I've started in my new department in my male dominated field and between the trauma of my job hopping
- Sexually harassed at Lowe's like five times by men and women. Also gossiping from old women? Also vindictive bosses.
- getting sexually harassed at FedEx, like immediately.
-A hardware store consisting of only 3 mentally ill men that hardly trained me on anything because they wanted to control the work they weren't doing.
My new job is so wonderful but my trauma is like eating away at my brain and I'm kinda douchey to men, I can't concentrate on my training because I don't feel good enough to be treated with respect and I'm basically anticipating harassment. I'm on edge and I'm scared that this perfect job is just going to come crashing down on me. My job requires a lot of math and I'm getting overwhelmed during training, I can do it but I've met so many people (men obviously) who have treated me like I can't fuckin do anything right (after not training me of course.) and it's psyching me out when I'm trying to learn shit.
Not to mention my creepy roommate downstairs, it's all breaking me down and I've been very emotional lately. I miss being confident in everything and not man hatey and paranoid.
Sometimes wording everything out into a public post that's meant to be read helps me deal with my problems.
I think the best solution is moving away from this overpriced trashland but I gotta pay off my debt first 😔 and the job I'm panicking about is the step to doing that.
I used to have absolutely nothing at 20 and I'm just panicking that if I mess one thing up I'll revert everything WITH debt. Looking for jobs is traumatic, dealing with men is traumatic. Even getting my license involved dealing with shitty biased men and scammy schools. I'm just panicking that I'm going to somehow lose it all and I still can't accept that I'm in a decent spot right now and I feel really bad because my trainer is really nice and my coworkers are really nice and I'm worried that my crying in the bathroom is showing that I can't handle my job or that I'm not grateful or something. Also one of my bosses gives me weird vibes and it reminds me of retail where they fake smile and talk shit right after, I just feel like I'm in a time loop of only the crappiest things that have ever happened to me.
I can't even look at my body in a mirror without thinking about men who have bothered me, it's like they're bundled up in a ball judging me and I hate it.
I drank over the weekend and I think it fucked with my gut bacteria or something because I'm so sad, angry and worried all the time about weird shit these past few days.
I think you might need trauma therapy.