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I recently rewatched the movie Precious, and once again, I was struck by the horrifying reality it portrays: a young girl, raped by her own father and emotionally destroyed by a mother who is too jealous to protect her. Instead of saving her daughter or holding the abuser accountable, the mother blames the victim — her own child — because she can't deal with the idea that the man “chose” the child over her.
And then it hit me — I lived through something disturbingly similar.
I once dated a man who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic with serious personality disorders. His ex had kicked him out for abusing their child (something I only found out the full extent of after we broke up). At the time, I assumed it was a slap — still inexcusable — but only later did I find out that he had headbutted his small son. A grown man, nearly two meters tall, violently assaulting a child. And somehow, she was mad at me.
From the moment we moved in together, his ex became hostile and toxic — constantly calling me names, never wanting to meet in person, involving her family in harassing me — all while I was the one who helped her ex get back on his feet. I paid for our apartment, bought furniture, took care of her son when he visited, gave him gifts and affection — but I was still treated like I had “stolen” her man. Never mind that they had been divorced for two years by the time we met.
In hindsight, I can see now that he was triangulating us, manipulating both sides, sleeping with her during our breakups, and cheating on me with her. So yes, I understand why she was emotionally invested. But what still baffles me is this:
How can a mother knowingly allow a man who brutalized her child back into their lives?
How can you choose your jealousy over your child's safety?
This isn’t just my story. We see it in celebrity cases too. Vanessa Paradis publicly defended Johnny Depp, even after disturbing texts and multiple people came forward with accounts of abusive behavior. Not just Amber Heard — other women, other colleagues. But still, people defend him because he didn’t abuse them or because he “seemed nice” at one point in time.
This “pick-me” behavior goes beyond insecurity. It becomes complicity. Sometimes even enabling. And in the worst cases, it costs children their innocence, their safety, or their lives.
Abusers don’t stop being abusers — they just tailor their abuse to who allows what. So why do some women rage at the new partner, or the child, or the system — instead of the man who actually destroyed their lives? Is this even being a pick me, or is this a sign of something far more nefarious?
Grandmother was a pickme. Her favorite grandson assaulted a girl and also went to jail for armed robbery, and she would always talk crap about other ppl except for their golden children but when he had to go to jail she was silent. Pick mes will get what’s coming to them one day.
I've lived something similar. It was the absolute most abusive man I ever dated (we had known each other since our teens, so I thought he was an okay bet or like I knew him). The story is the same. They were divorced for two years, and toward the end he was violent with the kid while we were living together but was doing it when I was not around. The ex wife called CPS on him when she found marks that could be hidden by his clothing.
She turned into a total beast when we moved in together (stupid stupid idea on my part) and I had no idea what I was getting myself into....
But SHE was not the problem. He had been abusing her for years on end and she was highly trauma bonded to him, add kids to the mix and I just can't even imagine the hell she lived through. I was brought into the equation for a couple of reasons: A. To piss his ex wife off even more and B. To suck all my resources from me.
It was all a game and it was absolutely his plan to hurt her in unimaginable ways by bringing me into the picture. He screwed her in the divorce, left her financially destitute, and they had a pact to introduce new boyfriends or gfs to each other before meeting the kids which he 1,000% did not follow with me. He was trying to hurt her and make her act crazy and I was simply a pawn to do it. She had a certain type of girl that she really hated and I happened to be all of those things... He knew exactly what he was doing to her and it was very calculated.
Here's the thing... she was awful to me, but that wasn't the issue. The hell he bestowed upon her I just can't even begin to dream of. I only had a hint of it, but I was not married to him and not connected through kids. I cannot imagine that hell and I shudder to even try. She was awful, but it was in reaction to the things he had done to her for over a decade. I was only a pawn. I was carefully picked, meaning he chose a girl that would absolutely devastate her and on top of that broke serious pacts they had with each other about their kids. His real goal, in the end, was to use me to keep abusing her... and in the meantime, because abusive men are abusive to any woman who sticks around long enough, he was abusing me by proxy too. What a lot of POWER and CONTROL he was wielding with that set up.
She and I only spoke a couple of times. Once she was really heated with me, later apologized, and another time she was using me to try to set things up for herself with court. It was a very nasty battle between those two that I had no business being a part of. I was educated, single, had a lot going for me and a banging career, and had no kids... I entered a total battle between these two that I should have never been a part of. I was too good for all of it.
I left him, broke all contact, and healed. In the end, I do not hate that girl at all and I understand what the abuse has done to her. He ripped my soul to shreds in two years flat. I can only imagine the hell she endured for so much longer with kids involved. All I see now is a woman who was abused, highly manipulated, and is still connected to that monster through kids. I feel sorry for her in that regard and she was mostly a total animal to me and I still do not care or take it personally. He got her really good until the kids turn 18 and I'm sure beyond that. The ways she reacts and deals with all of this, I can't say how I would be if it had been me in her shoes. Honestly, she is a highly abused woman and I just will never hate her for her choices. Abuse fucks you up horribly and I only had a taste of what she had endured.
Does that make it right how she acts? Nope. Do I think she could do and be better? I'd like to hope, but so far, all I see is that she can't. He got us so SO tangled up in hating each other that we didn't stop to look at the real problem. HIM. He was the issue. He set it all up to go that way, for us to focus on each other instead of him (that's true triangulation). If we are still focused on what "the other woman" did or is doing wrong, then the game of triangulation is still going strong and his set up with that is still working. She's not the issue; he is.
She was highly abused by him, flat out, and I'm sure she still is. I do not consider ABUSED women to be pickmes and never will. This happened in my early 30s and I'm 39 now. It took like two years of healing and processing and me reading about abuse, deeply, to get the full scope of what happened there. I'm positive that, to this day, he is still abusing her. She can't escape him due to the kids. Lucky me, I got out. I had the chance to heal and never see him again because we don't have kids together. She will never get that healing space. He will have her roped in forever unless she really, really wakes up somehow but it's unlikely since she can't get away from him. No contact is the ONLY way and she doesn't get that chance. Thankfully, I do.
I will absolutely never get involved with a man with kids ever again. 2 years after a divorce also just isn't that long, I realized. Especially when it is with an abusive man.
I want to encourage you to look deeper at what this guy's set up between you two actually was and refrain from blaming her (exactly what he wants, don't give him that reprieve). Start holding him accountable instead of the women he uses as flying monkeys. They are not the problem. The MAN is the problem and he should get zero skirting out of being held absolutely accountable for the terror he reigns on any woman or kid close to him. He's an abusive piece of shit and should die a thousand fiery deaths. That's the end of the story.
I never think about that girl anymore, but if I ever do, I just feel bad for her. She got sucked in and can't get out. Abused women are not thinking clearly and do not act right. Did you know it makes parts of your brain swell and other parts of your brain go darker? Chemically, she literally canNOT act right and it's really not her fault. It's HIS.
Read up on abuse, triangulation, and when you think you've read it all, read more. The Narcissistic Abuse sub on Reddit and their Wiki saved my whole life during that time (the sub kind of seems to have gone downhill now since everyone equates abuse with Narcissism). Check it out and go down the rabbit hole of what real abuse does to a person. I must have read about all of those things for like 2 years straight while working on healing. You will start connecting things he did that you didn't see at the time. I needed answers about what happened to me. Not from him, not from questioning why the girl was so nuts. I needed to learn the REAL processes of abuse and brainwashing and triangulation. I, too, acted in ways that were totally unreal for me. It's because I was being abused. These were the only things that healed me (that and a LOT of yoga, hiking, walks in the park). It took a while but I came out of it and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But once I went through all that grueling and real healing, all I see is that abused women are never pickmes and the men at the center of all the problems are the REAL issue. Abusers deserve the focus and the blame, not the women they abuse.
This is why I can't take hate from all FDS women without a grain of salt.
If I read this right, and you knowingly dated a man who HEADBUTTED HIS FUCKING KID, and are acting like she's mad at nothing, then you are literally the fucking problem.
What the actual fuck?
Did you try to play this off like you aren't being a child abuser's rehab? And then play it off like the mom of the kid is "mAd fOr No ReAsOn!!111one"??
Wait, you got with the dude who assaulted his own kid???
And helped him pretend to be normal?
If I was her I'd be mad at you also.
Did I fucking read that wrong, or did you knowingly date a child abuser???