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I was dating an alcoholic addict and never knew about it until recently.
I met this person online & we clicked immediately. Everything was wonderful, it was the happiest & healthiest relationship I've been in. It started out by buying me expensive gifts, telling me how he knows I'm his person, telling me he wants to marry me and have a future with me, telling me how he wants to get better for me by getting a better job and trying to go back to school (He searched up options once & then he never spoke about it again), how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, met his family, he met mine, telling people I'm his wife months later into the relationship, supporting me financially for school which I'm always going to be thankful for, etc....
At some point, I started to notice that every time we would argue it would always end up with an excuse like "I'm sorry I acted this way but I've been going through a lot right now" at first...I didn't think too much of it and let it slide, then it kept happening in every argument. When we went to our first cruise together, he bought weed gummies and this was my first time consuming any type of weed. Long story short, I ended up going to the hospital, throwing up my guts away, having horrible panic attacks and I started wondering about my safety in the future with him.
Not too long ago, we went to a concert...everything was incredible until he started having beer & I'm like oh who he cares, we're here for a good time and we're going back in uber to go home. This is where it got interesting. When the concert ended, him and I needed to go to the bathroom but in the floor we were at, it was closed, the security told him nicely about it several times and theres bathrooms downstairs but he kept pushing at it. I told him to not stress it we will go downstairs; unfortunately the line was horrendously huge. So we decided to go to the bathroom at a local CVS, surprise, surprise, the bathrooms were "out of service" which obviously they weren't because a concert just happened nearby and I know it was to prevent a mess. I didn't care about it & just thought "Ok....where can we go to next" for me to hear one of the employees tell him it was out of service for me to hear "Yo brother, you know this is illegal right? This is a human right and you're taking that away. This is a lawsuit!!" Then mentioned it to another employee...I already felt embarrassed and just wanted to leave.
When we went looking for another place, at some point he let go of my hand and started speed walking, leaving me alone (Mind you it was already 11-12am in a not so safe area), for me to had to run to get to him. We ended up finding a restaraunt to try it out, two sweet ladies told him it was just for customers only, started disrespecting them, I noticed how scared they got & I just pulled him away, apologized to the ladies and left. When the uber arrived to take us home, he got in first and it felt like....he forgot I was behind him.
As we got home, he wanted to drive to his house drunk, I begged for him to stay and I thank God that I did, but he started crying telling me he feels like a failure, instead of comforting me because of how uncomfortable I was the entire night. He ended up leaving the next day after without telling me he loves me or even a good morning, just a "I need to go"....we didn't speak for several days, when we did, he confessed that he's been lying to me for all these months, that he's an addict. 8 months....8 months to tell me. I expressed to him how I felt, and I told him this was his last chance with me.
He ended up breaking up with me through video call last night, telling me how he doesn't deserve me, how his addiction is only going to get worse, told me how he hasn't been eating, or sleeping properly, his psoarias is flaring up these past few days & it made me feel like he wanted me to feel guilty over what he did, how he doesn't like it how i make him feel whenever we argue, apparently people told him it's not normal that we argue a lot but its like......why couldn't you address this to me as grown adults to work on things? He would also tell me how he can't see his life without me, he would fight for us because there's no way that he can't be without me....just to tell me I'm not his person and its best we go our separate ways. I had to hang up because it was just too painful for me, and ended up blocking him everywhere.
I was nothing but kind, constantly showing affection, being patient, accepting him who he is, loyal....I was even willing to be there for him to support him, because thats what partners do.....You don't just give up on someone.
Just for him to throw me away like that. He just threw me away like if I meant nothing anymore. I feel so incredibly stupid right now. I let someone take advantage of me, believing it was love.
Girl, he did you a favour. An alcoholic taking himself out of the equation is the kindest thing he could do for you. We don’t date addicts. I know you’re probably in a lot of pain right now and feel like you’ve lost someone “great”, but trust me, you’re gonna look at this after some time and be glad that you dodged a massive bullet. Not just an addict, but probably a narcissist as well because he loved-bombed you. Telling someone they’re their “wife” a couple of months in a relationship is not cute nor healthy. Glad the trash took itself out 👏
I've seen women describe this same scenario on other forums outside of FDS many times. When men make these big displays and proclamations of affection and commitment (even when he's paying for everything and meeting each other's families) it's never sincere.
They do it to look good, not just to the woman they're dating, or out of guilt for not really feeling that way about the woman so they overcompensate trying to convince themselves they do care about her. None of it excusable or deserves sympathy.
It's still self-motivated and wastes women's time. Don't ever care enough about a man where he could make you cry.
Even if he's been the perfect husband and father to you and your children for 20+ yrs. Your self respect must always outweigh your love for a man so it's easy to walk away if/when he screws you over.
Most men are self-loathing in spite of their entitlement and they don't think they deserve to be with someone who can actually stand them. They don't respect the woman who loves them because they could never respect anybody who loves someone as despicable as themselves.
This is why they chase bitches and treat mean women a lot better than women who do nice things for them. They never appreciate anything they didn't have to earn--which is why they use "catch" as a compliment.
Please don't give a fuck what men say or do to make you feel loved, just think about whether he's enhancing your life right now or not. When he stops enhancing your life, he doesn't deserve your presence anymore.
He has chosen to stop.
Its not that he's just an addict, its that he's an asshole and the signs unfortunately were there. As a recovering alcoholic, even when I was completely blacked out, I was never rude to customer service people who had to deal with me in that state. It's not like he suddenly forgot how to act right, he just felt more comfortable being himself.
The important thing to remember is we don't blame ourselves for who they are. Moving forward, maybe take some time to grieve, delve into and analyze your feelings. If you like, go back and read the handbook. It's not a bible by any means, but sometimes it helps to go back to the basics. It'll help expand and goes deeper into vetting and knowing when to walk away. I'm sorry he was an asshole, it hurts now but it will get better.
There is no trophy at the end of any relationship for "being kind." I don't even really believe his story about being an addict. It seems like a cop out, to me.
No need to be a martyr or "the nice girl" ever. It is never rewarded in any facet. Other women secretly admire women who stick up for themselves and men ONLY respect women who stick up for themselves.
Only "bitches" who exhibit that they fully understand their value and self worth are rewarded in this life.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic drug addict, who lied to me for YEARS about it, asked me to move in with him, then led me on for 16 months to keep me around while doing nothing to get his home ready for me to move in. In the end, he admitted he has substance abuse issues, I knew he’d been using more but hadn’t known it was all the time, I genuinely thought it was just excessive use on the weekend, but it turned out to be every day, even during work. He kept telling me he wanted to quit, was looking forward to making healthy changes in his life to have me live with him, was excited to be able to support me more once I lived there, etc. But then I came back from a sisters weekend and he had decided that actually, he didn’t want to be in a relationship at all. He was “too selfish” to be in a serious relationship, wasn’t “emotionally ready to move in together,” wasn’t “emotionally ready for a serious relationship” and didn’t know when or IF he ever would be.
Suffice it to say, I know the pain of this betrayal all too well.
So I just agreed with him, Yes you’re too selfish for me to be in relationship with, yes I was getting a strong feeling that you weren’t ready for your life to grow and evolve, yes you’re right I do deserve better. This environment wouldn’t have been healthy or supportive for my future plans and achieving my goals.
And then he cried about it when I went to get my stuff and leave his place.
And like you, I feel incredibly used and taken advantage of, because he spent 4 years misrepresenting himself and pretending that he wanted the same future that I do. He lied to my face repeatedly about the addictions. He pretended to be someone who he thought I would like, and then started panicking when he realized that if I moved in with him, he wouldn’t be able to keep up appearances anymore and I would see his deception and manipulation.
I’m still a bit heartbroken over it all, tbh. But I know I’m better off without him, because I would never have taken him seriously if I had known about his addictions in the first place.
Yuck. What a terrible person. I'm glad he exited your life voluntarily and didn't have to be forced to leave! Many relationships involving addicts involve cops, especially towards the end.
With 20/20 hindsight, do you think there were any signs of addiction in the early months?