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I noticed this book got referenced in the FDS handbook, it seemed like an FDS approved book so I went to read it seeking long term relationship advice.
My opinions on it are mixed. I'm all for prioritising yourself as a woman, learning to hold your own and not over compensating. It was nice to see that this not only benefits women but apparently makes decent men respect a woman more. She brought to light a lot of key differences between men and women (for example, women's goal is to settle, feel safe and have predictability, men's goal is to pursue and have a challenge with less predictability) which was interesting and helpful.
I have a few critiques though:
- It teaches women to change their behaviour to earn a mans respect
- It encourages women to stay silent and not nag, which comes off as gender role-ish (the book has aged poorly)
- She tells women to play dumb ("the dumb fox") in order to secretly get "power"
- She tells women to stroke a mans ego in order to get him to do chores for you
- Often says its not about playing games, when it seems really like it is? One anecdotal example was a woman being unhappy about her man going to a strip club, so instead of being angry she pretended she was going to be a stripper which made him change his mind about going to them - this seems insane lol.
- Casually explains that a man may resort to "shifting blame" which is gas lighting - not acknowledging that this is toxic.
- Basically, it makes you as a women feel responsible for everything a man does. Like men disrespect you because you are too nice, not because THEY have issues.
It's strange because it feels empowering and reinvents the meaning of "bitch" but also is telling you to behave how he wants you to, not say anything is wrong and do the things that we typically don't like when men do it. I appreciated her quote at the end - all you have is your dignity and people in everyday life will try to strip you of your confidence if you let them.
The fact that men hide this information from women, like she reported from her interviews, because they will lose their power and control over women was disheartening 😔 If men have all these secrets and turn ons why does a woman need to write a book about this, its low key petty.
If anyone has read it, do you agree with the strategies? Does no contact pull a man back and grab his attention? Did you find it contradictory?
On your critiques: 1. men respond to behavior and consequences, not words. I think the book was trying to get women to stop explaining to men with their words why they deserve basic respect. After internalizing the principles (very rules-y principles), I realized I was turned off by men who didn't act right. The book helped me go from words to behaviors which gave me the SPACE to actually think about how I felt about this man .. not obsessing and debating how he should treat me etc. 2. More of the same-staying silent is to preserve your energy, not to appease him. When you withdraw, you can be with yourself and your thoughts instead of writing him a text dissertation on why you deserve basic respect. 3. Yes, it is less stress, less danger and less hassle to simply play dumb. That doesn't mean you need to stay with a guy. For example, a guy doesn't call when he says he will. A non rulesy woman might call HIM, or wait by the phone all evening crying, or when he finally does call she calls him right back immediately and gives him her list of why it hurt her feelings, why he should "value" her more-this accomplishes nothing, he already told you with his actions what he thinks of you and no amount of NoT pLaYiNg GaMeS will change how he feels or get him to act right. On the contrary, it will cause you stress to have to mommy life coach him, and he will know he has you on lock and can treat you however he wants. If you "play dumb", you just turn your phone off 15 minutes after he said he would call, go out and do something fun and don't look at your phone until 6pm the next day. He doesn't get to own your time, your emotions. By 6pm he'll either realize he f*cked up and apologize, and you can "play dumb" by saying "oh I assumed you fell asleep, I went and did something fun". I can see what you mean that you don't want to lie, or devalue yourself, but it's more so the fact that if you give him a big angry lecture you'll accomplish nothing and he'll know that you wait on his every breath which DOES diminish your power. Honestly in the time your phone was off by 6pm you'll probably realize you are sick of this unreliable scrote rather than waiting with baited breath for him to "make it up to you and call you back". The space is for YOU not for him. And to make him realize oh she actually might not give a fuck about me I better act right if I don't want to lose her. I think this is for well meaning guys, not assholes. For me, even when I was "super direct" it was less satisfying to see him ghost and be like "okay bitch" than to make him sweat, make him be the one to follow up. It made me feel like the only adult in the room to have to be the one to follow up on basic decency. You know? Like fuck off buddy two can play at that game. And honestly just block them when they don't act right. 4. Yes, ego stroking works. You'll have a better relationship if you do this versus "nag". Let's say he really is a good guy, your relationship WILL do better if you approach from positive reinforcement than nagging. Let your pride go for this one. It's better for me to have a less tense relationship (this is a little bit playing dumb-but it works in your favor) by stroking his ego. Honestly, just like a dog, use positive reinforcement lol. You could try it the other way but it deteriorates relationships fast and if you're a straight woman it is frustrating to have relationship after relationship where the guy grows cold because you're "so tense". A little bit of mind fuckery is okay in my book. Honestly, all men are little boys inside who crave hearing what a good job they've done lmao. 5. That stripper example is genius by the way, very funny. These suggestions assume you want to continue to date the man, you're welcome to dump him. Yes it might seem like playing games but I don't know how old you are, but the straightforward blunt tactics don't really work to get results. I mean, sure go ahead and try. But I've been in relationships where it seemed like the whole relationship was me teaching him how to be a decent boyfriend. I'd rather dump him or use creative ways to get him to come to these conclusions on his own, I'm not his mom/dating coach/therapist and he doesn't want you to be one either. 6. It's a women's strategy book. Men don't read self help books LMAO. If you prefer to do things your own way, go ahead and tear up the book, I just got tired of doing it my way after ten years of failure. It was EXHAUSTING to try to lecture men into treating me properly. Why men love bitches also left me unsatisfied until I read other books like "All The Rules" and "Not Your Mother's Rules" -Ellen Fein Sherry Schneider, and "He's just Not that into you", and other Greg Behrendt titles. It's really a holistic approach to get you to take the focus off the man and onto yourself while critically evaluating his behaviors, rather than trying to teach a man to treat you right. The books are written to help women who will talk to a man for an hour on the phone crying because he forgot valentine's day. The books are to help women realize " look, he either likes you or he doesn't. And if he doesn't act right, don't lecture him either walk away or take actions that will save your energy and lead him to come to the conclusions you would have otherwise lectured him into"
The way I see it is, men do have issues. And the world is unfair. The world is full of patriarchy. The thing is how do you survive in this patriarchal world and come out victorious? Victory looks different to everyone but do you want to come out of this world still be reading dating books when you’re in your 60s scratching your head as to why men don’t respect you, or do you want to come out of this world with dozens of HVM to choose from. In the workplace, I know certain behaviour don’t warrant respect as much as others. I could still “be myself” as much as I want to, but I know I wouldn’t get as far ahead if I had “change my behaviour to win respect” Just a general take. I don’t recall exactly how the book writes it, if some suggestions sound dumb then ignore it. But I think it can serve as a reminder that “just be yourself” might be the worst advice sometimes.
Men are responsible for their own behaviour and nothing a woman does or says causes it. He either respects women as a class of people, or he doesn't. And he either respects you as a person or he doesn't. If he treats you disrespectfully, you don't need to do anything other than leave, because he's told you what he thinks about you deep down and nothing you could ever do will change that.
The only thing books like these really need to get through to women is that you can leave a man for any reason and it's ok to do so. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Leave him because of his job or his hobbies or because you don't like the shape of his toes.You can do whatever you want with your life and your body and your emotions and it's no one's business but your own. Get used to saying "I do what I want" when people question your actions and nothing more.
I am mainly tired of all the dating advice that basically says to treat your guy like a 5-year-old. Always stroke his ego: don't ever nag him; don't ask him to do things lest he throws a tamptrum; act like a damsel in distress so he'll finally unclog the damn sink or whatever; play mind games with him if he starts becoming distant - if he starts being at home less, do the same so that he'll finally miss you.