One of the amazing gifts of getting older is getting closer to that alternate place

But it's really common for this to happen. Once we have been through brainwashing abusive cycles enough, we really do become addicted to being abused. This is why women have such a hard time leaving an abusive relationship or end up with another abusive partner after the first. It operates like a subconscious addiction. The only ways we can avoid it happening after the first time is by taking ample time alone to rewire our brains and heal. However, it's not always possible for us to do this financially and due to so many other factors. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do in order to live, eat, survive. That being said, I hope you divorce the s* out of this dude someday.