So, I’ve sadly grown up surrounded by people who neglected themselves and important issues in their lives, fled from their traumas, drowned their worries in alcohol, etc. I truly feel like a “cycle breaker” among my relatives who by and large refuse to acknowledge how fucked up their pasts (and sometimes their current realities) are. I met a few high-achieving people at college, but I was very young then and many of them were older and more mature than me and therefore not that interested in friendships with me. Of all people with whom I frequently interacted and were living great lives on the outside, every one had at least one area of their lives which was utterly falling apart, or a major character flaw (in men, it was mostly being raging misogynists). I’ve started to ask myself who really “has it together”, who is actually healthy or at least healthy enough to continuously improve on their weak areas, and where do I meet these people? I have been disillusioned with academic types, but maybe I haven’t been looking in the right place.
We all know our environment influences us a lot and I feel like I’m fighting the bad influence every day, the influence of people not committed to bettering themselves and their lives, who have just given up and indulge their bad habits without much thought. I have my plan of how to level up, but I’m finding it hard to find people who are in a similar place. The classic self-improvement bubble is full of douches who want to “hack their productivity” and whatnot, and who glorify their version of hard work above all else.
Do I expect too much of people? Do you have any examples of people you know who are adults (late 20s, early 30s) and do well in the major areas in life, like
a stable career with decent work-life-balance and healthy ambitions (no workaholics)
part of a network of supportive friends and relatives, not just superficial relationships
a clean and organized home
openness and kindness
healthy eating and exercise habits, no drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviors
a range of fulfilling hobbies
a broad intellectual horizon and a zest for lifelong learning
emotional maturity and ability to reflect their feelings and behaviors
the ability to change course in their lives if they need to, not resting on their laurels
a healthy and positive view of the world, humbleness and gratitude, no victim mindset, no misogyny/racism etc.
no major trauma or mental health issues, and if they do, it’s well-controlled and doesn’t interfere too much with the rest of this list
I have yet to meet a person, male or female, who checks all the boxes. I myself don’t check all the boxes, hence the desire to level up. I know every person is a work in progress, but I can’t help but wonder if there are indeed people who have either already reached a high level in those areas, or are at least very committed to becoming a well-rounded person who doesn’t sacrifice one area too much over the other. Which amount of experience and progress do you think a person has to have under their belt to increase the chances that they’re going to succeed in the future?
There’s probably no quick or easy answer to this, but I’d appreciate your input. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who still believes change is possible and hasn’t gotten too complacent.
I went through something similar ten years ago. I'd just left an abusive family of origin, a string of abusive relationships, and a cult. Seriously, I was surrounded by horrible people from birth.
Short answer: People with their shit together are out there, but it's a matter of time, meeting a lot of people (it's a numbers game), and continually working on your own shit.
I met better people as soon as I left all the abusers, but looking back now, I realize even the better people still kinda sucked which is no surprise because my own headspace wasn't great.
As I worked on myself (including trauma therapy), I naturally found better people, for a bunch of reasons...
I became more emotionally available while tolerating less shit, which meant I gravitated to people with healthy boundaries.
It became a reinforcing process, because once you find one awesome person, you'll probably meet all their friends, and birds of a feather flock together.
My successes built on top of each other, personally and professionally. I began to quickly discern which activities and social circles were the best use of my time, and how quickly to let go of dead ends. My growing reputation also got me into increasingly better circles with more opportunities.
Idk if this helps, or if it resonates with anything you're noticing right now. It's hard to give more targeted advice without knowing exactly what you're doing (or not doing).