So I've been feeling super depressed, lonely and having suicidal thoughts. About a month ago, I got a blood test done to see if I was deficient in any nutrients (someone on FDS suggested this). It turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency and I also have high blood sugar so I'm at risk of type 2 diabetes. Since then, I haven't been eating any candy, cake, chocolate, etc. or any bread that isn't whole grain. I haven't been drinking anything except water and milk. I've been taking vitamin D, omega 3 supplements and multivitamins. And I go to the gym twice a week. I start each day with 10 minutes of meditation, stretching and reviewing some vocabulary flashcards for an endangered language I am learning (which I do longer study sessions for whenever I have the time). I dress a little better than I used to too now, and I try to maintain a haircare and skincare routine. I also sleep at a reasonable time.
Honestly, while doing all this stuff feels good in the moment, I still have mental breakdowns and cry a lot and I also still feel ugly, hate myself, and I know I'm annoying and boring and no one wants to be my friend. No one cares about me. Like sure I have old high school friends who invite me to do stuff with them (go shopping, hang out on their birthdays, etc.) and I have classmates in my grad school program who ask me to study with them or get coffee or something. I don't have any friends from undergrad cause i was just depressed and suicidal for 4 years straight so I didn't make any friends during that time. But if we're being real, none of these people really care about me and they only talk to me cause they're bored.
When am I actually going to have real friends?? I literally just want to be liked. And it feels so unfair that I have to put in all this effort to get noticed when it doesn't even work anyway. Sure, I'm getting physically healthier. But getting healthier when I want to kill myself is weird to me. Like I feel like I'm just prolonging my suffering by doing things that increase my lifespan. Maybe now I won't get diabetes if I keep doing all this. But I'll still be fucking depressed. What's the point of all this? Sometimes I literally just want to eat an entire chocolate cake by myself or something since i used to use sugar as a coping mechanism and now I can't even have the one thing that used to actually make me happy. When people would ignore me or be mean to me, I'd just eat donuts by myself to feel better. Now I just have to sit there feeling like shit.
I also still get obsessively attached to people. However, I've tried to view these obsessions as mental illness rather than love/attraction. When I view them the same way as a sugar addiction or social media addiction or something, it makes it easier for me to quit them cold turkey the way you would with smoking or drugs or something once you muster the willpower. For example, I was really obsessed with this girl who I met in undergrad who would barely text me or hang out with me. I decided I would simply never text her again until she texted me first. She hasn't texted me in over a month I think, so yeah I guess she's not in my life any more and if she does show up again I might just block her number for the sake of my inner peace. And I was getting attached to a classmate because I thought he was much smarter and better looking than me, so I was getting an inferiority complex from talking to him since he was just better than me in every way. So I cancelled the friend request I sent him on Discord and now I decided I'm going to avoid the spot where I liked studying (since it happened to be his favourite study spot as well) and find a new study spot and just pretend he doesn't exist. Unfortunately, he's also in a class where we have to do group work and we're not allowed to pick our groups so I just have to pray I don't get assigned to a group with him. I hate being around people who are so much better than me and make me overthink if I'm acting too creepy or intense around them.
I used to be tempted to completely socially isolate since I get too many mental health issues from interacting with people and they make me feel bad about myself. But now I try to make small talk with people. I just try to view them as NPCs instead of friends, that way they can't really hurt me. I talk to my roommates and they give me suggestions for recipes. One of them recommended a guided meditation app to me that I use now. But I don't go out of my way to do stuff with them since I know it's not going to be reciprocated and only let me down. One of them even has similar interests to me and said she wants to go to an art gallery with me, but I've realized now that sometimes people just say "We should do X activity together" but they're only doing that to be nice and don't actually mean it. Plus if you ever ask them to do the thing with you they just make excuses and don't actually do it. So I need to have very low expectations from people, or else I'm going to get disappointed. I just hope my life gets better because I'm so full of hatred and resentment that I find life pretty intolerable right now.
Do you give yourself rest and do you let out anger in a healthy way?