Sometimes I just feel socially inept and I'm reaching out to you beautifully bad-ass, like-minded women for some advice.
I'm staying with a friend, we get along well, life is good.
I like going out. I like going out to eat, to museums, taking fitness classes, fillling my life with experiences.
Friend wants to join. Awesome, love it. I often do things by myself, certainly don't mind the company.
There's a bar I wanted to check out, did my research on bars in the area, this one had super cool vibes. Hadn't been out in a while and wanted to treat myself out. (At a bar, I have one or two cocktails maybe chat with the bartender, and then read a book, nothing crazy.) I invite her, she says yes--except she's taking a break from drinking for a couple months and wants me to wait.
I just...think that's ridiculous. Two months? I'm going to the bar, we can go again when she's done with her break. Nothing against taking an alcohol break, I just don't think I should limit myself because she's doing that.
Is this crappy of me? Is the first question, I guess.
I told her they also have mocktails, or she could go just for the vibe, but she wants to wait. I said sure, we'd go when she was done with her break, and I went to the bar by myself. She got her feelings hurt, I didn't mean that, but I don't want to wait two months to go check something out.
Similar thing happens, there's a restaurant I want to try. I do the research, I picked the restaurant, I invite her. She's excited, we go there, then she says it's too expensive and she wants to go somewhere else. I was annoyed--this was the restaurant I wanted to go to. Dishes were like $20-$25 a person, I didn't think it was that expensive, but now I know it's not in her price range.
So I'm feeling like in part, we have different views on what we value spending our money on. She wants to join me, and expresses hurt when I do things without her, but at the same time...she doesn't like the places I'm going!
How do I get through to her that I'm not trying to be hurtful, but there's a quality/class of place I like to check out, and if she's not down, then don't come, and don't try to prevent me from going! We can ALSO go to other, cheaper places, that's fine, but I don't think I should limit myself??
I'm just confused. What am I missing here?
If I knew someone was purposefully not drinking I would never invite them to a bar.
If I was staying with someone I would often pay for our entire dinner out, especially if it was 1 she could not normally afford.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. If you spend your time waiting for others you'll never do anything.
Sounds like kicking the planning over to her might alleviate some issues. Then she can pick activities and meals within her budget that suit her lifestyle. That puts you in the position of saying yes or no instead of her shitting on what you want to do.
You're definitely not inept and I understand where you're coming from. You're right that you don't need to limit yourself for her. I'm not her, but trying to take a possible perspective of hers here, it may come across like you don't actually want her company, you just want to do expensive / upscale stuff and her being there is optional. Of course, it is in a way, because you're obviously perfectly capable of going to places and enjoying them by yourself. But in relationships of any kind we want to feel important, and seen / heard. If you tell her "yeah okay if you don't wanna I'm just going alone" it can come across as dismissive, even though that's not your intention. I too sometimes felt like I was just a prop or an accessory for certain friends and the purpose of us meeting was not actually to spend time together. Sure, it might be a little insecure on her part to feel this way in the face of your independence, but maybe some reassurance that you do want to spend time with her specifically, no matter the price range, might help.
Does she invite you out? I don't think it was unreasonable for her to decline going to the bar when she is trying not to drink. Coming from a family of alcoholics, I know it is hard to actually not drink if you are surrounded by other people who are, especially in an environment where drinking is the expectation. I also don't think it was unreasonable for her to decline going to the more expensive restaurant. I have friends like this and it does get discouraging not being able to do things with them because we just aren't aligned in our values of what we find fun or enjoy spending our money on. I frequently go to concerts alone for example because I don't have any friends who are into live music or would spend money on tickets. But what I don't understand is how your friend gets upset with you if you choose to do those things anyway. Yes, it sounds like you have different values, but that doesn't automatically make them a bad friend or anything. It just means you should find other friends who are more aligned with you, and perhaps find something you and this particular friend enjoy doing together that you can both agree on.