I know the title is misleading, but hear me out, ladies. For the past couple of weeks, I've been seeing this potential HVM. We met on OLD (I know, I know). And he's been treating me well so far. Taking me to luxurious places, being generous with his time, energy, and money, etc. basically, he was ticking all the right check points. That is, until he asked me to go to a hotel with him 💀.
I told him that I don't feel ready to have sex yet and he said that he respects that. I suggested going to a more secluded place where we can make out a bit (like we did last time), and he refused because he "doesn't want to stop himself again". I asked him if he's always had full penetrative sex the first time with his exes, and he said yes. So no slow and passionate making out, cuddling, etc. getting to know each other. It always had to lead to a full on penetrative sex or some sort of release (for him) at least.
My heart sunk. I told him that I'm not ready to be sexual until after we're in a committed relationship and even then it wouldn't be immediatelly. He said that he cannot imagine being in a relationship without having sex. So we basically got into the whole "who came first? The chicken or the egg?" spiel until we parted ways.
Like, I know I should be glad that he vetted himself out pretty soon. I should be proud of upholding my boundaries and not sleeping with him. Yet... I feel so abanded and dissapointed?!? Like I've said, except for that, he was pulling all the green flags and was seemingly HV. It also makes me feel super hopeless regarding the future... He said that he regrets not asking me about it sooner, but I said I thought it was pretty normal? Like, I didn't have sex with my ex 6 months into the relationship and he could wait. Are all modern men just broken pornsick individuals? Thank god I didn't sleep with him, but man ☹️.
This screams predator and rapist to me. Wanna bet that he didn't respect a "no" or "let's stop" during sex with his exes either because he "didn't want to stop himself"? He openly said that he considers his orgasm to be more important than his partner's comfort there.
Good riddance, you dodged a giant bullet here.
Darling, no. It's literally impossible to lose a good man who truly wants a relationship with you by not sleeping with him immediately. This man was out for a quick fuck, and thought he was clever in trying to woo you. Nice men don't ask ladies to go to hotels with them, unless they are on vacation together. He's a sex-sick creep, and be glad you are free of his nastiness.
How is he a good guy if he gets mad and leaves you bc you won't sleep with him yet??? He's a whole ass predator
It's such an evil scam isn't it? He gave you a bunch of lies and you gave him your sincere and heartfelt love.
That is the resource you have to guard like Fort Knox. Only give it when his actions phyiscally, tangibly, and measureably demonstrate to you that he is worthy of having this little piece of yourself.
He showed you very clearly that he is an empty, non-human creature who enjoys lying directly to your face. To him you are a tool and fuel for his penis, and his evil little desire to procreate another empty copy of his empty, non-human body. If he actually liked you, he would never have risked making you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. It was all a lie.
Typical. So typical and so disturbing. You'll feel better in a month or so. In the mean time go get your nails done and stuff like that. Men like this are TROUBLE and BAD FOR YOU and they are the norm.
He probably does those things with every woman to bed them. Who knows what he's like after that.
He's just a lovebombing manipulative coomer.
Good riddance.
At least you got some luxurious experiences out of it.
The lovebombing stage is the only good part of the relationship with these kind of men. You should feel glad that you left before the tension started to build.
Edit:
Remember this list
What the Hell makes you think that's a HVM? Asking to put your body part inside someone else's body is asking a fucking LOT. Please change your title into "trash took itself out." You're lowering everyone's standards.
He’s just learned how to masquerade as HV long enough to get women to sleep with him. I’m afraid that if you’d gone through with it, he would’ve abandoned you soon after, saying he’s “not looking for anything serious right now” or some other vague reason, after leading you to believe that he was open to a relationship with you. That “I won’t be in a relationship until I ‘test’ for sexual compatibility” is a manipulation tactic used by men who are just trying to use as many women as possible. I’ve heard so many stories like yours, except the woman gives in, unfortunately, and he immediately changes and stops being so kind and generous. I’m so glad you avoided that!
The trash has taken itself out.
In a few weeks' time, I'll bet you'll feel nothing but relief you got rid of a sex pest by following FDS rules.
Well done! 👏
A disproportionate number of men on OLD are looking for sex with no strings attached but pretend to be HVM in the initial dates. Looks like the guy you were talking to has always been LV but was trying to pretend to be HV. Since you refused to have sex and his mask slipped, he saw little point in continuing to interact with you.
To answer your question, yes, a lot of men are like that. I think you're more likely to encounter such men on OLD or at bars although they are ubiquitous.
I don't think you lost a good guy there.
Girl. He wasn't HV.
This can't possibly be a "potentially good guy."
Dear OP, I am sorry. I too ended things with a man who gave me the most wonderful dating phase when I got to know about his sexual hangup, and it hurt, and I have felt stupid for being disappointed. I hope that you can take the good with you and find pride in discarding the rest: Remember what it has felt like to be courted with generosity and effort, and be assured that in drawing a line you're practicing respect for yourself and staying on the right path to getting what you want.
OP, I'm so sorry you're missing the good dates, and I'm sorry you're having the pain of rejection and disappointment. I GET IT. I felt very disappointed in a man after I'd known him for YEARS but then found out about some dealbreakers. Sometimes it takes a little while to turn your head around -- and as long as you've done the block-and-delete, then give yourself some grace for however long the recovery takes. I'm so proud of you for standing your ground and not letting him shame your boundaries.
The good men exist, but it's so demoralizing to go through all the garbage to find them. The man I'm seeing did NOT push for sex. He knew I was waiting, but NOT because I told him -- he could discern my standards and respected them. We didn't get intimate until we had dated, gotten to know each other, and (eventually) agreed to be exclusive. He already was on that page, but he knew I had met him while I was still weighing my options and vetting others along with him. That process didn't take me long -- I got a lot of clarity right about then, and I realized that the other guys were in the garbage category. Not just "compared to him" but objectively speaking.
So many men regard a girlfriend as "someone fun to hang out with, plus free sex!" There's so much of that mentality out there and it's exhausting. But once I met someone who loved me in my entirety (and proved that he saw and loved these facets of me), I could tell the difference. When I had no doubts, anxiety, or confusion, I knew I was on the right track.
ya got love bombed
sis dodging bullets like:
I'd say he was never HV to begin with, especially if he asked you to a HOTEL?! Nah, that man sees prostitutes. He's Negative Value.
I understand the disappointment. Earlier this year I also dated a guy for weeks who was awesome and he finally asked to be my bf and I agreed. We had a group date planned for the following weekend but he just up and disappeared. We were in the middle of a convo when he just never responded again and I haven't heard from him since. It really irritated me, ngl. We had spent weeks getting to know one another then he asks to be my bf and just... dissapears? It takes time, but scrotes will be scrotes and eventually their bad intentions show.
He sees you as an object. He paid for you so now he wants what he thought he paid for. Men being "generous" is nothing unless you know why they are being "generous".