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(TW: Texts from an ugly rapist!! Not graphic)
Disclaimer: This isn't about people who go to therapy in general- I'm seeing a therapist now (in large part because of this situation lol), and I think it can be good for people who operate in good faith, who just want to learn to cope with things and work on regulating certain emotions, etc. This is about men who make a show of the fact that they go, who use therapy language as a get out of jail free card, who have any sort of smugness about it.
I really wish I had been prepared for just how potent of a tool therapy is for the absolute worst kinds of men. For men who want to play the victim in even the most heinous and inexcusable of circumstances, who want a sounding board to validate their every whim, who want to place themselves securely in the category of "not like other men" so that they can do whatever they want. Anyway...I made the mistake of telling this person that I was afraid of saying no to PIV sex (I had off and on vaginismus from a rape that could cause a lot of pain and anxiety, and told him about it months in, when I thought I could trust him). After that point he suddenly started becoming angry, reactive, and abusive when I said no, paused, or wasn't ready for PIV sex, and ended up sexually abusing and raping me for 7 months. He was a teacher, would never shut the fuck up about his social justice activism or how "problematic" every word everyone else said was, and would literally describe himself as "wholesome" and a "good person." The therapy shit also put him in the position to pull the classic "hysteria" card with me.
Anyway, I wanted to include some texts from him lol...rapists are evolving and this is what some of them sound like now. (I just don't want the texts saved/copied)
When I say I legitimately felt like I was being battered...I have an incredible boyfriend now and a great life in some ways but experiencing this kind of shameless, self-righteous evil was such an unsettling experience that I don't think I 'll ever get over. I've been raped/abused before but this was so much worse, I can't even put in the DARVO shit he was doing the whole time because it's too infuriating to even look at. Be careful out there...
There are so many more where that came from tbh...
I had one BPD male friend who went to therapy like it was crack, constantly needed his therapist gassing him up every week. He was extremely bad about "therapy speak" as a way to be manipulative to women. Kinda felt like he thought his job was to explain our feelings to us constantly.
May this be a lesson that the first time a man does anything you're not comfortable with, you cut him off IMMEDIATELY. We all gotta learn the hard way, I did, too.
Now you know in the future if any guy engages in sexual (or any) behavior with you that doesn't sit right with you (even if the realization hits you after the act has happened) block him forever.
Don't try to confront.
Don't try to tell him your feelings.
Don't try to clear the air.
They. Don't. Care.
They waste your time with this whole back and forth like he did with you in these texts, trying to convince you it was an accident, or it's not his fault, or probably YOUR fault.
Be an entitled bitch who isn't afraid of being called one when you ghost someone after unacceptable behavior. You don't owe anyone shit. Not politeness, not fairness, not allowing their side of the story to be heard.
We as women owe it to OURSELVES to protect our peace, our bodies, our assets, our reputations, our livelihoods from EVERYTHING, before we owe anyone else consideration. Especially men.
My goodness, OP, you went through hell. I'm so sorry you went through this but so proud of you for getting out. This level of manipulation is incredibly tough to untangle from... and you did it! 👑
This made me want to ralph reading it because he sounds similar to my most abusive ex, minus the therapy speak. The level of manipulation that that asshole did to me through incessant text messages like this worked a number on me. He didn't use therapy buzzwords, but he did always DARVO and he did pull at things about my past to "prove" how fucked up I was and how I was the problem. These guys are just flat out abusers!
Some things I've learned since and some things I desperately needed to learn both from that experience and from FDS. You probably know these by now, OP, but just gentle reminders for anyone reading:
I'll never do texts/messenger apps like this with a man, ever again. In fact, I don't text men anymore outside of simple things like times, dates. FDS touts not to do the long texts messages and I now fully see why. It's a strong tool for manipulators and abusers. Guys and HVM who cherish us will want to have these convos in person. I got so so burned by this type of manipulation. That was over a decade ago and I and still refuse to text these fuckers about anything serious. Never again. ✌️
The second a man doesn't respect my "No" I'm out so quick it makes their head spin. I don't care if it is mid sex or any other time. I will Uber myself out of a restaurant we showed up to together if I have to. Idc. In fact, early on, I will tell a man "No" for any old thing and carefully gauge his reaction. If I don't like the way he handles it, he's out. I consider this one of my most powerful early vetting tools for avoiding abusive types.
I had one dude, long long ago, who tried therapy speak with me and he was one of the most messed up people I have ever met. For example, he hired a tranny prostitute if that gives you a picture of his messed up head LOL. I think I've innately ignored guys like this ever since. I wholeheartedly agree that men who talk like this need to be avoided. Men don't have emotions like we do. They're faking it if they pretend so.
The second a man wants to hint at or make me feel like there is something internally "wrong" or "messed up" about me, I am gone.
Happy healing, sis. I just know you went through a lot. 💜
First of all, I'm really sorry all of that happened to you, galaxy700. Both of those men, the one who initally raped you and the boyfriend who raped you and used therapy speak are absolute trash and you did not deserve what they did to you. I agree 100% that men who use therapy speak are to be avoided. I don't think it's a red flag if a woman goes to therapy or reads self-help books because those women are usually just interested in self-improvement. However, most men are uninterested in self-improvement. IMO men only engage in therapy or reading self-help books if they're predators who want to learn new ways to manipulate women. IMO it's a huge red flag if a man uses any type of therapy style language. I view these men the same way I view male feminists, i.e. I avoid them like the plague.
lol men failing to do the role of a woman by being a caregiver role/nurturing. Men SUCK at everything. A real therapist actually helps women. what you described isnt a therapy man its more of a nice-guy that's not actually nice
Calmly abusive dudes freak me out.