Behind the Rage: Inside the Minds of Domestic Abusers

The one thing I completely agreed with was the idea that abusers do choose specific people to target. That can mean many things: women they perceive as vulnerable, women they want to humiliate or control, women who trust them, women they think they can exploit, or those with significant age differences.

What really unsettled me was how Daniel was being discussed, especially by Deeyah. I hate to say it, but she seems too easily swayed by men who are articulate or intelligent, and that appears to affect how seriously she takes what they say. Daniel sounds truly revolting. Like you pointed out, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a thrill from all the attention and the weight given to his words. This man murdered someone who made the deeply human and innocent choice to open herself up to love. That’s something many of us do every day. To turn that vulnerability into a death sentence, especially from someone she was so intimately connected to, is beyond horrific. To me, it’s even more vile than killing a stranger. And yet it happens every single day to so many women all over the world.

I've read Lundy Bancroft’s book several times, and after sitting with this podcast episode for a couple of days, I’m disturbed by how badly it missed the mark. I agree that abusive men should be in prison, and I was relieved that Deeyah acknowledged that her ex husband should have been. But to then drift into sympathy for his supposed childhood traumas, repeating how great a person he was so many times, was incredibly triggering. I think she would have done well to really hear her friends, especially those who work in domestic violence shelters, who advised her to reconsider the perspective she was taking. So many abuse victims who haven't done the work make blanket comments based on their own experience and biases and whatever else, and don't seem to realise that experiencing abuse doesn't mean they know the psychology of abusers. And I don't mean to shame anyone here, especially as someone who has experienced abuse myself. I think it's really problematic to speak to the psychology without actually having an understanding. Speaking of your own experiences, as just that, is entirely welcome. Always.

Yuck. The way ppl romanticize abuse by saying if a boy bullies you he likes you. I call that bullshit because those who love you are always afraid to lose you,and would never want to do anything to fall in disgrace with you.