WARNING: These are HANDBOOK POSTS -- WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO by some great women with great thoughts and deemed as handbook worthy by FDS mods for a reason. If you feel triggered or disagree with something -- THE SMART THING TO DO IS TO MOVE ON. Agree to disagree and go on your merry way. Stop trying to start bullsh*t in the comment section because I have no patience to deal with you.
Originally posted in FDS subreddit. All rights reserved to the original writer.
Best dating advice I ever got was from my mom: NEVER get involved with a man who has not lived by himself. And if he does live by himself, he needs to be doing a good job of it.
Apart from FDS, the single greatest piece of dating advice I have ever received was from my mom:
Never get involved with a man who has never lived by himself. And if he does have his own place, check that he has developed healthy adult habits such as cleaning up after himself, doing his own laundry, cooking healthy meals at home, etc.
Because, if he has only ever lived with his parents, he will vastly underestimate how much work it takes to manage a household. He will minimize your household contributions (or literally just choose not to see them), but then he'll do dishes ONCE and expect a parade.
Him doing 5% of the work when you do 95% is equivalent to 50/50 in his mind.
If you move in with someone who is used to mommy cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for him, in his mind, YOU are his new female caregiver. He thinks this type of work is beneath him, and if you fail to cheerfully serve him, he will think YOU are the defective one.
He will gripe about how hard it is, while simultaneously thinking this type of stuff just comes easier or more naturally to women and that is why he shouldn't have to do it.
He will either
1) have no idea how to do simple tasks like turn on an oven, chop vegetables, or wash fragile dishes, or
2) do it so badly and slowly and break your things to ensure you never ask him to do it again, or
3) put up so much resistance that you decide it's not worth the effort trying to convince him and that it's easier to just do it yourself.
Or, some combination of all three!
Lastly (and this is the most important one), if he does live by himself, make sure to evaluate how well he is doing on his own.
If his place is messy, if he leaves dirty dishes in the sink for days at a time, if he leaves dirty clothes on the floor wherever he dropped them, if he brings his laundry to his parent's house for his mom to clean on the weekends, or if he only cleans when he is expecting you to come over by shoving everything into the closet and not actually cleaning anything, he needs more time by himself to figure it out.
The key term here is HABITS: does he have healthy HABITS, meaning these acts become automatic and therefore easier to do on a regular basis. Him doing one good thing every once in a while but only if you heap a ton of pressure on him is NOT the same things as having healthy habits.
After 20 years of marriage, my mom asked my father why he asked her to marry him, and he said "I was tired of doing my own laundry". He was not joking. They are now divorced.
My mom wanted me to know this so that I don't make the same mistake she did, and now I am sharing this will all of you.
Ladies, it is not your responsibility to teach a boy how to be a man. He's not your child, you are not his mother, he needs to figure out how to be an adult on his own.
No amount of pressure, communication, couples therapy, etc. will make him change if he doesn't want to. It is easier to be single and responsible for taking care of yourself ONLY, than to be in a relationship where you are responsible for yourself and a 200 lb manchild.
Edit: One point I forgot to mention is that if you are already in a relationship/marriage with a man like this, WALK AWAY. He will not change, no matter how much communication begging, compromise, or marriage counseling you do. If you are already doing the overwhelming majority of domestic labor, he has no incentive to change. He is already accustomed to enjoying female servitude, it is in his best interests for this arrangement to continue, and he will do anything and everything to maintain his male privilege.
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