattoo dedicated to his ex until this discussion, if that is her boundary then walk away and don't marry him.
I don't think our personal stance on this matters as much as our willingness to stick to our boundaries and deal breakers. If this is your deal breaker, then walk away.
Having a deceased partner means I would want to do a lot of vetting to make sure they weren't still hung up on their past relationship, but the tattoo on its own wouldn't bother me. It sounds much more tasteful than just getting a name or something at any rate. Having different partners throughout your life is totally natural, especially if one of them died, and just because you remember and value the past doesn't mean you can't be invested in the present.
PS Wanted to put more thoughts because I don't want to come off as dismissing the concerns involved. Having a deceased partner is a red flag, and having a tattoo related to a past partner is a red flag. But every single man in existence has red flags. Frankly, being a man in a misogynistic society is itself a red flag. Figuring out how those potential concerns do or don't inform the behavior of a specific man is the point of the vetting process. And if a man was what I was looking for in the ways that matter, a tasteful tattoo memorializing a deceased past partner wouldn't change that for me.
PPS This is completely different than having a tattoo from a partner you broke up with. That just tells me you're a bad judge of the significance of commitment and would absolutely be a dealbreaker.
I'm not in a life phase where I want a widower or someone who's former partner died. I'm too young for that idgaf if they're my age or not.
Tattoos are becoming a deal breaker for me full stop. It gives good insight into who the man was when he got it, and honestly if they get a tattoo over something they are unlikely to grow past it- in fact I'd say that by getting a tattoo they're committing to never grow past it/let it go
I personally wouldn't but I think I theory it's fine.he says he's gone to therapy idk.
Also is anyone getting the vibe that this is secretly anti-woman propaganda. Like it follows every AITA post structure of "look at what an obviously good thing I'm doing, can you validate me that I'm right?" Except he's a man and we know they aren't socialized to capitulate to other people's (ESPECIALLY women's) asks. This post feels like it's purposely trying to invoke the crazy jealous girlfriend sterotype. I already know the comments are gonna tell him to leave anyway 🙄 this is a male dominated site after all
I'm confused. Did they break up and then she passed? Or did they pass while they were together. I feel like it's weird to call a late girlfriend an ex gf.
Gonna go against the grain, but I would not ask him to remove the tattoo nor would I care. In fact, its rather tacky to even ask him to do that. Its implied that the dead woman may have been a cancer patient or some terminal desease, its the hight of tackiness to ask him to remove it. At some point, this is less about his attachment and more about the GF insecurity. Deleting the tattoo wont make her insecurity go away, if anything, now he has an extra reason to resent her and that shit will only get worse: hsr insecurity will only grow as his resentment mounts. This is a toxic time bomb.
She has 2 options: deal with it and stop feeling insecure against the ghost or move on with someone else. She is setting herself to fail if she keeps trying to compete against the ghost. Its not like yje ghost gives a fuck anyway, shes dead.
This is a no-win scenario for any woman who holds the standard of wanting her man to be head over heels in love with ::her:: instead of a ghost of a perfect 8th grader who made him a man…. Just walk, sis. Don’t ask why, don’t ask how, just GO.
He's an asshole for wasting 2 years of her life then trashing her to Preddit (if this is even true.) Because when I tell you the VAST majority of men actually don’t have this particular baggage complete with goddamn Magellanic penguin thigh tattoo. Like this is uniquely just plain insurmountable. 🙄 Sis, just Go!!
Actually ghost him since he's such a fan of that. In 10 years, maybe this current actual living gf he is fumbling will be his 2nd long lost love or whatever. 🙄🙄🙄 Remove dudes like this swiftly, no good can come from this level of nonsense. And I mean nonsense. He needs to permanently be in therapy from the sound of it.