Good morning, Queens! I have a new scrotation from FB dating. It's early days, barely started chatting, not even to the point of meeting yet. I wanted to share with you a few things I've learned from the first time. No particular order:
1) I vet now to within my state. There's no point matching with someone out of state. I want someone close, within an hour or two max. (Mind you, chivalric squire dude is an exception, and he and I are actually going to meet, since I'll be going to his city with family for a short family vacay. If I'm going there anyway, happy to meet up. But so far, not driving there on my own, spending my own money and gas. He's working on getting weekends free, and again, we chat all the time, no pressure, no rush. Still like him a lot as a friend first, with possibilities for more.)
2) No smokers ever. I can deal with "drinks occasionally" but it'll be something I watch, as a strong vetting point, as many men can underplay this if they drink more than just occasionally. Smoking for me is an absolute dealbreaker. I myself drink maybe once or twice a year; it's just something I never got into.
3) Has kids: nope, no thanks, don't have any of my own, damn sure don't want to deal with yours, so long as they are teens and under. Grown, on their own? Maybe. Depends on how enmeshed a man is. If he says on his dating profile that "my kids are everything" then automatic swipe left. Fine, go ahead, go be with your kids, you clearly don't need me or any other woman, and I won't play a NPC role. I want a partner who is truly present, truly available, and I want to be first in a partner's life. That's positively selfish, and I own it.
4) Has requests/demands on his dating profile, automatic swipe left. Some have been funny, and I've chuckled, then still swiped left.
5) I'm already suspecting some are Nigerian spam scammers, especially since two of them have lost their wives and/or children tragically (color me skeptical), then asked me boring softball questions, ie what's your favorite food, color, etc. Who the hell cares? I can't imagine anything less important, and I've said so. I also can't stand it when a man asks if I've eaten dinner; again, who cares? I would never think to ask someone that, because it's the smallest of small talk. I called a guy out twice, and said wow, what softball questions. Big hint: make better conversation or get nexted.
6) I have to be physicallly attracted first and foremost. I've had quite a few likes (thanks for the ego boost), but I feel no obligation to like back or even respond if I'm not feeling it first.
7) Some of the above-mentioned guys seem to be foreign nationals -- European men are SO good looking! I unmatched with one who claimed to be a doctor serving overseas for a couple more years. Nope, no LDRs ever again. These guys who seem to be foreign nationals are to be vetted a little more closely to make sure they are not hobosexuals, actually have their citizenship, and aren't looking for a temporary wife to gain citizenship. Once again, insisting on living apart together for the win: it just does away nearly automatically with most users.
8) I'm making it super clear early on that I'm a feminist, a liberal, progressive, Democrat, free-thinker, skeptic, questioner, anything and everything to indicate NOT REMOTELY TRADITIONAL. I say openly that I am Christian, but always a skeptic and a questioner. I make it clear that I grew up Southern Baptist, walked away as a teenager because I found it oppressive, and have been Episcopalian for a long time. Those who seek to gain power and control via religion have no hope of getting me under their thumb.
9) I now set an arbitrary deadline, and if they don't respond, unmatch. I give them a few days at most to say hello and start the conversation, but if they don't, I'm not going to remain in their rotation, nor allow them to remain in mine. Clearly there's some attraction there, but it's mild, and if they wanted to chat with me and get to know me, they would. They don't make the effort, I'm not chasing. Next.
10) A funny anecdote to end this rather long post: I had to go to the vet, and saw the cute bearded vet tech. He dealt with my cat expertly, but made no other conversation, never even said "Hello, Katie" -- amd this was after he added me on Facebook as a friend. He was TOTALLY in vet tech mode, and made zero conversation. He's now permanently out of consideration. He'll always be eye candy when I come in. And I appreciate that my cats like and trust him and are relaxed around him. He's useful professionally, but clearly quite content on his own, without my company.
I'll be honest, y'all, I love this site, will always come back to it and read it, but I feel like I've gotten almost everything I need from FDS. I know how to vet. I know how to honor my gut and my feelings. I know how to prioritize myself and what I want first. I have good boundaries, and know how to enforce them. I'm quick to next men if I'm just not feeling it, as I did with Texas lawyer dude who had reservations, then never brought them up, then deflected and had to be forced to answer. I know what red flags look like, as what green flags look like. I've had two marriages under my belt, plus some dating in college, not to mention 50+ years, so I know myself, what I want, what I expect, what I will and won't put up with. I'll check in from time to time, though. Be well!