I've been depressed for 12 since 2012 to nowadays. That year was when I started getting bullied in school (year 8). I was getting bullied for being unattractive and for having autism (guys and girls bullied me equally).
That kind of bullied stopped at 2022, when I finished college.
The bullying consisted of: calling me names (******, weird, ugly) when they thought I couldn't hear them, laughing at me, never listened to anything I've got to say, not allowing me to participate in plays (teachers did this), hiding my stuff, passing my stuff between people, so that I couldn't get it, creating fake accounts in social media with my name, posting pictures of me on social media, trying to say someone liked me just to humiliate me, not letting me join the school WhatsApp group, judging for everything I did, thinking the worst of me.
This was from 2012 to 2015.
From 2016, the bullying I received changed since I moved schools: basically, it was the same except that people didn't hide my stuff or touch my things anymore.
That was from 2016 to 2018.
I had some friends during this period of time, but my friends still bullied me. They would publish a picture of me in Instagram from time to time (stories) to laugh at me, or call me ugly indirectly. They also thought I was stupid.
Then, in 2018 I went on to college and lived with some roommates. They treated me as if I were a stranger, sometimes not even looking at me. I dropped out of college because my mental health declined a lot and I was getting addicted to alcohol to cope with loneliness.
From 2018 to 2019 I spent the year thinking about what I wanted to do.
From 2019 to 2023 I did a graphic design grade. I couldn't make any friends despite trying and people still bullied me, for being weird and ugly.
I must say that, during this time, I was extremely paranoid and tended to stare at people I didn't know a lot in order to see if they were bullying me. Everyone noticed and thought that, on top of being ugly, I was insane.
In 2022 I had to take a temporary dropout of the grade because I got severe BDD and depression. During the pandemic (2019-2020) I started to think about why people called me ugly. Despite being called ugly, I didn't want to admit it. So I begin to take selfies and try to get help at Vindicta, in order to get a face that would stop people from calling me ugly. People also bullied me at Vindicta. Still, I stayed at that Subreddit for 1 year, which was enough to deteriorate my self-esteem. Because of the blackpill, I also developed a bit of psychosis, as I thought everyone was judging me for looking bad, so I stopped going out and meeting with my friends. Honestly, improving your looks isn't bad, but when you're ugly, it isn't worth it if you want to look good.
Then, I went to a group therapy to rehab, because I was addicted to technology. This helped me get, more or less rid, of BDD, but I still felt bad. I still felt empty: that everything I did was for naught because I was a kissless virgin (I'm still are). It made me feel less than human.
In 2023 I finished my degree. People didn't stop bullying me, but that year the bullying was softer since my bullies graduated.
Now it's 2024, and I feel I'm starting to get obsessed with my looks again. My parents took some pictures of me (without any kind of Ill intention) and my jaw and nose looked like shit. My parents told me I looked normal, but if that's normal, then I'm an objective 3/10. For me, everything is binary: I'm either ugly or attractive. But I need to choose something in order to find a partner. Or so I feel. My therapist told me I wasn't ugly. She was lying because she didn't allow me to call myself ugly. Then, you are a shit therapist. Piece of crap. Yeah, I'm a therapist but I don't allow my patients to accept the truth. She isn't a therapist: she's a liar.
I don't want to look normal, or to be beautiful. Both would be nice, but they aren't feasible options. I want to accept I'm ugly looking without coping with mental gymnastics. I just want to think about something else.
I also hate myself for being shy and autistic. I have the worst combination. Ugly and autistic. I want to get rid of one of them so that I can make friends, at least. I have tried to make friends my entire life, but the only time I was able to make friends was in highschool. Besides that, I've been alone my entire life.
Honestly, I'd love to get surgery, but it'd be too much (3 procedures). I won't trust people after getting surgery, because most men would be prostitutes that I paid with the surgeries. If they'd want to go out with me, it'd be because I've got surgery. If they knew my true genetics they'd let me alone.
I also hate my parents. My dad has always been addicted to porn and never helped my mom raise me. When I was sick, he'd chat with women in Skype, or whatever. He never truly cared about me.
And my mum never let me do anything as I grew up. I was banned from cooking, cleaning, helping around the house because she thought I couldn't manage to do any kind of task. Then, we'd argue and she always end up saying "I wish I had aborted".
I'd posted this a year ago:
"Before, a year and a bit ago, I used to constantly self-harm, and have moments where my mind would go out of my body and I would start screaming and hitting objects; whatever was in front of me, at that moment. During those attacks, I would remember situations (bullying experiences, generally) that made me go out of control. It wasn't purely voluntary, because these memories would come intrusively. At those times my parents would call me crazy (with good reason). We almost always ended up fighting verbally. We would call each other horrible names. My mother instigated me to commit suicide, told me that she wished she had had an abortion, etc. I would also say things like that to her (like I wish she would die, etc.). And, on occasion, we even pushed each other. All this was solved through therapy and medication. And I'm glad, honestly. But I have realised many things. For example, my father never took care of me. He left everything difficult to my mother. My mother, too, didn't let me do anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no going out with friends. She didn't think I was capable of those activities. And every time I failed to do something, she would tell me that I was not capable of doing it.
And every time I failed at something, she forbade me to do it, while complaining about how useless I was. Then, my mother, despite criticising me in everything I did, flattered me for no apparent reason, trying to make me see other people as inferior to me. My parents never taught me not to hit others, and no matter how much I was punished in kindergarten and school, I still hit and insulted my classmates. I was also never taught that animals had feelings, and I don't know how they didn't realise that, as a child, I mistreated family pets. I stopped doing it because I learned it on my own. But it took me years to do it. My father wasn't a good person either. He always tried not to take care of me. One day I discovered a picture of a naked woman on his mobile. Then I got on his WhatsApp at night, and I found out he was cheating on my mother. Instead of telling her, I spent years collecting evidence. I hacked into his email account, I hacked into his Skype, into his other WhatsApp. I also read all his personal diaries. That's when I discovered that he had been cheating on my mother for years. That he used to be a whoremonger. That in his diary there were sexual fantasies of power (rape) with female co-workers. That when he started dating my mother, he had another girlfriend. I also discovered that when I was sick with the flu, he preferred to continue cheating on my mother, ignoring me. And the worst thing is that I know that all of this was done so that I wouldn't be able to live on my own.
Because they are afraid that they can no longer control me. And, in part, they have achieved something. I am not able to take care of myself, and I need someone to tell me what to do all the time. I try to be alone, but I start to feel terrible. I used to feel disgusted when I was with my flatmates. Because I was very envious to hear how they called their parents almost every day, to tell them how they were doing. I never called them, unless I really needed to. In fact, I don't usually talk to my friends on the phone, including WhatsApp. Honestly, I only talk to them when I meet up.
Also, my mother doesn't allow me to get "broken" jeans, tattoos, piercings, etc. It's not like I want, but it makes me angry when she threatens me to never allowing me go into her house again if I get any of those things."
Yeah, I have improved but I feel that I'm falling back into the same shit, so I want to go to therapy (I can't rn)
I'm ranting a bit. I just feel that I have nowhere to go. I'm, honestly, waiting for my parents to die so that I can kill myself without bothering other people. But, in the meantime, I'd like to be happier. I hate people. I really hate most people except my friends and family. I think most people are just pieces of shit that are happy because they aren't ugly. I wish most people could experience life as someone ugly, then come back. If they suffer (bullies) I'll be happy
I've been dreaming a lot about dying and being born again with another mind and body. A normal mind and an attractive face. Then, I'll be happy because I'd never been treated like shit.
PD: just as an off-topic question: where do people meet up? I want a partner, but I can't go to nightclubs, pubs, etc. Neither use dating APPs. I want to befriend more people, make my social circle broader, and meet a partner that way, so that they'll focus more on my personality. Ugly people need to do this to find a partner.
Plenty of neurotypical and conventionally attractive people are treated like shit, bullied and abused. Bullies and abusers don't need any reason to treat someone like shit. They can find any excuse.
I had a beautiful, smart, athletic and popular classmate in school who was bullied because her "friends" found an old picture of her as a bald baby. Bald babies are normal, but they still use it to bully her.
It's never the victim's fault. How your parents and bullies treated you was not your fault. BUT if you want a better life you need to take charge and change. The ball is in your court.
Take baby steps, be kind to yourself, ignore things you can't change and focus on things you can.
You are really going through a lot and I am very sorry that you had such a terrible experience with bullying.
I don't really have any advice, but to keep going with therapy when you can. If you feel like your therapist is lying to you, then you need to find one that you can work with. This can take time (I personally went through about six therapists until I found one that I meshed with).
You mentioned wanting cosmetic surgery. If you feel this would help with your self esteem then this is absolutely an option for you. I have personally had two different cosmetic surgeries done and both were life changing. One of them the surgeon told me I didn't really need it, but I told him I didn't care, it bothered me enough that I wanted it done. My only regret is I didn't do it sooner.
I don't have any suggestions for meeting new friends and partners beyond starting a new hobby, playing a sport, language classes or volunteer work. These can be hit and miss with the type of people you connect with, but persisting is key.
One other thing I think is worth mentioning is the bullying and saying you hate people. People bully you because they are lacking something within themselves and it has nothing to do with you. I was bullied mercilessly by two people when I was at school to the point of me self-harming and attempting suicide. I ended up getting professional help and was able to work through it (ie come to terms with it, not get over it). In my mid twenties, both of the girls who bullied me separately reached out to explain the reason they bullied me was because they were jealous of me and it was their insecurities, and not who I was as a person.
While I don't allow either of these people in my life, their explanation did go some way into helping me come to terms with what happened (ie I stopped blaming myself and it lessened the self-hatred I felt). I am just sharing this as a different perspective and hopefully it helps in feeling less alone.
I hope you are able to make some progress in moving forward in all of the areas you are unhappy with.
Best wishes xx
You can do it, Queen