Pick me mothers who choose the abuser over their child

I recently rewatched the movie Precious, and once again, I was struck by the horrifying reality it portrays: a young girl, raped by her own father and emotionally destroyed by a mother who is too jealous to protect her. Instead of saving her daughter or holding the abuser accountable, the mother blames the victim — her own child — because she can't deal with the idea that the man “chose” the child over her.

And then it hit me — I lived through something disturbingly similar.

I once dated a man who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic with serious personality disorders. His ex had kicked him out for abusing their child (something I only found out the full extent of after we broke up). At the time, I assumed it was a slap — still inexcusable — but only later did I find out that he had headbutted his small son. A grown man, nearly two meters tall, violently assaulting a child. And somehow, she was mad at me.

From the moment we moved in together, his ex became hostile and toxic — constantly calling me names, never wanting to meet in person, involving her family in harassing me — all while I was the one who helped her ex get back on his feet. I paid for our apartment, bought furniture, took care of her son when he visited, gave him gifts and affection — but I was still treated like I had “stolen” her man. Never mind that they had been divorced for two years by the time we met.

In hindsight, I can see now that he was triangulating us, manipulating both sides, sleeping with her during our breakups, and cheating on me with her. So yes, I understand why she was emotionally invested. But what still baffles me is this:

How can a mother knowingly allow a man who brutalized her child back into their lives?

How can you choose your jealousy over your child's safety?

This isn’t just my story. We see it in celebrity cases too. Vanessa Paradis publicly defended Johnny Depp, even after disturbing texts and multiple people came forward with accounts of abusive behavior. Not just Amber Heard — other women, other colleagues. But still, people defend him because he didn’t abuse them or because he “seemed nice” at one point in time.

This “pick-me” behavior goes beyond insecurity. It becomes complicity. Sometimes even enabling. And in the worst cases, it costs children their innocence, their safety, or their lives.

Abusers don’t stop being abusers — they just tailor their abuse to who allows what. So why do some women rage at the new partner, or the child, or the system — instead of the man who actually destroyed their lives? Is this even being a pick me, or is this a sign of something far more nefarious?