I don’t know if I’m capable of this with men anymore. I’m pretty guarded in general (tough childhood) and have a few ride-or-die women in my life that I can share anything with, but I can’t really remember the last time I felt emotionally intimate with a male partner. I’ve had longer relationships (some multi year), but aside from the first guy I dated in college, I really haven’t connected that way with a man. Usually, I find that they’re not great listeners (jump into solutioning), try to manage me (weird guru vibes), or I don’t really give them the chance in the first place.
Is there a way to vet for this? I know FDS does not recommend sharing trauma or being too vulnerable, but if I want emotional intimacy in a future partner, how does this happen?
It depends on what you mean by emotional intimacy. To me, emotional intimacy has nothing to do with the other party knowing all about me and my emotional wounds. It's more about empathy and emotional availability.
For example, my partner wouldn't have to know the whole workplace drama that made me down today. When he sees me being down, he'd notice, gives me space and makes me feel comfortable. Not masking my feelings would be me being vulnerable because I'd know that he wouldn't kick me when I'm down.
I think you're vetting well enough. It's just most men don't have empathy.
I just wanna say that there’s nothing wrong with YOU for not wanting to be emotionally intimate with men.
Most men (I’d say 99%) are NOT emotionally safe. So your discomfort is spot-on and they’d be dangerous to be vulnerable with at all.
Part of FDS is realizing that we women are NOT the problem. Men are. They’re selfish, angry and aggressive, have no empathy and are socialized to be assholes. Why would anyone be emotionally open with people like that? Men don’t trust each other! Why should we?
Be confident in your value. Observe men at a distance. If one man somehow wins your lottery and behaves in a way that helps you feel safe, I guarantee you’ll be able to open up.
In the meantime, stay safe!
Excuse me for not having anything positive to say, I just liked your phrase:
“Usually, I find that they're not great listeners (jump into solutioning), try to manage me (weird guru vibes), or I don't really give them the chance in the first place.”
I feel similar. Especially about your second point: Most of the men I’ve been romantically involved with were bizarrely into the idea of teaching me something. Many of them dreamt of training me, in the literal sense as if they were fitness experts. Whenever a guy mentions “I could train you haha” it just turns me off very much.
I wish I had a tactic to share, but I have yet to meet a man I feel emotionally comfortable with.
Emotional connections come with the feeling of safety. I’m gonna go on a ledge and assume these men never made you feel safe. I love men who get protective (NOT possessive) and that helps me establish a deeper emotional connection. Especially if you look at your ride-or-dies they have your back and make you feel safe.
The only real way to vet this is just standard safety. If a rando gets in your face is he there pushing the guy away? Does he stand up for you? Is he walking on the road side of the side walk? Does he care if you got home safely? Does he drive at a normal, safe speed when you’re in the car? There’s no one size answer to this cuz I find a guy who’s conceal carrying to make me feel much safer and some women would find that to be a red flag.
Once a man has proven to have your safety in mind then it’s good to open up and share things. I’d say a good test to vet that it wasn’t an act is to create a fake insecurity or fear and wait a month or so to see if he uses it against you. If he passes the check I’d open up for real.