The title, basically.
But just to detail it a bit more:
I have a coworker who I find moderately attractive. I'm not planning on trying anything because I've given up on men and he has a girlfriend, however I can't help but vet, considering we interact at work and I try to be aware of the kind of people I have surrounding me. So yesterday we were having lunch together and talking about life and how we feel frustrated regarding some things, unachieved goals, financial difficulties, etc. And I realized he and I have many things in common.
For a second I thought "Wow... We have so much in common. This could work." Then I realized was focusing on the negative things we have in common. And I thought about my past attempts and how I had a tendency to bond with potential partners (and even friends) over our mutual negative traits. It would be something like "Oh, he's depressed and wants to die too! He feels like a failure because xyz! He hates this an that and that! We have so much in common! We are meant to be together!"
Of course friendships and relationships based on mutual toxic traits are going to be a disaster! People in such relationships keep feeding each others negativity and no one has the chance to grow. And if one of them gets out of this vicious cicle, the other becomes resentful. How did I not see that before?
Welp, I can see it now that I have leveled up. That's why leveling up us the most important aspect of FDS.
Same, girl!
I was making a list of friendship must haves and deal breakers and came across some key points. Here are two relevant ones I jotted down:
validates my feelings even if that means they owe me an apology (this blew my mind)
more kind than me, more generous than me, more of the traits I want to surround myself with
It's hard in general not to dwell on the negative sometimes. We enjoy people who hate the same things. I get it, I do it too.
You have a fair point here. Would it help to do positive framing exercises to see the good more often? I am practicing naming a few good things each day so that I train myself to see more good. I wonder if in doing so, seeing less negative - can help you avoid bonding with men with these negative traits.
So true. Stick with the winners and people who are part of the solution to their problems.