A while ago I made this post about a girl who I thought would become my friend because she was being really nice to me: https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/family-friends/i-hope-i-don-t-mess-up-this-friendship. It turned out it was just false hope. While I guess I still do consider her my "friend" if I stretch the definition of a friend enough, I can't help but be disappointed. She made plans with me to get coffee and then study together. Then she cancelled them because she was "too busy." I asked her to reschedule for a different day. Then we got coffee on a different day, but then she said she had to leave early and couldn't stay for a study session. She said she was going on a date (it was just a second date with a guy who she didn't know very well and met on a dating app). Sure, she doesn't know me that well either. But she didn't make it clear to me before that she would be leaving early. And why did she make plans to go on a date when she knew she was going to be hanging out with me anyway? Also she was really tired and low-energy when we were hanging out, and I felt like I had to make all the effort to sustain the conversation. And she didn't talk much until I asked her about the guy she was going on a date with. Then suddenly she didn't seem so low-energy any more. I texted her the next day to let her know I had a good time with her (even though I didn't to be honest lol but at least it was better than social isolation which makes me depressed. Also I am trying not to judge her so harshly. We are not close friends, so I guess she felt like she didn't owe me much effort since we don't know each other that well). Then I asked her how her date went, thinking she might reply to this. But she didn't even reply. It's been like a week. She literally doesn't care. There's no follow-up to see each other again or anything like that.
I guess I could see why maybe I sound entitled here. But the thing is, if someone is a close friend and they've known me for years, I don't really get anxious when they cancel plans because I know it's for a good reason and they genuinely wanted to see me. They've given me reassurance and proven themselves to be trustworthy over several years. When it's a new friend, I get more anxious when they cancel plans because I'm not sure if I really want to be a close friend to them yet, and they're basically giving them more reasons not to trust them and let them into my inner circle. Does that make sense?
Also, lately I've been doing a lot of socialization. I trained for a 5 km run (okay I know 5 km isn't a lot, but I was pretty out of shape before training for it). This introduced me to a lot of other people, and now I've gotten more consistent with doing cardio exercise. I've been going out for lunch/dinner with classmates and other people. But I don't think anyone particularly likes me. They just think I'm kind of mediocre to hang out with I guess.
I've been wearing really colourful clothes lately, making sure my hair looks nice, being friendly and bubbly and asking people a lot about themselves, making jokes, etc. If I feel anxious or depressed, I try really hard to hide it. And I've been sleeping well, taking my vitamins, etc.
I literally feel like I've tried everything at this point to be likeable and none of it is working. I don't have friends. I just have people who I hang out with. But they're not friends. They just hang out with me because they're bored. They don't actually care about me or prefer my company over that of others.
Do I just have to give it more time? Like maybe I really just have to be more patient, idk. Or maybe I need to lower my standards for friendships? I just feel so hopeless right now.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Hugs to you. But it's definitely a her thing, not a you thing.
Because she's centering men in her life, that's why. Try not to take this personally - she probably would have done the same thing with anyone.
I've been exactly where you are now. I made sure to always be bubbly and happy around people. If I was feeling bad for whatever reason, I did my best to hide it, 'cause that's what I thought was the right thing to do. To my surprise and disappointment that made all my friendships very superficial. I was still very lonely. I could've been in a room full of people and still feel lonely and miserable because I wasn't able to be my authentic self. Growing up with abusive parent(s) makes you believe that you need to earn love and hide all your negative emotions because that's what you had to do as a child in order to get love and affection from them. Turns out that real love is not transactional, it's unconditional. Your parents did not love you unconditionally like they're supposed to do and you need to mourn that. Non abusive people are actually interested what's really going on in your life, the good AND the bad, with no strings attached.
I'm saying this with nothing but love because I've been in your shoes: you might be trying too hard and people can sense it. If you're not feeling bubbly you don't need to act like it. I know it feels unfair and counter intuitive because that's all you've known, but trust me with this one. (Obviously don't be vulnerable with anyone because trust is earned, but after that.) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is an excellent book, I strongly recommend it.