I don't know if this is allowed - copied straight from a reddit post: (Mods please let me know)
I (31m) have a 4, almost 5 year old child.
Unplanned child. Supportive families. Financially stable. Home owners. Healthy relationship. Since had a vasectomy.
I see a lot of questions on these posts so the above should cover most as I'm binning this account immediately after posting.
Basically Title. Almost since the day my child was born I knew this wasn't for me. I've tried, I have truly tried to enjoy it, to be a good parent and to support my child.
She has a good life, has everything she needs and wants(without spoiling her). I'm strict with very few rules, just listen and be honest. She doesn't listen. She is honest. She refuses to listen to most of what myself and my partner say to her. Pick up X, - "no". Not hard requests at all but she will point blank refuse. This is one of the very few examples, I'm not going to post all of her bad behavior this post isn't about that.
She is horrible to the both of us for no reason. Genuinely horrible. I can tell my partner doesn't like being a parent either, she hasn't directly said that but I know. I've told her I hate it, everything about it. Less freedom, less money, less social time with others and as a couple. Stress. The stress is unreal. I have never really felt real, heart-weaking stress until she was born but it is now relentless. Some days I cannot stand to be around her, her voice will stress me out, the constant moaning, whinging, needing, crying and sass.
I appreciate and understand your child needs your love and support and that's why we both give that. If we were cruel parents I'd somewhat understand her behavior but - and it may not sound like it given this post - we are good parents. I'd never take away her childhood or purposely upset her, I understand how that can change a child.
If it was my choice I'd never see her again. Harsh I know, possibly unforgivable. I would never leave or put her into care, I know how unfair that is, she isn't doing this on purpose, she doesn't know the pain she causes.
But honestly, I hate being a parent. I'd do anything to have my old life back, the one where we had freedom, was happy and enjoyed waking up each morning and always looking forward to the next day. Monday is now better than Saturday for us as it's quiet in the house, we can have a conversation without the 'noise', the absolute constant 'noise' of it all.
We have support, my patents have her some weekends and her partners too. We have breaks from her but it's never enough, it doesn't undo what we have to go back to.
Also, I understand a lot of children are probably like this and others may feel the same. Some parents have it a lot harder than I do and I sympathize. I truly do. I understand my situation really is not that bad in sight of the rest of the world. But I hate it, I cannot stand it. I'm no longer the happy individual I was, I'm miserable inside.
I share my emotion, I've broken down in front of my parent and parents separately, I don't keep it in. 99% of the time I keep it positive, you have to. The situation is what it is, I can't change it.
I've tried a lot to change how I feel, I do not like feeling like this. I wish I wanted her by my side 247, I honestly do, this isn't a nice feeling and I don't want any sympathy.
I don't think I will ever enjoy being a parent, maybe when she grows into a nicer individual and starts to understand life more. A part of me knows it will get better. But I hate this. I absolutely hate how I feel about life.
I think getting this off my chest has helped? I've expressed this before but not publicly. Thanks for listening I suppose?
Deep breathes help...
Also, I don't need professional help, I'm not suicidal. I'm just deeply unhappy with being a parent, it isn't fun for me. I know there will be a day it turns around but a happy future doesn't change a present me.
I give kudos to him for at least have the guts enough to acknowledge this -- but many, many other men feel the same way about their own children, but choose to bottle it all up and make the entire family suffer for generations.
This is the classic case of a man stuck in his "free as a bird" phase and just don't want to accept the responsibility and grow with it. Because I will tell you now the mother probably feel the same at the beginning (since it is unplanned), but since she is already here -- it is time for all hands on deck. She knows that she has to grow, or else the child will suffer -- so I reckon she did.
Unlike this guy.
That's how you f**king grow dude -- yeah having a child ain't a walk in the park. You are raising a human being -- she ain't gonna come out already all wise and shit, she is a f**king child. What do you expect? How did you think you were when you are that age?
How did you think all those single mothers all around the world feel when the father left them high and dry, no money and no roof, and crying children all around? Do you think they have a choice? Do you think they have it easy? No, they have to adapt because they ain't got no choice. They have NO help -- people scorning them left and right and say "Serve you right" to their face.
This dude have all the help in the damn world and he is still complaining. No -- he is whining. Whining like a damn baby because the child ain't making it easy for him. My God.
Rant aside, seriously ladies -- this goes for you too, especially the younger ladies.
If you aren't ready for a child -- avoid all the things that will led you to a child. Especially if abortion is already illegal where you live. Don't trust the dude saying he use protection and all that bs -- it is not like you can ensure he stays true to his words every minute and every second of it.
Do rotational dating -- enjoy the fun part of that culture without exposing yourself to so many stupid ass risks. Protect your womb ladies.
And for those who do want children -- vet vet VET like your life depends on it. Even if you plan to stay childless -- unless you both undergo permanent surgery to ensure no surprise down the line -- vet for his readiness to immediately go into DAD mode once the child is on the way. It is VITAL so that you don't accidentally cause another loop of intergenerational trauma.
If you can't find him and worry about the biological clock -- freeze your eggs or choose sperm bank. DO NOT SETTLE!!!
The case above is a starting point -- and it can, may, and will get even more serious -- especially if the man is truly, truly stunted mind-wise (it is more common than you think ladies, we are arriving at that era) and started to see the child as enemy and slowly resent the fact that he has to be responsible for the child. It is like expecting a spoiled teenager (mind-wise) to care for children -- truly, truly disturbing shit will happen.
Vet vet VET and never stop VETTING ladies. Stay safe.