Mods/whoever: This post got a lot of traction in FemaleLevelUpStrategy previously and so I wanted to re-upload it here. I really struggled with which category to put it in. If this doesn't really go with the direction of this website, feel free to delete it or let me know and I will delete it :)
When I was just a wee pick-me starting to open her eyes, I knew that I was going to need to divorce the hairy ball sack that attached itself to me. It was scary – not because I didn’t want to be without him, I was so ready to move on with my life, but the stigma of divorce seemed to fall square on my shoulders. As a high achieving perfectionist, this felt like a “blow” I would never recover from. Hearing others stories really helped me and so I wanted to make a list for the women out there who are currently where I was. Here is the list of things I learned when divorcing a scrote.
You didn’t fail.
Read that again. And again. Marriage is not a job that you have been fired from. Marriage is not a class in which you couldn’t make grade. Marriage is a relationship between two people and if the other person isn’t holding up their end of the bargain – LEAVE. Society may tell you different so stop looking at it for validation and start looking inward. There’s definitely something to be said for “making a marriage last” but if you are on your third therapist and nothing is improving, maybe you should stop wasting your precious time on this earth and start moving on.
The name change.
I was so afraid to change my name. At my job we use last names a lot and they are part of our work emails. I was going to have to admit to everyone at worked that I FAILED (see previous point). Turns out, really, no one cares. The woman I was most embarrassed to tell – an older woman that I admired and respected – actually opened up about the fact that SHE had been divorced! It ended up deepening our bond. Trust me on this, the people that mind don’t matter and the people who matter won’t mind. No one commented except to open up about their own experiences or to apology if they accidentally used my old name.
Telling the fam.
I’m gonna be real with you guys, I chickened out on this one. I am very close with a particular aunt and my mom and I told them and then asked them to tell the extended family. I basically said to let Grandma and others know that I am going through a divorce but I am sensitive about it right now and please to not bringing it up during the upcoming holiday. Of course, some of my family are kind of jerks but it was easier to get through than I imagined. Once I ripped the bandaid off and had my cry, talking about it wasn’t a big deal anymore. Its YOUR divorce, plan it out on YOUR terms if you can.
Ahhhh! I couldn’t believe I’d have to go in front of a judge. I’m a good person! With a good record! They are going to judge me! Guess what? The judge sees divorces ALL the time. Just don’t be an a** and they will probably be grateful you aren’t a dramatic person. I made some friends wait outside while I “did the deed” so upon walking out with my ex, I was swooped away by wonderful women for a delicious dinner and a few too many drinks. Why was I so worried again?
Getting your sh*t together.
But my insurance! The car that’s in both our names! Car insurance! Cell phone plans! OMG where am I gonna live? Deep breath. One step at a time. I’m not going to lie, this isn’t all easy and it isn’t all fun. Make a list and start working on it, one item a day. You are a smart, capable adult. You’ve got this. Trust me, it is all worth it in the end.
Are you STILL on social media? Its 2021! Delete! Not having social media was a huge relief during this part of my life. One of my good friends kept hers throughout her divorce and was terrified of the announcement/name change (though I would ask yourself, who do you owe this announcement too?). She sat down with her sister, did the deed, and then promptly closed the computer and went out for the night. Unsurprisingly, she said no one really commented and it wasn’t as big of a deal as she thought it would be. Truly a recurring theme.
The new you list.
This is something I recommend – the moment you are thinking of a divorce, start the “new you” list. I started writing down things I had never done or hadn’t done in a long time due to my marriage. I bought bright red lipstick and wore it out. Got heels without worrying I would be “too tall.” Painted my nails a vibrant, feminine shade I’d never tried before. Tried rock climbing at a gym, did a 5k, went kayaking, met new friends, read a new book. Focus on growing that list, not reminiscing about old times. Live in the moment. Think about the future. Just for now, try not to be in the past. You can revisit it later once you and your future self are all set.
At the end of it all, I found myself with an immense amount of gratitude. Read about the history of women’s independence. Our foremothers fought hard so we can be independent and can get divorced. The old “back in my day marriage lasted” meant a lot of women in violent, loveless marriages who couldn’t get out like you can. Divorce was once such a scary concept. Now I think of it as a friend to my independence.
I know that my situation is very different than others. I had a supportive family and no children. I have talked to women whose family’s weren’t supportive and who had to deal with legal and custody issues. This is just the start of your journey – there are resources and supports out there. You probably know more people who have been through this than you realize. If you are sitting somewhere out there reading this thinking that there’s no way you can go through with it. Girl, you deserve better. You deserve happiness.